Pointlessbanter.net

(So every Monday I used to answer the questions out of Parade Magazine, it kind of got stale and I went away from it for a while but I felt it was time to bring it back. Parade is an insert in the Sunday paper here in the United States, to call it a magazine would be an insult to Hustler because it really is a waste of paper and it makes me want to vomit every time I read it. Each week they answer a collection of question on the first page of the magazine which are basically the dumbest questions that anyone can think of. So I take my time to give people the correct answers.)

Q. Nicole Kidman is engaged to singer Keith Urban. So why does she say she still loves Tom Cruise?
—Kathy Ryan, Boston, Mass.

A: Well one could make the point that he is the father of their children. Of course they are adopted so he really isn’t the father but I guess it is all semantics.

What it really boils down to is this:

Would you want this crazy fuck pissed off at you?

Q. After months atop Billboard’s country charts, Carrie Underwood was bumped off by the song “Lipstick.” Who wrote it?
—Kate Morris, Gatlinburg, Tenn.

A: Kenny Chesney actually wrote this song but didn’t want to take credit for it.

When asked what the song was about. Chesney told us a love story about him and his dog, “I love that dog a lot. The best is when you pet his stomach and his little pink lipstick would come out. I loved to get him all excited and pleasure him.”

Yes America Kenny Chesney writes songs about getting his dog Gunner off. This is the shit that Parade Magazine is afraid to tell you.

Q. Karl Rove, the architect of President Bush’s 2004 re-election, relinquished his domestic-policy role in the White House to concentrate on helping the GOP maintain its majority in Congress in November. Do you think he’ll succeed?
—John Lombardo, Middleton, Mass.

A: I love when people ask political opinion questions to Parade Magazine. Why would anyone think that a section that is known for asking where are they now questions and questions about pop culture would be a good place to go for in depth political analysis.

It would be like me going to my auto mechanic and asking him to fix my laptop, sure he could attempt to but probably wouldn’t be the best person to ask. Or going to a hooker and asking her about abstinence, sometimes you really need to consider your source.

I hate to cut this question short but I need to give Colleen Haskell a call about sustaining a career in Hollywood:

(Note: This won the award for most obscure reference that ten people will get.)

Q. Where did Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin get the names Apple and Moses for their kids?
—Mary T., Philadelphia, Pa.

A: They bought my new book, “Shitty names stars can give their kids”

I would like to come out and admit that I am a celebrity name consultant for the stars. Basically I use a complex computer program that will find random out of date names, locations, historical figures, or objects that will be perfect for the celebrity.

Rumor… Yup that was me.
Shiloh… Me
Moses… Me
Apple… I can’t take credit for it actually should be given to this man:

My chief rival in the celebrity baby name business.

His method is a little old fashion. He basically drinks a bottle of mad dog and whatever he spurts out is the name the celebrity goes with. I think though technology or live disease will eventually win out.

Q. I hear the David Hasselhoff-Pamela Bach divorce has gotten nasty. Are they fighting over his Baywatch millions?
—Bill Thomas, Fountain Hills, Ariz.

A: His Baywatch millions? Nay.

His magic chest hair… That is where all of his power is derived from.

Q. Now that Britney Spears has traded singing for diaper duty, whom do you rate as the reigning pop princess?
—Linda Thomas, San Diego, Calif.

A: I like this question. And it took me like a week (ten minutes) to consider this.

You have Kelly Clarkson:

What she has going for her: The only really successful American Idol winner.

What she has going against her: Her mouth is weird and well, she was on American Idol

Jessica Simpson

What she has going for her: A rack

What she has going against her: Everyone thinks she is a cheating slut and her father is a whack job.

Ashlee Simpson

What she has going for her: Her sister

What she has going against her: No talent can’t sing on her own.

Christina Aguilera

What she has going for her: New album, can actually sing, no longer skanked out.

What she has going against her: She is married to the ugliest guy on the planet

Hillary Duff

What she has going for her: New found eating disorder to drop the weight

What she has going against her: She will always be the fat girl that wasn’t as cool as Lyndsay Lohan.

So who is the new pop princess? Wait you don’t care? Neither do I. I just wanted an excuse to post that picture of Jessica Simpson. Sorry.