Parade Magazine Questions Answered

Q. I know that Carly Schroeder, who plays Harrison Ford’s daughter in Firewall, appeared on TV’s Lizzie McGuire. She strikes me as a typical teenager. Is she?
—Robert Schuman, Winthrop, Iowa

A. Yeah because teen actors always end up being regular teens… They are always normal. In fact I heard the kids from “Different Strokes” turned out awesome; I would have considered them typical teenagers. Actually Carly spends most of her days writing to Seventeen Magazine about the typical issues teenagers face. This is a sample of her last letter:

“So I was on a date with the captain of the football team. We went to the beach after going to McDonald’s for dinner. We were making out on a giant rock when I noticed that my pants were wet. I got my period! I was wearing white shorts and I was so embarrassed because you could see stains in them. OMG! He took of his jacket so I would wear it around my waist.”

I love Seventeen Magazine, the period stories crack me up every time… I think it is a federally required law that they must include a period story in every issue.

Q. On the CBS hit Criminal Minds, FBI agent Elle Greenaway referred recently to an “unsub.” I know a “perp” is a perpetrator, but what’s an unsub?
—Eric Bonow, Evansville, Ind.

A. Unsub means unsubscribe which everyone is going to do if I don’t bring something better than a period joke.

Yes I know it means unidentified subject… I figure I should post that before everyone does their answer the questions correctly bit in the comments section…. I am looking at you Nina… :p

Q. Pat Robertson, host of The 700 Club, just published Miracles Can Be Yours Today. What miracle does he pray for?
—S. Hensley, Los Angeles, Calif.

A. That the bunk next to Hitler in hell his occupied so he can share a room with Charles Manson. Or it is to exploit more money from old ladies that don’t know any better. You can go either way with that one.

Q. You said Bette Midler has no plans for more tribute CDs, but I heard she plans one of Laura Nyro songs. True?
—Richard Tominsky, Boston, Mass.

A. This is like the second Bette Midler question in two months. I just don’t get it. I need to know exactly who Bette Midler’s fans are. My mother has questionable taste in music and she doesn’t even like Bette Midler. I don’t know anyone that openly says that they enjoy the work of Better Midler except for one person:

That might sum everything up.

Q. I was a fan of Yvonne DeCarlo, a star of Hollywood’s Golden Age. Is she still alive?
—A. Richardson, Washington, D.C.

A. No… thanks for sending in the question though.

Q. Hollywood likes to cash in on old TV series, like Miami Vice. Is The A-Team next? If so, will it star Mr. T?
—Kay Downs, Camden, N.J.

A. I have written repeatedly about Hollywood pissing on my youth. Not only are they going to remake CHiPs with Wilmer Valderama… They have decided to remake my favorite show from when I was a kid, The A-Team. I can’t even rationally handle that. I have George Peppard’s autograph damn it!

After threatening to slice my wrists with a copy of the newly released DOOM DVD, I mean there is no point in actually watching that heaping pile of shit right? I calmed down and thought about it. Maybe they are going to make a cool stylized version of it like they did with Miami Vice. I mean Michael Mann directed it, so you know Vice will be gritty. But then I stumbled across the list of people they wanted to play BA Baracus the role Mr. T filled in the series and I saw this guy listed:

At that point I began to swallow my tongue. One of the people that is single handedly killing SNL as we know it will now destroy the A-team forever. Outstanding possible casting choice, really… I will now continue my plans to move to Montana and live in a shed. Thanks Hollywood!

Tomorrow: The single thing I am worst at… well not including writing and hitting a curveball.