(Well the questions from Parade Magazine were awful. There was actually a question about Dougray Scott. Who the hell is a Dougray Scott fan? 99 percent of the people out there don’t even know who he is. So I decided to try a crack at my other favorite magazine, Seventeen. As always these are the actual questions with my answers.)
Q: I really wish I could be skinny! At first I wanted to lose weight because people teased me about my size, but now I’m working toward it as a personal goal. I exercise and eat right, but somehow it’s not working. I need to know: Am I ever going to reach my goal of being slimmer?
–Samantha, 18, Boston, MA
A: Samantha this is a question that impacts a lot of young people these days. The first thing we need to determine is how much money your parents make a year. Sneak into your parent’s room or home office and look for their tax returns. If you don’t want to be sneaky look around you, how nice is your house? Do your parents have nice cars? Basically I am asking if your parents are loaded. If they are loaded consider getting gastric bypass.
If your mom is a single mom, if you live in an apartment or if you are from south Boston you will need to go with option number two:
(It’s never too early to make your child worry about their body type!!!!)
A good healthy eating disorder will have you looking like a supermodel in no time! Don’t worry about the eroding of your esophagus it’s a highly overrated internal body part. Remember bulimia is a choice not a disease!
Just a reminder, make sure to stock up on altoids or other after dinner type mints.
Q: I am considered the mean girl at my school! I think I am nice and caring yet everyone thinks I am mean. I know that I shouldn’t care what others think, but it really hurts. What should I do?
–Eliza, 16, Atlanta, GA
A: Eliza this really needs to be broken down by gender. If girls only hate you it means you are pretty and they are jealous, you don’t want them to be your friends anyways. Find an ugly girl or a fat girl to be your friend. They will accept your friendship because this will bring them up a social class. The benefits of having the fat or ugly girl as a friend are that you will look that much hotter.
Make sure you explain their roles to them, their duties include:
Doing your homework
Being a yes girl
Reminding you how cool you are
Now if the boys hate you Eliza there is one simple solution. Put out… A LOT. No guy will dislike you then. Just make sure you are on the pill.
Q: My best friend is gorgeous, and guys go after her all the time. She goes on multiple dates with guys who really like her even when she has no interest in them at all. She acts like she’s not doing anything wrong. When I nicely mentioned to her that she should be careful about their feelings, she got mad at me. Was it wrong to say something?
–Christine, 16, Port Murray, NJ
A: OMG!!! STFU!!!! U R sUcH a ByAtCh… whoa sorry these questions are warping my mind.
Christine just because your friend rocks the food court with her new boy toy in Passaic and rotates through them like you do tampons on your flow doesn’t mean you should be upset about it. She doesn’t care about their feelings because they don’t care about hers. They are thinking about one thing:
So it is wrong that you opened your mouth. You are probably just jealous. Go home, shut your mouth, and study so in 12 years when you get together for your ten year reunion and you are a lawyer and Christine has 9 different kids from 9 different fathers you can laugh at her.
Q: I’m having trouble getting over my ex, and I can’t stop thinking about him! What should I do to get my mind off him? Help!
–Storm, 14, Divide,CO
A: Storm? What are your parents positioning you for the pole right off of the bat? Who the fuck names their daughter Storm? I think you should just stop everything and start learning how to pick up dollar bills with your snatch.
Anyways at 14 you have peaked. There is NO way you will ever have a meaningful relationship again. Basically what I am telling you is that you will never get over your ex and you should just end it now. If you haven’t found the true love for the rest of your live at your age you are screwed.
Of course you could always OD to draw attention from your boyfriend showing him how much he means to you. I would say start with Flintstones’ Vitamins and work your way up from there.
(So there you have it, a little change-up from Parade. Should we add Seventeen into the rotation? Let me know what you think.)