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Kevin Federline’s Magic Penis

By: Bobby Finstock on 05/15/06 @ 9:02 pm

In the past I have discussed the magic of people’s genitalia for example I believe that Paula Abdul has an evil Vagina. In the last week I have discovered that Kevin Federline has a magic penis… Wait that sounded so wrong. Let me rephrase that. In the last week I have developed a theory that Kevin Federline has a magic penis. Here is my reasoning.

1) It has the power to turn something hot into something disgusting.

Before Kevin Federline’s penis:
britney spears
mmmmmm…. Tasty

After Kevin Federline’s penis:

Britney Spears

I guess the pregnancy glow is tarnished slightly.

How does something that hot turn into something that disgusting? It can’t be normal human change; it can only be explained as the dark arts.

2) His penis has made the black girl looks like the normal one in the love triangle.
shar jackson

I’ve seen Springer before. Whenever there is a love triangle the black girl 99.9 percent of the time comes off as a raving lunatic. She does the whole head weaving, finger shaking, and screaming thing. They basically become scarier than Strange in Boomerang. Shar Jackson though has come off as a class act and the normal person in this situation.

Federline knocked up Shar Jackson twice and then started cheating on her with Brittney Spears. Not only that, after they broke up he started bringing their kids around Brittney and they had a ton of paparazzi pictures taken of them which Brittney used for press to show her motherly instinct. Jackson didn’t go off the deep end at all. When the press talked to her she always came off as the better person and really just seemed calm about the whole thing. You knew she was mad and it showed but she wasn’t a raving lunatic about that.

Let’s say for a second that I knocked up LilNavyWife:

So I asked LilNavyWife for arguments sake let’s say I pulled the same shit. What would happen to me?

“I’d mace you then give you a frencher. That’s how I roll. All my babies were born out of violence. Then I’d ask for the money up front.”

See my penis isn’t as magic as K-Feds.

3) He has no talent or skills yet will never work a day again in his lifetime.

I don’t even need to go into a breakdown for this. Just let that sink in. Every single person that reads this blog today will have something to contribute positive to society. Federline, not so much, yet he will have more money than you will ever make. Before you all start calling me a hater or jealous… Just go and listen to this:


Now think about that again. Kevin Federline recorded that and will never have to lift a finger to do significant labor again. It’s enough to make you want to swallow your tongue or sit through Basic Instinct 2.

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

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