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Parade Magazine Questions Answered

By: Bobby Finstock on 05/8/06 @ 6:42 pm

Hey everyone thanks for the feedback about the video. I am going back to the drawing board and all your advice is going to help. I appreciate the time you took to leave feedback and to send me messages!

Onto Parade Magazine Questions Answered the weekly segment of me dealing with the hard hitting questions that Parade Magazine doesn’t have the balls to answer correctly.

Q. Michael Jackson, now living in Bahrain, was sued by a veterinarian for $92,000 in unpaid bills. Does that mean his exotic animals are in danger?
S. Heir (city not provided)

A. Due to my HUGE Hollywood connections I was able to score an interview with Bubbles the chimp. This is what Bubbles had to say, “You think it was easy man? When the kiddie train stopped rolling in where do you think he turned? The Llamas??? No fuck that, he went straight for me! FOR ME! It was always, ‘Hey Bubbles pretend like it is a Banana!’ or ‘Bubbles I think you need to have your temperature taken rectally’. But it wasn’t a thermometer. It wasn’t easy man… It wasn’t easy.”

Due to the stress Bubbles is up to a pack and a half a day. He is currently seeking psychiatric care.

smoking chimp

Q. I admire the print shirts James Gandolfini wears on The Sopranos. Where does he find them?
John Cameron, Newton, N.J.

A. Hey John good question. Gandolfini really is a busy man in between writing the dialogue, doing his own stunts, making sure the girls nipples are erect for all the Bada Bing scenes, casting, set decoration, and catering he still has find to find his print shirts. Gandolfini lets us in on a little known fact about Hollywood, “Yeah you would think there is a production team that does costuming and all the other stuff I do but it isn’t so in Hollywood. You know the credits at the end are really just a list of people I screwed over to be here.”

John please think before you type in the future.

Q. Is it true that Meryl Streep has become a Broadway producer?
Judy Karr, Providence, R.I.

A. I don’t know where you heard that but it is all wrong. She is working Broadway as a streetwalker. Once you hit 50 in Hollywood and you are an actress you are screwed. In fact Debra Winger just cleaned my house the other day. For an extra fifty bucks she let me carry her through the house while taking a Navy hat off of my head and putting it on hers. Good times.

Q. Does New Age musician Yanni still live with Linda Evans?
Clarine Burow, St. Louis, Mo.

A. Damn Clarine you don’t read the paper do you? The stone cold new age pimp Yanni got arrested for domestic battery of 33 year old live in girlfriend. Linda Evans is way too old for him at this point.


Yanni keeps his pimp hand strong by dating the younger babes. While Linda Evans was a catch in her day she isn’t the type of arm candy that Yanni likes. Plus she isnt as flexible as she used to be, Yanni likes to drill girls while listening to John Tesh. It’s a little known fact about him. And in order to bang to Tesh you need to know how to move.

Q. Japanese law forbids a female on the throne. Since the emperors eldest son, Crown Prince Naruhito, only has a daughter, will Japan eventually be forced to allow her to succeed?
Roberta Rosenthal, Miami Beach, Fla.

A. This story has been of great interest to me, I have been paying attention closely because I really wanted to use this story in a major project. I actually pitched a remake “King Ralph” starring this man:

long duk dong

So cross your fingers I think we have box office gold here.

Q. The Supreme Court recently heard a case brought by Anna Nicole Smith. How could the justices take a bimbo like her, and her case, seriously?
Kevin Clark, Paoli, Pa.

A. Are you kidding Clarence Thomas is all over this case! Thomas is on record saying, “You thought I spanked it to ‘Long Dong Silver’ a lot? You have no idea what this bitch does to me. Anita Hill might as well have been a crack whore compared to Anna Nicole, do you think she likes black men? I’d love to get me a piece of that.”

Thomas also went on to mention something off the record about a circle jerk with Scalia as the pivot man but that is something I don’t find appropriate to mention.

Filed in: Questions Answered

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

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