Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

(It’s Monday so that means it is time for me to go through the questions that are asked in “Parade Magazine”, which can be found in your paper every Sunday. As always these are the actual questions asked by the readers of Parade. I give them the real answers though…)

Q. As a fan of CBS’ NUMB3RS, I’m curious about David Krumholtz. Is he really a math genius?
—Kathy Hess, Allentown, Pa.

A. I have been doing this type of column for awhile. Each week I find a question that totally stuns me and I proclaim it as the dumbest question ever asked. I now hang my head in shame because I was blowing things out of proportion before. This is the single stupidest question that has ever been asked… But I, like always, must give it a faithful answer.

Kathy, I think your question is an important one and I wanted to make sure that I put the time into researching it. So I called up my friend Kiefer Sutherland who plays a former government agent on “24”. Kiefer also is a former government agent in real life because actors actually are exactly what they play on television. “Kevin I don’t know, you may want to call someone with some real power and authority,” said Kiefer in our brief conversation, “By the way I love your blog… simply awesome.”

So I decided to jump to the top of the food change and call someone with a lot of pull in the government. So I decided to call the President of the United States; except I wasn’t sure which one to call Martin Sheen or Geena Davis…

Because I wasn’t sure who was in power I decided to call another mathematical genius Russell Crowe to verify the legitimacy of Krumholtz’s ability. Crowe a former; sailor, gladiator, cop, mechanic, and boxer said that he thought Krumholtz was above board.

There you go Kathy… Now I am off to hang out with Harrison Ford as he pilots me through outer space. Oh and Kathy, never turn on your television again…

Q. You said 16-year-old Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe is the richest teen in Britain. Does he have a girlfriend?
—L. Collingsworth, Los Angeles, Calif.

A. I just can’t stay away from this kid can I? I am skipping to the next question.

Q. As a Geena Davis fan, I’d like to know why Commander in Chief went from being a big hit to being put on hiatus.
—Carleton C., Charleston, S.C.

A.

Have you seen her face? It’s pulled tighter than a regular size condom covering my ridiculously huge Johnson.

Let’s be fair… It’s a show about a female President, who wants to watch that fake crap… A female President…Like that will ever happen…

Or will it?

Q. Please settle a bet. My wife says the best-known Three Stooges are still alive. I say no. Who pays?
—Dan Dempsey, Round Lake Beach, Ill.

A. Dan I really regret to inform you of this. I really hate to be the person to tell you something that you obviously haven’t picked up on. Your wife is an idiot. I know… sit down soak it in… It is a little rough to handle.

They have all been dead for close to 30 years… If they were alive they would be close to 105 years old. Granted it is possible but the odds aren’t very good. Plus you figure they would be rolling these guys out for some sort of awards or there would be some sort of updated interviews with them.

For the bet I hope you had a no fault divorce with no spousal support on the line, because you married a fairly dumb bitch.

Q. I just saw The Color Purple on Broadway and wonder if its star felt intimidated about recreating a role Whoopi Goldberg made famous in the 1985 film?
—Lauren Robb, Abilene, Tex.

A. “She stared in fucking ‘Sister Act 2’”, replied LaChanze (born: Rhonda Sapp), “How intimidated could I be?” LaChanze playing the role Whoopi Goldberg made famous went onto say, “You think her fat ass is going to get out of the center square long enough to watch me perform anyways? This is the least amount of pressure I have ever felt in my career.”

Q. Music producer Phil Spector, whose murder trial is later this year, suggests that actress Lana Clarkson committed suicide in his mansion. How plausible is that?
—J. Cates, Atlanta, Ga.

A.

How can anyone not take this guy seriously?