The other day I was sitting at work and listening to a voice mail of someone calling in sick. The caller was putting on an act saying how they were under the weather and couldn’t come into work. When the real reason was his direct boss was out and knew it was a good day to avoid coming into work. I knew he was in the middle of moving and probably just had shit to do. But when calling into work why did he need to put on the act? He was perfectly fine the day before and perfectly fine the next day. He could have just called up and said, “I’m not feeling well, I am not coming in.” Clean, simple, and it works it’s not a lie or a bullshit excuse.
The whole bullshit excuse thing got me thinking. What was the worst bullshit excuse I have ever told? Probably a car excuse in high school.
Then it went from there to what was the worst bullshit excuse I have ever heard from someone? I couldn’t really think of an all time winner.
My train of thought shifted to what is the worst bullshit excuse in history? I was following orders would rank right up there.
Finally I began to think what people have the worst bull shit excuses? Of course politicians came to mind, and then I thought about celebrities, I also thought about some major corporations before finally settling on the group that I think has the worst excuses ever….Sex offenders.
When you examine the excuses that sex offenders give they are always really lame:
Did you see what she was wearing- When someone drops that excuse it always makes me want to vomit. Unless a woman is wearing a shirt that says, “insert cock against my will here” and it points to her vagina there is no outfit that says rape me.
Well unless you are a sock puppet, you get molested every day because of what you are wearing.
Last time I checked what people wear should not be a reason for a crime. Granted, I do want to kick the shit out of everyone wearing a trucker hat but common sense and decency prevent me from doing so. This is a poor excuse.
We have a love you will never understand- This is for the teachers that sleep with their students.
I could go on with the pictures but really they are usually hot and blonde.
This excuse cracks me up. You are banging a kid that can’t even write a business letter and he is your soul mate? Are you kidding me? The one thing that is really interesting about these pictures is that they all have this crazed look in their eye. I need to date a girl like that but sadly I am probably too old. They like guys with peach fuzz mustaches and that rock faux gold.
They looked like they were 18- This one is probably my favorite excuse. This is used when the lecherous creepy guy sleeps with an underage girl. When you are in your mid forties and you are trying to pick up on a girl wearing pig tails and braces you may want to consider asking for ID.
(perverts love girls with handle bars on their head)
Using the she looked older excuse is horrible. It’s like the retarded roommate you had in college that decided to drink out of a gallon of milk without checking the expiration date. After he drinks the curdled milk and pukes. After doing it for the 15th time he always says that it “looked ok”. So I should give you a personal rule of mine, never guess on or eyeball something that can send you to jail or the hospital.
Granted there is so good excuse that a sex offender could give to justify any of their actions but I would rather hear, “She had a pretty mouth sir. Well until she bit my ear off fighting me off.” This would be better than the current bullshit they shovel our way now.
If you are going to give a bad excuse at least be creative with it.
Who do you think gives the worst excuses? And what is the worst excuse you have ever heard?