Time to Shill My Life
I love the fact that pseudo celebrities now a days sell everything they can to make a quick buck. Kevin Smith is a prime example of it; the guy would have sold his wife’s placenta if he could have bagged it and autographed it. He freely admits to be a huge shill which is fine, it’s not like he is the only one doing it. Other pseudo stars sell off bikini’s they have worn on photo shoots. People sell just about anything. I am waiting for the day Jenna Jameson sells off a half used tube of anal lube. (I of course have been socking away for that fateful day.)
The reason why I bring this up is that I got a message from someone on myspace calling me a celebrity, which I find laughable on a site with 70 million people. I figure about 10,000 people know who I am with 6,000 hating my guts for various reasons. Still though that statement sent my mind wandering and filled me with delusions of grandeur. I went on e-bay and decided to auction off some items that I think will fetch a pretty penny. Let me give you the highlights and run down of each item. So get your checkbooks out and get ready to have your brush with fame. For the right amount you can own a piece of Kevin.
Item Number 1: My Name Tag Collection
What is it: I have kept my name tag from every crappy retail job I have ever worked. From my first job all the way up to the last crappy retail job I held in college it is all there. You can trace my employment history from West Shurfine, Bells, Going to the Game, Staples, Best Buy, and various other stops on the lowest rung of the employment food chain. Of course this also gets you into the door to commit fraud at these places which is always a plus. Guys you can pin it on your chest and pretend you are me for a brief second or two. Ladies you can pin it on your crotch and know that I am just that close to you.
Expected Auction Results: 5,000 dollars
Item Number 2: My Summer League Baseball Jersey
What is it: This is a GAME WORN jersey from a season of summer league baseball. Not only did I sweat in it but this was the jersey that I wore when I got hit twice on the same spot on my thigh in back to back at bats. It’s a piece of Livingston County baseball history folks. Included in this bid will be the actual newspaper article that details my exploits in the game and I will personally autograph the jersey.
An added bonus is that the sleeves are cut off. We figured it was a good look for summer league baseball; you can never go wrong with the tough guy look.
Expected Auction Results: 25,000 dollars… It is a game worn jersey after all.
Item Number 3: My favorite sock
What is it: Guys already know where I am going here, as they all have had one at some point in their life. But let’s just say this. My favorite sock cleans up special messes that come from my loins. I would like to note that if you ladies are somehow able to harvest my sperm from this sock and impregnate yourself in order to get a free meal ticket off of me I will refuse to acknowledge my offspring. In fact I might need you to sign a disclaimer acknowledging that.
Expected Auction Results: 150,000 dollars just due to the flat out scientific value of this item
Item Number 4: THE BRA
What is it: The infamous bra from my photo shoot. As an added bonus I will autograph the much sought after unused shot from the photo shoot which has never been seen until today.
Ladies you will never need to visualize another man again. You might as well go out and buy all the batteries you can… Because you won’t leave the house for weeks. Of course if a guy buys it… Um… Uh…
Expected Auction Results: 229,000 dollars and a possible shot at a playgirl men of myspace centerfold
So there you have it by my calculations the amount of money that will be bid on these items will allow me to quit my job and make it so I can choke the chicken 15 times a day.
A man needs to have goals…
