Donkeyism
Would any of you ever have thought 10 years ago that Creationism would gain the type of ground it has in our culture and in our Nation’s schools? You would have laughed at the notion, right? And yet here it is, pushed on us by The Christian Taliban, declaring a Jihad on human progress and science. It’s a stunning turn of events.
But, ever the opportunist, Donkey has decided to capitalize on the ever-growing mental retardation in this country by coming up with his own Creation Myth and starting a campaign at both the State and Federal level to get it taught in our Public Schools. Behold:
Donkeyism
30,000 years ago, only Donkey roamed the earth, placed here by an all knowing, Angry God to populate our planet. Donkey foraged on an endless supply of Hot Wings, Peanut Butter Capn Crunch, and Malt liquor, pausing only when he needed to drop a Deuce or clean out his mighty beard.
Now Donkey’s dung was magical. Not only did it smell of lilacs, but from its great, corn-filled depths would spring forth new species of animals, two by two. And thus did Donkey populate the earth.
From this load sprang forth the Giraffe and the Lion (and a quarter)
However, soon Donkey was called forth by God to quell an uprising in Hell, led by Satan himself. Donkey fought valliantly, stuffing thousands of demons into his mouth and smiting them with his manly Donkey Teeth. When the uprising was put down, Donkey returned to roam the earth, but damned if he didn’t have some wicked-ass gas pains. He tried Gas-X, Beano, Club Soda – nothing helped.
Soon he lay down in a green pasture, bloated and irritable. Finally, Donkey “relieved” himself of his troubles, and took the most massive dump ever recorded.
Mount Everest, thought by biblical scholars to be the site of Donkey’s stunning evacuation
And Lo did Donkey rejoice. But soon he lamented, for from this Gigantic Mound began to spring forth hundreds and hundreds of bipedal creatures which we call man and woman, each inhabited by the soul of one of the demons that Donkey had slew and devoured.
And God was an Angry God, and smote Donkey, and sent him off into the mountains to live with the bears and write inane blogs and eat Fiery Cheetos. And Man, Man soon swarmed the earth, buying J-Lo albums and watching endless reruns of Everyone Loves Raymond.
Now go Forth and Spread the word, announce the coming of Donkeyism!!
