It’s Friday and we are going to continue the drunken mistakes series. This time I am going to tell you about the time I totally screwed up every man’s fantasy, a threesome.
My freshman year of college I was invited to go to spring break at Daytona Beach with my friend Melanie from high school and her friend… Uh… I don’t remember her name. For the sake of the story we will call her Jen. They were going to stay with a guy that graduated from our high school three years ahead of us. It sounded like a rock solid plan, no hotel costs, they were driving down, and Melanie was decent looking so her friend was going to be too. Well Melanie made it clear to me that her friend only dated black guys. I am going to put a picture and let’s see if you can guess who is Melanie and who is her friend:
(Go ahead and make fun of the crappiest goatee ever known to man and the fact I had chicken legs… and couldn’t dress… )
Now when we got down there it was a week of drunken debauchery. Good times all around which culminated at a Friday night in the club. I was playing pool with our friends that lived down in Florida; Grant and Jason. We were waiting for Melanie and Jen to show up at the club we were at. It was already later in the night and we were all pretty drunk at this point. I was sitting down near the pool table when a girl approached me out of nowhere and started talking to me. I think this is a good place to pause and share some facts about me. My freshman year of school I was still developing what little game I had, sure I had hooked up a few times that year but I must admit it was probably dumb luck. I was still coming out of that awkward high school stage where I was shocked when girls talked to me. So a good-looking girl coming up to talk to me was just mind blowing.
She told me that this guy kept hitting on her and her friend and wouldn’t leave them alone. Then she asked if I would make out with her so the guy would think I am her boyfriend and leave those two alone. Being a straight, drunk, heterosexual male I took her up on the offer and laid on her the best kiss she ever had. Well I don’t know if it was but for my ego’s sake let’s just say it was. As I pulled back I saw her friend come over and with a look of disgust on her face. The cock block radar was going off even though I was loaded. I figured it was time to say goodbye to this girl. When her friend arrived at the table she ignored the girl I had just kissed to talk to me, “That is so not fair how come I don’t get a kiss?” (Right about now I should have started thinking about how I was going to get both of these girls into bed. Instead I was thinking that the guy must have been really creepy if they both wanted to kiss me. Genius move on my part.)
So she started kissing me while her friend looked on. After that kiss I could hear the gasps coming my friend Grant and Jason. The girls started to make some small talk with me and then the conversation’s tone began to change.
Girl A: So do you feel like coming back to our room and partying tonight?
Girl B: Yeah it’s our last night here; we want to have some fun.
Me: Oh a party, that’s cool. I’m waiting for my friends though is it ok if we wait for them?
Girl A: We don’t want your friends to come just you. It’s a private party for the three of us.
(That right there was the key phrase in the conversation. If this happened today I would know exactly what she meant there. But at 19 and drunk my brain didn’t take it the same way.)
Me: Aw my friends can’t come? I am going to have to pass I can’t ditch my friends.
(Girls give me an exasperated look.)
Girl B: uh… Okay well it was nice meeting you sweetie…
(Girl A kisses me again and makes the mmm…mmm noise.)
The girls walked away, Grant and Jason walked up to me to ask what the hell happened there. I recounted our conversation for them and in the end Grant and Jason were staring at each other.
Grant: Do you realize what you have just done?
Me: No what?
Jason: You just turned down a threesome. You just turned down freaky sex to hang out with two girls you aren’t going to touch. What were you thinking?
At that point if you added up every sports injury that I have ever had, every time I got hit in the nuts, and every time I was told there was no Santa and rolled it into one feeling it still wouldn’t be as bad as how I felt in that exact moment.
For rest of the night and the last two days that we were there I was like Cameron after he went catatonic in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I just kept repeating, “I just turned down a threesome” over and over and over again until I got back to school where my friends for rest of the semester mocked me and rightfully so.
I tried to sell it to myself that they were really high-class hookers that were going to take all of my money and then drug me to take out my kidneys to sell on the black market. It was the only way to make myself feel better.
Thank god I had a drunken threesome three years later at a Christmas party for work. Sure I had to work with the girls and it made everything really uncomfortable but at least I got it out of the way and got the monkey off of my back.
The Moral of the Story: Think before you speak even while drunk and a private party with two girls means a threesome you dumb ass.