Last week I answered the questions straight out of Seventeen Magazine. In fact I did so well that I figured I was ready to take on the next age group and tackle the questions out of Cosmo. Instead of taking on the normal relationship questions I figured I should strut my stuff as a fashion and personal grooming guru and take on those questions. If you doubt my knowledge of personal grooming and style let me just throw this picture up to prove I know my shit:
If you can’t take fashion advice from a guy that can pull that look off than who can you take fashion advice from?
Q: I want to give my tresses a fuller look. Any tips?
A: Uh… um.. what the fuck are tresses? Let’s move on. (I am not starting out very well here.)
Q: My clothes always smell like my perfume. How can I prevent that from happening in the future?
A: What are you Irish and attempting to cover up your drinking habit? How much of that shit are you putting on?
Here is a simple rule of thumb that I like to use. If you own perfume or cologne and if everything you own in your house smells like it: your sheets, your clothes, your cat’s litter box… Well then you have a problem and need to scale it back a little. No guy wants a girl to smell like a three dollar whore. Well except for this man:
But that is just how he gets down.
Q: Should I take off my undies when I get a pro massage?
A: As a Cosmo girl don’t you know that is it never appropriate to wear underwear?
Q: How do I pull off dark, smoky eyes without looking like I’m wearing too much makeup?
A: Get an abusive boyfriend:
Just make sure you criticize him for being a loser or not have dinner ready when he gets home.
According to Pussy Galore there is an added bonus: You’ll be so stressed out waiting for him to hit you that pounds will come right off!
See not only is it a makeup tip but a weight loss tip, we are pretty damn efficient around these parts.
Q: How can I learn to paint my nails like a pro?
A: Emigrate to Korea.
Q: Now that it’s cold out, I can’t air-dry my hair, but my stylist told me not to blow-dry it every day because I’ll damage it. What should I do?
A: It’s like Speed, “Stay on or get off? STAY ON OR GET OFF?” What would you do? What would you do?
On the one side you may get incredibly sick for going outside with wet hair. The flipside is that you could possibly end up with split ends and damaged hair. SPLIT ENDS!!!!!!! Noooooooooooooooooooo.
Do women really put their looks in front of their personal health? I just can’t believe that. It’s probably an isolated case.
Q: I have lots of dark pink spots on my feet from last summer’s blisters, I really liked showing off my feet in a couple of shoes that were slightly small. Is there a way to banish the blisters before sandal season?
A: Uh… My god… I need to abort on this whole exercise.
Q: Can I shrink the size of my pores? They are huge!
A: I have never in my life considered the size of my pores. In fact after reading this I got rather self conscious about it. I spent twenty seven minutes in front of the mirror looking at my pores. I think my pores maybe clogged as well and they might be abnormally large. How to I clean my pores? Do I need a special soap or cleanser? How do I shrink them? Do I need a special facial scrub, maybe an avocado mask to wear at night…
OH MY GOD. What has Cosmo done to me?