I am one tough son of a bitch… I eat nails and break them down into thumbtacks before I shit them out, that is how tough I am. I’m so tough that I am man enough to fuck Bea Arthur. But even a tough guy has some weak points. In fact there are some people or groups of people that strike unmitigated fear into my heart. These are all people that I would never want to come face to face with in a back alley.
Dame Judy Dench
Why she scares me: She always has a pissed off and stern look on her face. I always feel like she is going to give me a lecture when she comes on screen about something that I did that nobody knows about. “The Chronicles of Riddick” was on the other night and I thought she was going to rip me a new asshole about the one time I hid peas in the centerpiece of our dinner table because I didn’t want to eat them. What a bitch.
Why they scare me: They’re weird.
Why they scare me:
a) They have the unimpeded ability to kick the crap out of students with the backing of god.
b) They make me feel guilty. I used to work at a computer company handling high end accounts with businesses. One of the accounts was a convent that had high end computing needs. Every time I deal with them I sold them everything crazy cheap, even though the Catholic Church has more money than a Vegas Casino. I really think it was out of fear.
Why she scares me: My sister and have never gotten along. It is safe to say after her 26 years on earth we have had a deep seeded hatred for 23 of them. The reason why I fear her is one simple fact… She is indestructible.
When we were little we fought. We fought some more. And we fought a little bit more. My friends still refer to our fights as “legendary”. My sister has a level of psycho angry that has never been seen. She gets so angry that nothing phases her. I have hit her in the head at close range with a golf ball, a hockey puck and random action figures. None have ever drawn blood or left a mark.
The golf ball legitimately went 20-30 feet up in the air after hitting her head. I had four friends that witnessed the event. Yet she continued to try to attack me. No concussion, no black out and yet all the rage. If the army could find a way to clone her they would have the ultimate super solider, of course it would be the most mentally and emotionally unstable solider. Let’s move on.
Why they scare me: I grew up in a lilywhite school district. There was one girl in my graduating class that was African American, her name was Mandy. Mandy was in the top five of our graduating class, she was smart as hell and sassy. One day we got into a heated argument in class where it ended with her destroying me so bad verbally that I felt like I should curl up into the fetal position and piss myself. At that point I learned that black girls have a bitch meter of 15 while ever other girl has a bitch meter of 10. I figured I might be wrong though and then I got to college at the University of Albany.
My sophomore year I was the only white male on my floor. My suitemates were all different races but mostly they dated black girls. The fights that they had with their girlfriends were just amazing. I have never seen men eviscerated like that before… They were just lumps on the ground after they got done with them.
At that point I knew that there is no way that I could win an argument with black girl. Last week Nina asked me to send her pictures of me with a traffic cone shoved up my ass, just to avoid a fight I complied.
That weird looking guy from the Black Eyed Peas
Why he scares me: If I had to envision what death looks like it would be this guy. He scares the ever living shit out of me.
I was driving down the road by Lucky Strikes in LA and he was walking down the street with a girl in tow. I almost ran my car off of the road. Not because I saw someone famous but I thought the end was upon me.
He looks like a demon… In fact I am positive that the only reason why this band is popular is because he is boys with Satan… It can’t be for their music, Fergie isn’t that hot and their lyrics aren’t emotionally touching.
But I guess when you have the grim reaper in your group the skies the limit.