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Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

By: Bobby Finstock on 04/24/06 @ 6:33 pm

(Note: There is a debate that will happen at the end of this blog. So if you lose interest or something at least skip to the end and discuss the ultimate debate that I am having with Trista.)

As per usual, on Monday mornings, this is where I take the questions from “Parade Magazine”, which you can find in your Sunday paper, and answer the dumb ass questions that are asked in there every week. However this week there is a little twist. I would like to announce my long standing, albeit rather one sided, feud with Paris Hilton has come to an end. To show that everything is now Kosher with us she has agreed to come in and answer these questions with me. We are currently in talks to do a movie together titled, “It’s true what every tourist says about Paris: It smells horrible” it’s just a working title I am sure the studio will come up with something a little catchier.

Q. I heard that Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend have broken up. True or false?
Deidre McCormick, Boston, Mass.

A. Paris- OMG! Did you see her in “Monsters Inc”? She got all like fat and stuff. I’d fuck Stuart.

Kevin- Uh.. I think you mean the movie “Monster”.

Paris- There are monsters at the movies?

Kevin- We can talk about this later Paris. Deidre it is false, he wasn’t at the academy awards with her because he was filming a movie. They are very much still a couple.

Q. I understand Stephen Baldwin is trying to shut down porn shops. Can you explain his crusade?
Tom Jones, South Plainfield, N.J.

A. Paris- Like “Biodome” is my favorite movie EVER! But closing down porn shops…I don’t kick the cock out his mouth when he is at work. Remember to buy “One Night in Paris” now out with special directors commentary.

Kevin- Wow there is a lot to cover on both the question and your response here. The fact that a Baldwin brother is trying to be taken seriously is rather frightening to me. I guess we should listen to him though, when you star in such groundbreaking movies such as “Threesome” you hold a certain weight in the community.

As far as the directors commentary, I thought it was something that you guys set up and tapped are you saying it was staged?

Paris- Doesn’t everyone have a professional camera crew around them?

Q. As I recall, Diahann Carroll divorced singer Vic Damone a decade ago. Has she ever remarried?
Jeff Fowler, Syracuse, N.Y.

A. Kevin- I got this one Paris. I don’t really know what happened to Vic but I know what happened to his brother Mike.


Q. I was surprised to see Tiger Woods playing in a blue-and-white striped golf shirt. Isnt his lucky color red?
Wally Green, La Quinta, Calif.

A. Paris- OMG! A black guy wearing red, is he in a gang or something?

Kevin- No Paris, red is his lucky color which he traditionally wears on the final day of the tournament. In the rest of the rounds of the tournament he wears various other shirt colors, otherwise Nike would be pretty damn pissed if all they could market is red golf shirts.

Paris- Did you see when he dyed his hair yellow? Do you think the carpet matched the drapes?

Kevin- I prefer not to think about it.

Q. A recent TV special on the late Roy Orbison known for hits like Oh, Pretty Woman and Cryingshowed him wearing a pendant that resembled a Nazi swastika. Was he an anti-Semite?
N. Goldberger, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

A. Paris- Like wtf? Mr. Goldberger in Florida why would you care if he was an anti-Semite or not? What he does in the bedroom should stay there!

Kevin- Uh…um… Just to clear this up Roy Orbison was wearing a pendant that was a Cross Alisee Patte, it is not a swastika. There is a rather large difference between the two.

Q. Gillian Anderson was brilliant in PBS’s Bleak House. Why hasn’t she become as big a star as, say, Felicity Huffman?
Bud Buell, Palm Springs, Calif.

A. Kevin- Since I am just a dork that writes a blog on myspace I dont feel really qualified to answer this question. Paris do you want to handle this?

Paris- This is what I did. First make sure your family has a TON of money. Drop out of high school and go to every party possible in the following three cities: New York, Miami, and Los Angeles. Get a reputation as being the ultimate party girl. Also make sure you put out A LOT. If you do this for about four years you will turn yourself into a brand name and be placed in tv shows, movies, books, magazines and possibly record an album. While some people see appearing in those things as taking talent really you are just being placed in them like a pepsi can is for product placement. If things sag a little secretly release a porno to salvage your fame.

Kevin- I hope everyone took notes.

The Debate:

I proclaimed last night in a discussion with Trista aka the Happy Commuter that Holes album “Live Through This” was one of the best ten alternative rock albums of the 1990s.

I despise Courtney Love and I firmly believe that the album was heavily impacted by her relationship with Kurt Cobain But you can’t deny the quality of the album based on those two factors. When looking at the other classic alternative albums from the 90s I came up with a list of albums that would make any top ten probably:

Nevermind- Nirvana (although I swear it was released in 89)
Ten- Pearl Jam
Slanted and Enchanted- Pavement
Soundgarden- Superunknown
Ritual De Lo Habitual- Janes Addiction
Rid of Me- PJ Harvey
Rage Against the Machine-Rage Against the Machine
OK Computer- Radiohead

After that a debate can be made for numerous albums but I dont think any of these blow away Live Through This

The Downward Spiral- Nine Inch Nails
Siamese Dream- Smashing Pumpkins
Core- STP
The Breeders
The Pixies
Sublime- Sublime
Exile in Guyville- Liz Phair

Do I have an argument here? What am I forgetting?

Filed in: Questions Answered

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

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