2006 May | Pointless Banter

Archive for May, 2006

A Very Serious Blog

Published by Kevin on May 31, 2006 in Things I Think About. 0 Comments

Today I am going to tackle a serious topic in my blog. I know it is a bit out of the norm for me to address serious subjects but once in awhile things need to be discussed in an open forum. It’s something that is no laughing matter and it a huge choice for men, something we deal with once we hit puberty. Today the discussion topic for my blog is: ball hair.

Female pubic hair has been a discussion for years. I believe that argument has been settled with shaved and landing strip being the winning answers. However when dealing with men it never gets discussed, nobody talks about it. Obviously it is common knowledge that it must be maintained but what is the socially acceptable norm? How come there are no nicknames as there are for women: jungle bush, little Hitler, landing strip. There are no jungle balls, corn husk strands or even a little Larry Fine.

larry fine

Question 1: bic or not to bic?

In a casual conversation the other day a girl said that she like for a guy to be shaven down there. I don’t know about other men but me running a bic over my balls does not sound like the safest thing ever. I know how many times I cut myself shaving, why would I want to risk cutting anything down there? Plus do I apply toilet paper to my cuts down there? What is the procedure? Do women like the look of a ten year old boy?

On the flip side does the removal of hair make it look bigger? Does it mean that the balls are going to end up in the mouth just a little bit more? I needed an answer right away so I asked everyone’s favorite Canadian Bean:

“I don’t care either way. A nice smooth sac is nice though.. I’m more apt to tongue it.”

And there you go.

You see I am a close trimming type of guy. I did go through an artistic phase while back in college. I decided to grow it real long and then trim in shapes like they do with the bushes at Disneyland. Of course I got stuck after I did an elephant, an anteater, and a giraffe drinking out of water but when he got exited he would be eating out of a tree.

elephant bushes

(not actual size)

Question 2: what are some nicknames?

I have decided to throw out some nicknames for the pubic hair styling of men. If you would like to come up with some of your own in the comments please do so. But I think we should vote and come up with acceptable nicknames that we can use in everyday conversation.

Shaved is now called the Danny Pintauro

pintauro
Why? Because I will always think of him as Jonathan from “Whose the Boss?” and never once the entire time that show was on the air did he probably have a single ball hair. Also I think he prefers them to be bald while bouncing off of his chin, so it’s like a double definition there.

Trimmed is called the Chuck Norris

chuck norris

Why? I think that the whole Chuck Norris joke has been beaten into the ground but apparently a lot of people still like it. So by latching Chuck Norris to the named of neatly trimmed balls might give this project some legs. Plus you have to be pretty tough to put scissors down there and the final job should resemble his beard.

For the people that trim around the middle but never get the sides it is called the Larry Fine

Why? Because I wanted to make two Larry Fine references in my blog sue me.

For people that just let it go it is called

(for black guys) the Clarence Williams III

(for white guys) the Larry Dallas

Larry Dallas

Why? Come on… Do I need to explain?

So there you have it people. Do these nicknames work? Should we brainstorm and think of something else? Did you have me pegged for a trimmer?

Just so many questions.

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Cosmo Questions Answered

Published by Kevin on May 29, 2006 in Cosmo Questions Answered. 2 Comments

Last week I answered the questions straight out of Seventeen Magazine. In fact I did so well that I figured I was ready to take on the next age group and tackle the questions out of Cosmo. Instead of taking on the normal relationship questions I figured I should strut my stuff as a fashion and personal grooming guru and take on those questions. If you doubt my knowledge of personal grooming and style let me just throw this picture up to prove I know my shit:
fashion

If you can’t take fashion advice from a guy that can pull that look off than who can you take fashion advice from?

Q: I want to give my tresses a fuller look. Any tips?

A: Uh… um.. what the fuck are tresses? Let’s move on. (I am not starting out very well here.)

Q: My clothes always smell like my perfume. How can I prevent that from happening in the future?

A: What are you Irish and attempting to cover up your drinking habit? How much of that shit are you putting on?

Here is a simple rule of thumb that I like to use. If you own perfume or cologne and if everything you own in your house smells like it: your sheets, your clothes, your cat’s litter box… Well then you have a problem and need to scale it back a little. No guy wants a girl to smell like a three dollar whore. Well except for this man:

creepy guy

But that is just how he gets down.

Q: Should I take off my undies when I get a pro massage?

A: As a Cosmo girl don’t you know that is it never appropriate to wear underwear?

Q: How do I pull off dark, smoky eyes without looking like I’m wearing too much makeup?

A: Get an abusive boyfriend:

black eye

Just make sure you criticize him for being a loser or not have dinner ready when he gets home.

According to Pussy Galore there is an added bonus: You’ll be so stressed out waiting for him to hit you that pounds will come right off!

See not only is it a makeup tip but a weight loss tip, we are pretty damn efficient around these parts.

Q: How can I learn to paint my nails like a pro?

A: Emigrate to Korea.

Q: Now that it’s cold out, I can’t air-dry my hair, but my stylist told me not to blow-dry it every day because I’ll damage it. What should I do?

A: It’s like Speed, “Stay on or get off? STAY ON OR GET OFF?” What would you do? What would you do?

On the one side you may get incredibly sick for going outside with wet hair. The flipside is that you could possibly end up with split ends and damaged hair. SPLIT ENDS!!!!!!! Noooooooooooooooooooo.

Do women really put their looks in front of their personal health? I just can’t believe that. It’s probably an isolated case.

Q: I have lots of dark pink spots on my feet from last summer’s blisters, I really liked showing off my feet in a couple of shoes that were slightly small. Is there a way to banish the blisters before sandal season?

A: Uh… My god… I need to abort on this whole exercise.

Q: Can I shrink the size of my pores? They are huge!

A: I have never in my life considered the size of my pores. In fact after reading this I got rather self conscious about it. I spent twenty seven minutes in front of the mirror looking at my pores. I think my pores maybe clogged as well and they might be abnormally large. How to I clean my pores? Do I need a special soap or cleanser? How do I shrink them? Do I need a special facial scrub, maybe an avocado mask to wear at night…

OH MY GOD. What has Cosmo done to me?

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Drunken Mistakes Vol 7

Published by Kevin on May 26, 2006 in Drunken Mistakes. 4 Comments

DUI Idol

(Note: I do not condone drunk driving in anyway, shape, or form. I just want to make that clear before I tell this story. )

So far all the drunken mistakes stories have involved me in some way shape or form. This story is one that doesn’t involve me at all. The thing is I have heard this story so many times and it is so damn funny that I have to share it.
My friend Squirty went to college at the State University of New York at Brockport. Now Brockport isn’t the toughest school to get into. If you can fill out an application and if you have a pulse you pretty much are a guaranteed a spot in their hallowed halls. While at Brockport my friend Squirty got into the greek life pretty hardcore. He used to regal us of tales about the Bong Olympics and his clutch performances in those games. In fact he was like the Bruce Jenner of the Bong Olympics. He also used to spin yarns about how out of control greek life was there. His favorite story was about the night he got pulled over on the way home from the bar.

Squirty was on the way home from a night of drinking at the bars. He had gone out right after work so he had his car with him. Instead of leaving it at the bar he decided to bring it home because he had to work the next day. Little did Squirty know that one of his headlights was out.

On his way home Squirty got pulled over about five houses down from his house. The cop came to the car window to talk to him and smelt the alcohol. This would be a good time to share that Squirty had been drinking a little bit and while out decided to buy a bag of weed from a friend, which was currently in his front pocket. (I never said my friends were smart.) After running his license the police officer decided that Squirty needed to do a field sobriety test.

The office came back to the car and asked Squirty to step out of the car to administer the test. When Squirty did this he realized that he had been pulled over in front of a rival fraternities house and they were having a house party. Because it was a house party the front porch was full of people that were intently watching the situation.

For the first test Squirty had to reach his head back and stick out his arms. With his head still back he had to touch the tip of his nose with his index finger. He leaned his head back and accomplished the task. As soon as he did it the entire porch exploded with applause.

Next up was the walking a like heel to toe, heel to toe. Within four steps he stumbled a little and couldn’t get the concept of going heel to toe the entire porch let out a groan. Squirty at this point was shitting himself for multiple reasons, he knew for sure he was going to jail for drunk driving and shortly after the cop searched him drug possession was going to be added to the list.
dui

For the final test the cop asked Squirty to recite the alphabet backwards from P. He started to do it when people on the porch started chanting, “We can’t hear you, we can’t hear you!” At this point the cop couldn’t hold back anymore and started laughing. He asked him where he lived and Squirty said four houses down. He agreed to follow him home and if he left his house at all rest of the night he would be arrested. Someone got off very lucky.

Moral of the Story: If you are going to get pulled over for drunk driving make sure it is in front of a crowd? I uh guess that is it.

Have a safe and fun holiday weekend everyone!

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Random Things I Like

Published by Kevin on May 25, 2006 in Things I Think About. 1 Comment

So I am rather lazy at this point in the week, so lazy that I didn’t even want to go through and do a blog from the vault. Instead I decided to take the easy way out and write a list. I like writing lists partially because I am lazy but I also enjoy writing them because I feel it gives me some order in my life. So here is a list of random things that I like. This list may just prove I am insane or will point out things you may take for granted.

gasoline

The smell of gasoline- I love the smell of gas for some reason. I think if I was taken hostage and tied up then doused with gasoline I wouldn’t worry of my impending doom. Instead I would be a blissful daze from inhaling one of my favorite smells. Of course that would come to an end once they toss at match at me.

binder clips

Binder clips- I fucking love these things. Stapling? That takes effort. Three hole punching? That is for bitches. Screw paper clips, binder clips are where it is at for everything. In fact I am going to go out on a limb and declare binder clips my favorite office supply. You know what… I am going to take it a step farther and declare binder clips the official office supply of my blog.

ritz bits smores

Ritz Bits S’mores- Fuck you Nabisco. I have been eating rather healthy and living a nice healthy lifestyle before this shit hit the market. I was sitting around watching hockey the other night and decided to try them out within minutes I polished off like half of the box without even thinking about it. I came to the realization that putting me in front of a box of these is like putting Nicole Richie in front of a pile of coke. Basically none of it will be left.

minnie driver

Minnie Driver- Can’t explain it… Maybe it was her role in Good Will Hunting or in Grosse Point Blank. I just have a crush on her. I really don’t have anything to say here.

The Bunnicula series- This was one of my favorite series of books as a kid. It is a story that is told from the family dogs perspective about a vampire rabbit.

rabbit attack

I didn’t say killer rabbit… A vampire rabbit that sucks the blood out of vegetables but the cat thinks he is there to hurt the family. Ok I probably confused some people with the last two references so let’s bring this baby home.

And finally….

Holding onto the dream- I decided while driving home last night from LA in a partial daze due to exhaustion that I have a new dream in my life. My goal is to get a lap dance at a strip club. Wait that isn’t the whole thing, bare with me now. When the lap dance starts the girl on stage decides to dance to “Free Bird” by Skynard giving me 9:08 of lap dance time for only twenty bucks. It would be the greatest bargain ever. Not only would you get an extra long lapper but the stripper will be pissed because she really could have fit in three songs over that period of time. So the lap dance would be out of hate and resentment, wait aren’t all of them? If it happened I would probably weep in the stripper’s hair. In other words it would be a normal Saturday night.
What are random things that you like that wouldn’t be considered normal?

Tomorrow: drunken mistakes volume 7

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Excuses Suck

Published by Kevin on May 24, 2006 in Things I Think About. 1 Comment

The other day I was sitting at work and listening to a voice mail of someone calling in sick. The caller was putting on an act saying how they were under the weather and couldn’t come into work. When the real reason was his direct boss was out and knew it was a good day to avoid coming into work. I knew he was in the middle of moving and probably just had shit to do. But when calling into work why did he need to put on the act? He was perfectly fine the day before and perfectly fine the next day. He could have just called up and said, “I’m not feeling well, I am not coming in.” Clean, simple, and it works it’s not a lie or a bullshit excuse.

The whole bullshit excuse thing got me thinking. What was the worst bullshit excuse I have ever told? Probably a car excuse in high school.

Then it went from there to what was the worst bullshit excuse I have ever heard from someone? I couldn’t really think of an all time winner.

My train of thought shifted to what is the worst bullshit excuse in history? I was following orders would rank right up there.

Finally I began to think what people have the worst bull shit excuses? Of course politicians came to mind, and then I thought about celebrities, I also thought about some major corporations before finally settling on the group that I think has the worst excuses ever….Sex offenders.

When you examine the excuses that sex offenders give they are always really lame:

Did you see what she was wearing- When someone drops that excuse it always makes me want to vomit. Unless a woman is wearing a shirt that says, “insert cock against my will here” and it points to her vagina there is no outfit that says rape me.

Well unless you are a sock puppet, you get molested every day because of what you are wearing.

sock puppet

Last time I checked what people wear should not be a reason for a crime. Granted, I do want to kick the shit out of everyone wearing a trucker hat but common sense and decency prevent me from doing so. This is a poor excuse.

We have a love you will never understand- This is for the teachers that sleep with their students.

debra lafavre

mary kay leterno

I could go on with the pictures but really they are usually hot and blonde.

This excuse cracks me up. You are banging a kid that can’t even write a business letter and he is your soul mate? Are you kidding me? The one thing that is really interesting about these pictures is that they all have this crazed look in their eye. I need to date a girl like that but sadly I am probably too old. They like guys with peach fuzz mustaches and that rock faux gold.

They looked like they were 18- This one is probably my favorite exxuse. This is used when the lecherous creepy guy sleeps with an underage girl. When you are in your mid forties and you are trying to pick up on a girl wearing pig tails and braces you may want to consider asking for ID.
cindy brady

(perverts love girls with handle bars on their head)

Using the she looked older excuse is horrible. It’s like the retarded roommate you had in college that decided to drink out of a gallon of milk without checking the expiration date. After he drinks the curdled milk and pukes. After doing it for the 15th time he always says that it “looked ok”. So I should give you a personal rule of mine, never guess on or eyeball something that can send you to jail or the hospital.

Granted there is so good excuse that a sex offender could give to justify any of their actions but I would rather hear, “She had a pretty mouth sir. Well until she bit my ear off fighting me off.” This would be better than the current bullshit they shovel our way now.

If you are going to give a bad excuse at least be creative with it.

Who do you think gives the worst excuses? And what is the worst excuse you have ever heard?

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In Breaking News….

Seventeen Magazine’s Questions Answered

Published by Kevin on May 21, 2006 in Seventeen Magazine. 1 Comment

(Well the questions from Parade Magazine were awful. There was actually a question about Dougray Scott. Who the hell is a Dougray Scott fan? 99 percent of the people out there don’t even know who he is. So I decided to try a crack at my other favorite magazine, Seventeen. As always these are the actual questions with my answers.)

Q: I really wish I could be skinny! At first I wanted to lose weight because people teased me about my size, but now I’m working toward it as a personal goal. I exercise and eat right, but somehow it’s not working. I need to know: Am I ever going to reach my goal of being slimmer?
–Samantha, 18, Boston, MA

A: Samantha this is a question that impacts a lot of young people these days. The first thing we need to determine is how much money your parents make a year. Sneak into your parent’s room or home office and look for their tax returns. If you don’t want to be sneaky look around you, how nice is your house? Do your parents have nice cars? Basically I am asking if your parents are loaded. If they are loaded consider getting gastric bypass.

If your mom is a single mom, if you live in an apartment or if you are from south Boston you will need to go with option number two:
induce

(It’s never too early to make your child worry about their body type!!!!)

A good healthy eating disorder will have you looking like a supermodel in no time! Don’t worry about the eroding of your esophagus it’s a highly overrated internal body part. Remember bulimia is a choice not a disease!

Just a reminder, make sure to stock up on altoids or other after dinner type mints.

Q: I am considered the mean girl at my school! I think I am nice and caring yet everyone thinks I am mean. I know that I shouldn’t care what others think, but it really hurts. What should I do?
–Eliza, 16, Atlanta, GA

A: Eliza this really needs to be broken down by gender. If girls only hate you it means you are pretty and they are jealous, you don’t want them to be your friends anyways. Find an ugly girl or a fat girl to be your friend. They will accept your friendship because this will bring them up a social class. The benefits of having the fat or ugly girl as a friend are that you will look that much hotter.

Make sure you explain their roles to them, their duties include:

Cock blocking
Doing your homework
Being a yes girl
Reminding you how cool you are

Now if the boys hate you Eliza there is one simple solution. Put out… A LOT. No guy will dislike you then. Just make sure you are on the pill.

Q: My best friend is gorgeous, and guys go after her all the time. She goes on multiple dates with guys who really like her even when she has no interest in them at all. She acts like she’s not doing anything wrong. When I nicely mentioned to her that she should be careful about their feelings, she got mad at me. Was it wrong to say something?
–Christine, 16, Port Murray, NJ

A: OMG!!! STFU!!!! U R sUcH a ByAtCh… whoa sorry these questions are warping my mind.

Christine just because your friend rocks the food court with her new boy toy in Passaic and rotates through them like you do tampons on your flow doesn’t mean you should be upset about it. She doesn’t care about their feelings because they don’t care about hers. They are thinking about one thing:

panties on head

So it is wrong that you opened your mouth. You are probably just jealous. Go home, shut your mouth, and study so in 12 years when you get together for your ten year reunion and you are a lawyer and Christine has 9 different kids from 9 different fathers you can laugh at her.

Q: I’m having trouble getting over my ex, and I can’t stop thinking about him! What should I do to get my mind off him? Help!
–Storm, 14, Divide,CO

A: Storm? What are your parents positioning you for the pole right off of the bat? Who the fuck names their daughter Storm? I think you should just stop everything and start learning how to pick up dollar bills with your snatch.

Anyways at 14 you have peaked. There is NO way you will ever have a meaningful relationship again. Basically what I am telling you is that you will never get over your ex and you should just end it now. If you haven’t found the true love for the rest of your live at your age you are screwed.

Of course you could always OD to draw attention from your boyfriend showing him how much he means to you. I would say start with Flintstones’ Vitamins and work your way up from there.

(So there you have it, a little change-up from Parade. Should we add Seventeen into the rotation? Let me know what you think.)

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