Parade Magazines Questions Answered

Tragedy has struck. I strained my groin Saturday morning. I like my groin. I am a fan of my groin area. I have had a love affair for years with Moe and his other two stooges, they reside in the groin area. This weekend I pretty much have lain around doing about 30 hours of school work. So there is the silver lining. So I am going to start looking for volunteers for a nurse with a specialty in working with groins. Sponge baths are a must.

Moving on Parade Magazine questions like every Monday. These are questions that are published in Parade Magazine which comes in the Sunday paper. Yes these are actual questions. Also stay tuned to the end of the blog for a contest!

Q. How does Harvey Fierstein, who won a Tony as the mother in Hairspray, feel about John Travolta playing that role in the film version?
Scott Lawrence, Richmond, Va.

A.

Absolutely gay.

(note: Gay- Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted excitement; merry.)

I thought the real answer was actually interesting. He said that he wanted it to be a big hit and Travolta was a huge draw because he gets money from the song writing credits…

Q. After the rap group Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar for the song Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp, I heard people talk about their grilles. What does that mean?
Tad North, Chattanooga, Tenn.

A.

DUH….Seriously though, I dont get gold fronts… How do they attach? Do you take them off when you eat? Are they like a glorified retainer? Do you take them off at night and soak them? It’s all too much for me thank god I am not a rapper.

Q. We heard that American Idol may replace Paula Abdul with Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson. Is that a good idea?
Jay Conner, Oakland, Calif.

A. You know I was going to write a real smarmy response to this. But I mean really …. Paula Abdul is she any better than these two? Ok, she is better than Britney. I have already established that Paula Abdul’s vagina is evil and I am going to wager right now that Jessica Simpsons vagina is going to ruin at least ten careers in Hollywood. Mark my words Jessica Simpsons vagina is as evil as Paula Abdul’s.

Q. What is your opinion of the Ultimate Fighting Championship bouts that are becoming the favorite blood sport in Las Vegas and on TV?
Ned Taylor, Detroit, Mich.

A. I prefer cock fighting. Or kitten death matches

Q. Where did Lisa Rinna get those Mick Jagger lips from an unfortunate encounter with a beehive?
Mary L., Beaverton, Ore.

A. Listen Mary, you leave the hack ass jokes to me. I don’t have anywhere to go with this question because you took my beehive joke. So Mary I hope you are happy you ruined this for everyone. Hopefully the next question allows me to make an offbeat reference.

Q. Can you tell me the heights and weights of Desperate Housewives stars Teri Hatcher, Felicity Huffman, Eva Longoria, Nicollette Sheridan and Marcia Cross?
Carrie L., Chicago, Ill.

A. Who the hell would really need to know this information? Seriously… What does anyone need this for? Oh wait a minute.

It all makes sense now

“Eva, it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.”

TIME FOR THE CONTEST

I am going to steal The Ryan King’s gimmick a bit here. This was the last question for the week and well I am not going to touch it. It is really too easy. So here is the deal. You guys have at it. Write an answer to the question. The winning answer as judged by me gets a t-shirt of their choice from the pointlessbanter.net store. I figured there should be some interesting answers to this question. If you really like a response go ahead a reply to the comment and let me know, I guess vote for it It will help narrow it down.

Q. I heard that the L.A. Lakers Kobe Bryant just reached a career milestone. What was it?
Jeff Eagan, Tucson, Ariz.

(Have at it… Sorry for the lazy mailbag I am in the middle of finals. I am off to spend 12 hours studying stats… Good times.)