Chunky Beef Stew
In 7th grade, around the same time I OD’ed on Skoal and White Chocolate, I met a girl who, although I didn’t know it yet, would play an integral role in my young adulthood; we’ll call her Jan. Jan was on the cheerleading squad and had an unbelievable personality. She was smart, funny, popular, and EXTREMELY bubbly and outgoing. Jan was also, well, a little overweight. But she carried the extra weight incredibly well, as she was very muscular and athletic. And besides, once you got to know Jan, her natural charisma took over and you were under her spell.
The Donk wasn’t the experienced ladies’ man that he is today, (Christ, who is) but my natural Pimp-Hand abilities were strong indeed. Everyday afterschool I had wrestling practice and she had cheer practice. I’d track her down and chat with her, my sleek wrestling unitard displaying my rippling muscles and massive Unit. But, slick as I was, I never quite could gather up my 10-pound balls and ask her for her phone number.
One day, as I was sitting at home, contemplating my future world-domination (i.e. Watching Thundercats and checking my pits for new pubes) the phone rang. It was a really good friend of mine, Kent. OK, so he was only an acquaintance, was really popular, and I was thrilled as hell that he was calling lil ole me. There, are you happy now? Jesus, stop riding me people”Hey, what’s up Kent?” I said, wondering how he even got my number. I was as giddy as a schoolgirl; not even the mighty Thundercats could tear my attention away.
We made a little small talk, but soon Kent got to the crux of his phone call (he was a very important man).”Whaddaya think of Jan?”
Ahhh, now I got it. Kent and Jan were really good friends, and she had had him call me to scope out the situation. Apparently she was attracted to more than just my rock-hard abs and ginormous man package. I was ecstatic, of course, but I knew I had to play it cool for Kent. I mean this guy wiped his ass with cheerleaders (seriously, I saw him do it once. Not pretty).”Uh, yeah, Jan? Well I guess shes OK.”
“Oh, just OK?” Kent sounded mildly disappointed. “Well what don’t you like about her.”
“Geez, I dunno, she’s great I guess.” Play it cool, play it cool. You’re hangin with the big boys now.”Cmon, level with me man. What don’t you like about her? Do you think she’s fat? You think she’s fat, don’t you?”
“Nah, she’s not really fat.”
“No?” Sounding dejected, defeated.My mind raced. What to say? Kent obviously thought she was fat, so the cool thing to do would be to go ahead and play along, look smooth. Before I could think it through, I blurted out:”No she’s not fat. She’s more like CHUNKY BEEF STEW.”
To this day I have no idea why I said those words, or what the hell they even meant. I just thought it was some funny-sounding shit I guess. Kent started giggling, said he had to go, and quickly disconnected. As I sat there for a moment watching Lion-O and Cheetara fight evil onscreen, it felt odd that Kent had hung up so fast. Seconds later, the phone rang. It was Kent.”Dude, you idiot!” He said with a smile in his voice.”What?”
“I had Jan on THREE WAY CALLING. SHE HEARD EVERY WORD YOU SAID.”My testicles began to crawl and sweat beads popped out on my forehead. What had I done!?!? A girl had finally shown some interest in me, a popular CHEERLEADER nonetheless, and I had just compared her with a meaty, hearty soup! Fuuuuuuck. Instantly, I became a convert to the existential theories of Sartre and Camus. Some will say I should have quickly guessed she was on three way, but at the time this was a relatively new invention, and my poor-ass family still had a ROTARY phone for chrissake, so the thought never even crossed my mind.
It all worked out in the end though, I guess. For some inexplicable reason, Jan didn’t really mind the comment (or so she said), and although we didn’t really stay together long in 7th grade, we hooked back up in 8th grade and dated for about a year until she ripped my heart out of my chest, squatted down, and urinated on it.
But that’s another story…
