I am going to start this blog out with a simple phrase and then give you my rationale behind it.
FUCK KEVIN SMITH!
Some of you may have recoiled in horror after reading that. Some of you may have said, “Who the hell is Kevin Smith?” (Kevin Smith is the writer and director of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Jersey Girl, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.) Some may have asked, “What the hell has Kevin Smith done to you?” Let me start this out by saying that I am a Kevin Smith fan. I own his first five movies, I have purchased stuff from his website, and I even watched the entire “An Evening with Kevin Smith” twice. With all that being said I am still saying, FUCK KEVIN SMITH.
I know I cant just say, “FUCK KEVIN SMITH” without giving a reason. So let me plead my case. Here are the three main reasons why I am saying, “FUCK KEVIN SMITH.”
1) He married a hot chick.
(Jennifer Schwalbach Smith.)
At first I was really happy for him because it showed that a guy with wit, humor, and talent can land a really hot chick. But then he started putting her in his movies like “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” and shoving our noses in it.
Because he put her in this, it has totally ruined any potential for jerkin’the gherkin to this movie. When the three girls exit the van it is a totally spankable moment… Yeah I can’t do that because thoughts of Kevin Smith banging her with Ali Larter watching run through my head. That doesn’t make me gay, does it?
2) He Made “Jersey Girl”
Let me translate the German for you:
Affleck: This movie blows
Little Girl: Damn straight honkey
Quote above the title: A steaming pile of shit by Kevin Smith
At least the Germans are honest in their marketing.
This movie is Kevin Smiths “AI”, where people exit the theatre and go, “Why in the hell did he make this?” Maybe it has to do with the fact that Liv Tyler is in it and every time I see her I think of her father… When I think of her father I just think of him singing “Walk This Way” in a melody for the one hundredth time with some crappy hip hop star (RUN DMC does not fall into this category, Nelly does) with my ears bleeding and praying for it to be over. So I might be biased in this. I get the same feeling when I watch “Armageddon”.
3) He lost weight.
I know everyone is saying, “How can you be mad at someone for losing weight?” It is very simple. I like famous fat people. I really thought Kevin Smith was going to follow in this line:
But he decided to lose weight, depriving me of laying guilt on my kids (whenever I have them) if they over eat. I can’t say, “You don’t want to end up like Kevin Smith now do you?” A Farley, Candy, or Belushi reference would be way over their heads, Kevin Smith is current and talented. Because Kevin Smith is losing weight all I have left to reference is Horatio Sanz and who honestly wants to reference him? Plus it is removing talent from the equation if I mention Sanz.
I like rooting for the overweight celebrities, it humanizes them. By Smith losing weight he just becomes a Hollywood guy with tons of money and a hot wife. It makes him no cooler than:
So Kevin Smith from a fan I am begging you to put the weight back on, stop putting your wife in movies (unless she becomes horribly ugly or gets banged by Jason Mewes), and go back to writing movies that are highly enjoyable while totally stoned, no more family shit.
Will you people join with me to help turn the career of Kevin Smith around?