Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered
Q. Brad Pitt’s hair is now dark and shaggy, and he’s grown sideburns. Is it my imagination, or is he starting to look like Angelina Jolie’s ex-husband, Billy Bob Thornton?
-Denice Harvey, North Port, Fla.
A. You know what… Before I get into this question I have one thing to say. Fuck your parents for not spelling your name Denise. Why do people think changing the spelling of their kid’s name is clever? What’s next? Bwueb? Oh that is pronounced like Bob the w is silent and the ue makes an o sound, it is very progressive.
I’m naming my kids Dick and Jane just to prove a point.
Now onto your question Denise, I can totally see where you could get these two guys mixed up:
I see that and think Brad Pitt… It’s an honest mistake to get those two mixed up. One looks like my Mongoloid auto mechanic and the other like… well like Brad Pitt.
Q. My spouse says actress Alexis Smith was related to silent-movie star Mary Pickford. I say they had nothing in common. Who’s right?
-Dorothy Lester, Denver, Colo.
A. They do have something in common they are both dead.
Q. Christian Slater was charged with sexual abuse for grabbing a woman’s buttocks. What happened to the case?
-Joseph Donadio, Philadelphia, Pa.
A. It’s about time you bastards at Parade started working with me and not against me. I can plug an old blog entry because of this question. Thank god we are now on the same page.
If you don’t know about him getting arrested you can read about it in one of my old entries here
Nothing happened to the case because he is Christian “Freaking” Slater and he is one of the most important actors of the last 15 years… Yeah I said it. In fact I will go out on a limb and say he is better than Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh yes… I went there.
Their best five movies:
Slater:
Heathers
Pump Up the Volume
Interview with a Vampire
Young Guns II
True Romance
DiCaprio:
The Aviator
Titanic
Gangs of New York
The Basketball Diaries
Romeo and Juliet
I would watch Slater’s movies over any of the five DiCaprio movies… True Romance alone beats all five of DiCaprio’s movies…
Q. I bought Heroes of Baseball for my son. Does the author, Robert Lipsyte, think we should let our kids worship players who take steroids?
-William Nicholson, New York, N.Y.
A. Yes he does. In fact he wishes there were more racists and whoremongers in baseball like in the 1920’s so the example can be set for a whole new generation of kids. “You just don’t have white players calling black players n*****s anymore,” Lipsyte spoke referring to Ty Cobb. “The first three people elected into the hall of fame included one of the most blatant racists of all time and a guy that banged 15 hookers a week. Of course morally steroids aren’t as cool as the other stuff.”
Lipsyte also commented that the biggest hero from the 1950’s Micky Mantle was a “lush”.
(Note: The writer of this column does not endorse Lipsyte’s opinions. The writer is just using this fake quote to make fun of the hypocrisy of baseball.)
Q. I heard that jazz singer Cassandra Wilson’s new CD will be different. How?
-Harvey Gelb, Los Angeles, Calif.
A. Rap Death Metal Fusion, I shit you not.
Q. You wrote that John Corbett (Sex and the City) was leaving acting for music. Isn’t he afraid Hollywood will forget him?
-Kim Davis, Orlando, Fla.
A. Who?
Oh this guy? Well thank god he still has a publicist to send in stupid questions to Parade Magazine to keep him in the public consciousness. Aside from the ladies that play with the little man in the boat over him while watching their “Sex in the City” box set does anyone care?
Speaking of “Sex and the City” I need to explain this to all the ladies out there. Just because you drink appletinis, wear nice shoes, and bang random guys it does not make you like Carrie Bradshaw or even that skank Samantha. It just makes you a slutty girl that gets bombed on appletinis and pays way too much money for a pair of shoes you will wear once every six months.
Do you know why I know this is true? Because wearing the jersey of my favorite team with my name on the back of it does not make me a member of said team. It just makes me a loser that got my name on the jersey of my favorite team.
(Note: I do not own a jersey with my name on it. Just using it as an example, if I ever bought a jersey with my name on it you have full permission to shoot me.)
