Drunken Mistakes Vol 4

For those of you that remember the week of St Patrick’s Day I did a three part series with some of my drunken misadventures.

These were the three highest vote getters:
Drunken Mistakes Volume 1-Wait you screwed a girl that rode the short bus?
Drunken Mistakes Volume 2- How to emotionally scar a living room full of kids under the age of 19 with a three am snack
Drunken Mistakes Volume 3- How to turn down sex in the least tactful way known to man: The meanest thing I have ever said to anyone and my comeuppance.

I always said I would go back and tell the other stories; I haven’t revisited them for one reason or another. Since it is Cinco De Mayo I figured it might be a good time to revisit the stories…

Volume 4: The bed wetter and her friend gonzo

Back when I was living in Geneseo (read the other blogs for a back story on Geneseo) I met a girl that played volleyball for the college name Lindsey, she was a tall drink of water and pretty good looking. We met at my home away from home a bar called The Vital Spot. Early on our “relationship” was that we would meet out there, get bombed, and hook up. Simple, easy, no fuss it was a perfect relationship for a 21 year old male.

There were two things that I noticed that stood out about Lindsey at this time. One was that she would get to a level of drunk that surpassed me on my worst night and the other was that she really sucked in bed. She was so bad that a dead hooker was a better lay. You ask why would I continue to sleep with her? I was usually pretty inebriated by the end of that night at that point didn’t really care too much, why put in the work of finding another girl when you had a sure thing?

As time went on we set her friend up with one of my best friends Kyle (name has been changed to protect the innocent). Her friend looked like this:

She was a dead ringer for Rebecca Gayheart. It was really an impressive pull by my friend. We all began to hang out a little more and go on double dates. Everything was perfect except for the lifeless sex. The lifeless sex was explained by Lindsey with her telling me that I was the second person she had ever slept with. I figured it was a passable excuse. It was something though that I could work around because she seemed like a good girl, that was until THE incident happened.

One night we went back to my apartment for a little boom boom after a night of drinking. At about 5 am I woke up my hand was touching soaked sheets. Immediately I figured it was the post sex wet spot but I remembered I always roll away from it so the girl would get stuck with it. (I am a hopeless romantic.) So that wasn’t it. Then I thought maybe we brought water to bed but I didn’t see a glass around. I woke Lindsey up and sent her out to the couch to sleep telling her that something got spilt in the bed. We both passed back out.
When I woke up a few hours later I went out to the living room to see that Lindsey had gone. That was rather weird considering she lived about half a mile from me and the walk was straight up a ridiculously steep hill. I went back into my room and turned on the light to look at my bed. It was then I noticed a HUGE wet spot where Lindsey was sleeping. I went down to smell it and recoiled in horror when I realized that SHE HAD PISSED MY BED. I yelped and started bitching that I couldn’t believe she fucking pissed my bed. Kyle came into my room and smelt it confirming the thought that it was urine. We then began to laugh realizing that she was so ashamed that she did the walk of shame from my house up a hill with piss stained panties. (See that is how you turn tragedy into comedy.)

I went to wash the sheets and scrub the living hell out of mattress. While I was doing that I decided not to call Lindsey and wait for her to call admitting the incident and apologizing. This was clearly a cold hearted move to make but she pissed my bed so fuck her. Needless to say she didn’t call or even go out to the bar anymore, but her friend continued to date Kyle. The subject was never really brought up until we were out at the bar one night and her other friend came up to me. Her other friend was a loud mouthed girl, who had no redeemable traits as a human being plus she had a nose that looked like:

Thus giving her the name Gonzo, which my friends and I referred to her as. So Gonzo came up to me to give me shit about Lindsey. I was then told this story about how I did something to Lindsey that never happened. Apparently Lindsey concocted a story about me in order to explain why we didn’t talk anymore. I laughed it off and told Gonzo to ask Lindsey the real reason why we no longer spoke. To be honest though I was starting to feel a bit bad because I thought I was the second guy she had ever slept with and that this had to be rather heart breaking for her… That all changed quickly.

I was at the bar after closing time hanging out with the people that worked there playing some Golden Tee golf. They asked me why I wasn’t dating Lindsey anymore and I told them the piss story incident. Then it happened like a chain reaction, first Spilly the bartender made a comment, “Holy shit that happened with me and her in the fall. I went back to her place and fucked her. When I woke up she had pissed the bed.” After that Eric the bouncer chimed in, “She was really drunk right night and I brought her home the same thing happened to me. I made her fucking clean that shit up.” At this point my dick was recoiling in horror as apparently number two I was not. The other DJ Nate put the nail in the coffin, “I had a party at my house last summer and she slept in my bed with another guy. When they got up and left I ran into my bed and almost hydroplaned off of it because of the puddle that was there.”

Lindsey was not only a chronic bed wetter but a whore and a lousy one at that, classy.

A week later it was alumni weekend and the bar was hopping. As always on that Saturday there were tons of parties during the day. So my friends and I were rather drunk by the time we made it to the bar. When we got there I noticed that Lindsey was as at the end of the bar. I was standing on the foot rail of the bar ordering a round of shots with Spilly. I decided to order Lindsey a shot to be an asshole and wanted to have Spilly give her a message with it. This is when karma reared its head. I was shouting over the music so Spilly could hear me when the music stopped as soon as I spoke, “… And send that bitch Lindsey at the end of the bar a shot to. And thank that whore for PISSING MY BED.” Not only could the entire front of the bar hear me but I was pointing directly at Lindsey. Spilly did a spit take when this happened and a roar of laughter over took the front of the bar. Lindsey quickly began to make her way out of the crowded bar and me being the raging asshole that I am decided to get another stab in, “Good go and take that bitch friend Gonzo with you as well.”

Needless to say the bed wetter and Gonzo had been crowned with their new names and very sparingly returned to that bar… Victory was mine. The moral of the story is to always make sure you pee before going to bed after a night of drinking.

Enjoy your Cinco De Mayo everyone and have a great weekend.