The Great Milk Experiment

After the success of the great cornnuts experiment Michelle and I decided that we, in the name of science, should come up with a second experiment. After much discussion and watching Michelle breast feed her child we got into a heated debate about breast milk. She was trying to sell me on the fact that breast milk tasted like any other type of milk. Now I am a milk snob, I think 1 percent and 2 percent are the only milk types that should ever be ingested. Skim milk is like water and it ruins the taste of cereal. Whole milk is like drinking butter… And I refuse to acknowledge Soy milk… You can NOT milk a plant.

So in the name of science I decided to try out breast milk.

Now there were some issues with this experiment. The first one was how was I going to get my hands on the milk? I suggested the idea of getting the milk right from the source. After all everything is better fresh. Michelle’s husband issued this response through his legal team:

To: Kevin@pointlessbanter.net
From: (e-mail address withheld)
Subject: Re: Michelle’s Titty Milk

Message: You have no fucking chance.

Plan B was now in effect. Michelle had some in her freezer and now the experiment was on…

The Setup:

After almost losing my eye in the great cornnuts experiment I decided to up the level of protection. Eye goggles were mandatory this time around. Plus I decided to protect my hair. I am not sure what breast milk is made out of, I mean I know when my fluids get in a female’s hair they don’t like it so I figured the reverse might be true. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

Test 1: How does it taste with Quick?

I love Quick… I would mainline it if I could. There is something about adding processed sugar to milk that gets my nipples erect. Because I am a big pussy we decided to ease me into the breast milk by adding some Quick to it.

Result: It wasn’t that bad but I can still tell a difference. I wish I had a chaser… The Quick covered the taste… it could ALMOST pass as regular milk.

Test 2: How does it taste on cereal?

The next test is a really important one. I love cereal. I love it more than just about any other food on the planet. I love it more than a lonely girl loves her pocket rocket. This was going to be a make or break point for me.

Result: I would rather go down on Mindy Cohn after she hasn’t shaved for a year and bathed for a month…

Don’t get excited Mindy it wasn’t an offer.

It did not pass this test…

Test 3: Will I cry if it gets spilt?

Simple… Let’s see if I cry over spilt milk…

Nope, not a tear.

Result: I didn’t cry so it’s not like regular milk. Because I would be bawling like a baby if that was a glass of my milk… I actually had to shank my nephew when he attempted to finish the gallon last week. I can sharpen a toothbrush like nobody else.

Test 4: The Pepsi challenge… The blind taste test.

Remember when they would run the little tests between Pepsi and Coke? For some reason Michelle said that we should do this. Like I wasn’t going to be able to tell the difference between the two, I mean come on at this point I know the difference. So I figured I had one shot to guess right and down it, saying that I knew it was regular milk… Or I could get stuck with the breast milk and want to kill myself.

Result: I guessed right, downed the regular and took the blindfold off refusing to drink the second glass.

I can say without a reasonable doubt that breast milk taste like shit.

The only reasons why newborns drink it is because:

a) They are starving and would eat anything
b) They have never had anything else so they don’t know any better
c) It’s an easy and immediate delivery system

But I’ll stick with my 1 percent milk. It does a body good.

Got Milk?