2006 April | Pointless Banter

Archive for April, 2006

Attack of the Fall Out Boy Fans

Published by Kevin on April 29, 2006 in Hate Mail. 3 Comments

I will never make fun of Fall Out Boy again… The hate mail is rolling in… The problem is that it is in some weird language. Can somebody please translate this for me? Is this Dutch? Is this a poem? I don’t get it.

regaurding yuor fall out boy sucks blog
and how you said pete wentz
shouldn’t even be big
becasue hes not the singer
well he does back up vocals
and he snag in his last band
and his voice is much better then patricks
and pete also can sream like none canso i think
you need to shut
your mouth unless
you know what the
hell your talking bout
becasue you thnk you have
done your resarch
but you haven’t
there an amazing band
with a long story
and im sure that
you would’t like it
if you were in a band
and you were the foucs[which would never happen]
and everyone thought
he sucks
and has no tanelt at al.

so stfu.

I tried to run it through microsoft word but my computer spontaneously combusted. I will update this throughout the day as evidence that the “No Child Left Behind Act” is a serious failure. I think this sums it up:

pulp fiction

At least Harry Potter fans are literate. Now back to the NFL Draft and writing about “Do the Right Thing”… I have watched more Spike Lee movies for my anthro class than I care to share.

CORRECTION- She is Canadian not American… What the fuck do they teach up there? Bean I am looking at you.

UPDATE 1: We exchanged messages…

Me: Please learn the english language then come back and talk to me.

Her: how bout you just stfu

Me: Clever don’t you have chores to go do or a mall to go hang out at?

Her: how bout i have to go to work
cause im not a lazy retard like you

Granted she won right there…. Well have fun at work…

tim hortons

“Welcome to Tim Hortons, eh”

Other Crap Like This:

Are Sex in the City fans dumber than Fall Out Boy Fans?

The Enemies List

Fall Out Boy Sucks

This has been bugging me all night

How I set back race relations ten years in one class

Fall Out Boy Sucks

Published by Kevin on April 28, 2006 in Music. 0 Comments

I was reading Rolling Stone on the crapper the other day and they mentioned something about the new Fall Out Boy video. “…inspired by The Lost Boys, Kung Fu Hustle and the classic sci-fi novel I am Legend” was the phrase that kind of peaked my interest.

I have heard of Fall Out Boy, I know they are big on MTV, thus they are huge with teenage girls, therefore must suck. Plus I know that they have a cute bassist according to various message boards, this is Pete Wentz.

pete wentz

Now Pete doesn’t sing. He plays bass. I have never heard of a band before that has the bass player that doesn’t even sing as the main face of the band. I always thought the bass player was usually the least talented guy musically or maybe the little brother that wanted to join a band. Knowing that he was the face of the band and isn’t even the lead singer or some guitar god totally discredited them before I heard anything.

To say I have ever listened to any of their music would be a lie. But I figured this video would be my first exposure So here is the video for the good people that haven’t seen it… Plus this video is supposed to be epic so I had to watch.

Here is the video:

[video]http://youtube.com/watch?v=ml-x1QcoF_k[/video]

Lets begin the review: (Due to the fact it didn’t have a timer on it I had to go by the even that is happening on the screen at the time it goes in chronological order.)

Fall Out Boy Presents- Oh I am sitting on the edge of my seat already comic book writing… This is going to be high end. (see I can be positive)

A Little Less Sixteen Candles- If I was John Hughes I would sue them and urinate on their dead bodies. The sad thing is most of Fall Out Boys fans don’t even know about this movie.

16 candles

Dude and a chick are about to make out- OH NO Vampire cock blocking. Is there anything worse? Sucked off is going to have a whole new meaning shortly.

Attacking Vampires- Apparently hot blonde vampires prefer to hunt their prey in mini skirts and slut boots

Semper Fi- Thank god the marines are here to save the day. Oh what? It’s an emo tool wearing a marines uniform? This is going on the pamphlet for sure to hand out at colleges and high schools.
fall out boy

Uh Oh Gun Trouble- But thank god Pete is there to save the day… He offers up a very intense line notifying us that they are vampire hunters then does the gayest leap off of the cliff ever. It was worse than watching Leonardo DiCaprio play basketball in “The Basketball Diaries”.

basketball diaries

GRATITIOUS PRODUCT PLACEMENT- V-cast cell phone.

Case number- Ah so here we get the back story… Our vampire friend drinks a cocktail and is obsessed with getting revenge on the people who turned him. I liked this better when it was called “Blade”.

Wake up Vampire- ITS TIME TO ROCK! Wait, is he sleeping in a locker?

Did we need the shot of the puppy licking his face? Give me a fucking break.

No wonder why he is the face of the band the lead singer has a beer gut and shitty side burns. Oh sorry back to the video.

Montage mixed with the singing The vampire guy is angst filled, the drummer has ninja skills and the lead singer smashed something. I feel like I know these guys.

Oh its Pete the Vampire’s first kill flashback…. It kind of looks like a circle jerk. Oh he cant do it, he let the girl go… It’s an all out brawl. He’s such a billy badass.

Back to the music and his vampire bass skills are rocking the house! The only way to make his bass playing interesting is to walk on the walls.

Token black vampires… Way to go guys, you don’t want to alienate the hip hop fans on MTV. The latest 50 Cent video is up next… Nice way to plant the seed.

Note: Black gangsta vampires and white punk vampires don’t get along Just for future reference.

Wait now there is a third vampire gang that wants to fight the vampire hunters… Oh my… It’s going to get nasty its going to be “A Beat It” like dance fight? WTF?

fall out boy

The lead singer aka head vampire hunter is getting bitten- I’ts the only time girls are going to be surrounding him with that punk bitch bassist in the band. Wait, Mick Mars gets laid who am I kidding? See once again a woman is sucking a mans will to live I think there is a hidden message here.

mick mars

So its all out vampire carnage… He is fighting a vampire that makes sparks with his hands. Since when is sparks a threatening thing for vampires? Seriously because if it worked don’t you think people would be stocking up on those lame sparklers from the fourth of July in every vampire movie ever… It’s easier to get than holy water.

He is going to take out the head vampire and…. and…. The cops come? The undead can toss each other through walls and do these amazing kicks and flips yet cant take out four members of the LAPD?

Mark Furhman

Oh wait the cops are in with the head vampire, they are vampires… It was all a ruse to take down the vampire hunters… It all ends on such a down note… Enjoy getting raped in vampire prison Pete.

So in summation Fall Out Boy sucks… I wish I didn’t watch it 7 times in order to write this shitty blog. I should have just written about bukake and anal fisting like I usually do… Enjoy your weekend everyone

Other Crap Like This:

Are Sex in the City fans dumber than Fall Out Boy Fans?

Attack of the Fall Out Boy Fans

This has been bugging me all night

Seventeen Magazine’s Questions Answered

How to make a successful viral video

Baio… Man, Myth, Legend

Published by Kevin on April 27, 2006 in Scott Baio. 3 Comments

My straight up man love for Scott Baio is on record numerous times over. (This would be the blog I would recommend reading to understand the power of Baio.) I always thought that he waited by a bus stop in Hollywood for girls moving to LA to make it big, picking out the hot ones and banging them.

Now I know he isn’t even that devious. He just has the best game on the planet. This was sent to me by Carlene, who I now love:

http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/hotgossip5

In other lothario news, Scott Baio is sharing the secret to his head-scratching success with the opposite sex, and surprisingly enough the pick-up lines, “Wanna see why Joanie really loved Chachi?” and, “Charles wants to be in charge of your days and nights” didn’t make the cut.

“Just be completely upfront. Just say something like, ‘Hello, I like you and I wanna make out,’ without sounding like a complete [bleep],” the former child star-turned-Playboy mansion staple says in an advice column for Stuff magazine (via the New York Post).

Baio, whose exes include Pam Anderson and Heather Locklear, also urges men to be thrifty when it comes to wooing by cutting their losses quickly: “Be direct, because otherwise you could end up blowing $100 on drinks. If she says no, then it’s, ‘OK, nice meeting you, goodbye.’”

Concludes the oh-so-romantic former Fonzie foil, “The key for me is that I have no ego. I just didn’t care. This is not the last woman on the planet. If she’s not into it, who gives a [bleep]?”
_____________________________________________

He just doesnt care and he is freaking Scott Baio How great is that?

Now I have picked up many a girl in my lifetime usually by giving away free candy but this this is genius. I cant wait to go out this weekend and say the following to the ladies, “Hey I don’t know you but I like you, wanna make out?”

It surely beats out my line that I usually use here is how it goes:

Me: Are you good at math?

Female: I’m okay at it.

Me: Well I have a problem for you. Let’s add you and I, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply.

My way doesn’t always work but Baio’s way I don’t know how I wouldn’t get laid. Even better will be when we order a drink together and she says that she isn’t interested in me, so I send it back. That will win me quality points right there. Why get the girl drunk and see if her inner slut comes out? Just be direct and see if she is a slut right off of the bat.

Mr. Baio I applaud your efforts… Your teachings are not lost and should serve as a role model for men everywhere.

For you doubters out there just remember one thing:

jodie foster scott baio

Scott Baio, the last cock Jodie Foster ever ate. It was so good she had to switch teams.

Tomorrow: My review of the new Fall Out Boy video… A second by second breakdown of my descent into madness

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I am so happy that I am crying right now

People that Scare Me

Published by Kevin on April 24, 2006 in Things I Think About. 4 Comments

I am one tough son of a bitch… I eat nails and break them down into thumbtacks before I shit them out, that is how tough I am. I’m so tough that I am man enough to fuck Bea Arthur. But even a tough guy has some weak points. In fact there are some people or groups of people that strike unmitigated fear into my heart. These are all people that I would never want to come face to face with in a back alley.

Dame Judy Dench

Why she scares me: She always has a pissed off and stern look on her face. I always feel like she is going to give me a lecture when she comes on screen about something that I did that nobody knows about. “The Chronicles of Riddick” was on the other night and I thought she was going to rip me a new asshole about the one time I hid peas in the centerpiece of our dinner table because I didn’t want to eat them. What a bitch.

Germans
germans

Why they scare me: They’re weird.

Nuns
nuns

Why they scare me:

a) They have the unimpeded ability to kick the crap out of students with the backing of god.
b) They make me feel guilty. I used to work at a computer company handling high end accounts with businesses. One of the accounts was a convent that had high end computing needs. Every time I deal with them I sold them everything crazy cheap, even though the Catholic Church has more money than a Vegas Casino. I really think it was out of fear.

My Sister
devil

Why she scares me: My sister and have never gotten along. It is safe to say after her 26 years on earth we have had a deep seeded hatred for 23 of them. The reason why I fear her is one simple fact… She is indestructible.

When we were little we fought. We fought some more. And we fought a little bit more. My friends still refer to our fights as “legendary”. My sister has a level of psycho angry that has never been seen. She gets so angry that nothing phases her. I have hit her in the head at close range with a golf ball, a hockey puck and random action figures. None have ever drawn blood or left a mark.

The golf ball legitimately went 20-30 feet up in the air after hitting her head. I had four friends that witnessed the event. Yet she continued to try to attack me. No concussion, no black out and yet all the rage. If the army could find a way to clone her they would have the ultimate super solider, of course it would be the most mentally and emotionally unstable solider. Let’s move on.

Black Women
lnw
nina

Why they scare me: I grew up in a lilywhite school district. There was one girl in my graduating class that was African American, her name was Mandy. Mandy was in the top five of our graduating class, she was smart as hell and sassy. One day we got into a heated argument in class where it ended with her destroying me so bad verbally that I felt like I should curl up into the fetal position and piss myself. At that point I learned that black girls have a bitch meter of 15 while ever other girl has a bitch meter of 10. I figured I might be wrong though and then I got to college at the University of Albany.

My sophomore year I was the only white male on my floor. My suitemates were all different races but mostly they dated black girls. The fights that they had with their girlfriends were just amazing. I have never seen men eviscerated like that before… They were just lumps on the ground after they got done with them.

At that point I knew that there is no way that I could win an argument with black girl. Last week Nina asked me to send her pictures of me with a traffic cone shoved up my ass, just to avoid a fight I complied.

That weird looking guy from the Black Eyed Peas

Why he scares me: If I had to envision what death looks like it would be this guy. He scares the ever living shit out of me.

I was driving down the road by Lucky Strikes in LA and he was walking down the street with a girl in tow. I almost ran my car off of the road. Not because I saw someone famous but I thought the end was upon me.

He looks like a demon… In fact I am positive that the only reason why this band is popular is because he is boys with Satan… It can’t be for their music, Fergie isn’t that hot and their lyrics aren’t emotionally touching.

But I guess when you have the grim reaper in your group the skies the limit.
bill and ted

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Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

Published by Kevin on April 24, 2006 in Parade Magazine. 0 Comments

(Note: There is a debate that will happen at the end of this blog. So if you lose interest or something at least skip to the end and discuss the ultimate debate that I am having with Trista.)

As per usual, on Monday mornings, this is where I take the questions from “Parade Magazine”, which you can find in your Sunday paper, and answer the dumb ass questions that are asked in there every week. However this week there is a little twist. I would like to announce my long standing, albeit rather one sided, feud with Paris Hilton has come to an end. To show that everything is now Kosher with us she has agreed to come in and answer these questions with me. We are currently in talks to do a movie together titled, “It’s true what every tourist says about Paris: It smells horrible” it’s just a working title I am sure the studio will come up with something a little catchier.

Q. I heard that Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend have broken up. True or false?
Deidre McCormick, Boston, Mass.

A. Paris- OMG! Did you see her in “Monsters Inc”? She got all like fat and stuff. I’d fuck Stuart.

Kevin- Uh.. I think you mean the movie “Monster”.

Paris- There are monsters at the movies?

Kevin- We can talk about this later Paris. Deidre it is false, he wasn’t at the academy awards with her because he was filming a movie. They are very much still a couple.

Q. I understand Stephen Baldwin is trying to shut down porn shops. Can you explain his crusade?
Tom Jones, South Plainfield, N.J.

A. Paris- Like “Biodome” is my favorite movie EVER! But closing down porn shops…I don’t kick the cock out his mouth when he is at work. Remember to buy “One Night in Paris” now out with special directors commentary.

Kevin- Wow there is a lot to cover on both the question and your response here. The fact that a Baldwin brother is trying to be taken seriously is rather frightening to me. I guess we should listen to him though, when you star in such groundbreaking movies such as “Threesome” you hold a certain weight in the community.

As far as the directors commentary, I thought it was something that you guys set up and tapped are you saying it was staged?

Paris- Doesn’t everyone have a professional camera crew around them?

Q. As I recall, Diahann Carroll divorced singer Vic Damone a decade ago. Has she ever remarried?
Jeff Fowler, Syracuse, N.Y.

A. Kevin- I got this one Paris. I don’t really know what happened to Vic but I know what happened to his brother Mike.

damone

Q. I was surprised to see Tiger Woods playing in a blue-and-white striped golf shirt. Isnt his lucky color red?
Wally Green, La Quinta, Calif.

A. Paris- OMG! A black guy wearing red, is he in a gang or something?

Kevin- No Paris, red is his lucky color which he traditionally wears on the final day of the tournament. In the rest of the rounds of the tournament he wears various other shirt colors, otherwise Nike would be pretty damn pissed if all they could market is red golf shirts.

Paris- Did you see when he dyed his hair yellow? Do you think the carpet matched the drapes?

Kevin- I prefer not to think about it.

Q. A recent TV special on the late Roy Orbison known for hits like Oh, Pretty Woman and Cryingshowed him wearing a pendant that resembled a Nazi swastika. Was he an anti-Semite?
N. Goldberger, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

A. Paris- Like wtf? Mr. Goldberger in Florida why would you care if he was an anti-Semite or not? What he does in the bedroom should stay there!

Kevin- Uh…um… Just to clear this up Roy Orbison was wearing a pendant that was a Cross Alisee Patte, it is not a swastika. There is a rather large difference between the two.

Q. Gillian Anderson was brilliant in PBS’s Bleak House. Why hasn’t she become as big a star as, say, Felicity Huffman?
Bud Buell, Palm Springs, Calif.

A. Kevin- Since I am just a dork that writes a blog on myspace I dont feel really qualified to answer this question. Paris do you want to handle this?

Paris- This is what I did. First make sure your family has a TON of money. Drop out of high school and go to every party possible in the following three cities: New York, Miami, and Los Angeles. Get a reputation as being the ultimate party girl. Also make sure you put out A LOT. If you do this for about four years you will turn yourself into a brand name and be placed in tv shows, movies, books, magazines and possibly record an album. While some people see appearing in those things as taking talent really you are just being placed in them like a pepsi can is for product placement. If things sag a little secretly release a porno to salvage your fame.

Kevin- I hope everyone took notes.

The Debate:

I proclaimed last night in a discussion with Trista aka the Happy Commuter that Holes album “Live Through This” was one of the best ten alternative rock albums of the 1990s.

I despise Courtney Love and I firmly believe that the album was heavily impacted by her relationship with Kurt Cobain But you can’t deny the quality of the album based on those two factors. When looking at the other classic alternative albums from the 90s I came up with a list of albums that would make any top ten probably:

Nevermind- Nirvana (although I swear it was released in 89)
Ten- Pearl Jam
Slanted and Enchanted- Pavement
Soundgarden- Superunknown
Ritual De Lo Habitual- Janes Addiction
Rid of Me- PJ Harvey
Rage Against the Machine-Rage Against the Machine
OK Computer- Radiohead

After that a debate can be made for numerous albums but I dont think any of these blow away Live Through This

Weezer-Weezer
The Downward Spiral- Nine Inch Nails
Siamese Dream- Smashing Pumpkins
Core- STP
The Breeders
The Pixies
Sublime- Sublime
Exile in Guyville- Liz Phair

Do I have an argument here? What am I forgetting?

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Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

My Visit to Toys R Us

Published by Kevin on April 20, 2006 in My Life. 1 Comment

Before I go onto my adventure at Toys R Us I have been asked to print a retraction. My friend Michelle of The Great Milk Experiment fame felt that I went too far by calling the smell of her breast milk rank. Michelle didn’t want me to sully the name of her breast milk so I am retracting the statement. Apparently she plans on launching a special ice cream flavor at 31 Flavors and they feel this would negatively impact business. So for the record Michelle’s breast milk is not rank. Also I would like to correct my blog saying that Bring it On is the best movie ever, it was actually Ishtar. Now onto the blog.

Yesterday was my nephew’s 4th birthday, so my duty as an uncle was to get him a gift. I went to Toy R Us to purchase said gift. This was my first trip to the store in about 14 years and things have changed dramatically there.

The first thing that I noticed when arriving at Toys R Us is the rather confusing floor plan of the store. Nothing was really in aisle format; the shelving had twists and turns. It wasn’t very easy to follow. Now I know people are saying, “Kevin you might have a mild case of down syndrome if you can’t make your way around a retail store.”

But I shit you not this was the hardest place to navigate. I have driven cross country, I have driven in NYC, Boston, Philly, SF, LA, and pretty much up and down the east coast. I didn’t have as much trouble navigating any of those places as much as I did Toys R Us. To show that I am not exaggerating I made a copy of the floor plan:
maze

Crop circles are less complicated than this place.

While wandering around I noticed some of the new fangled things that are out there for kids these days. One of them was a talking book like thing. Basically you put an overlay onto a tablet type of thing and it reads the book to the child. At first I thought it was pretty damn neat. Then I thought about it a little and figured that this was one of the laziest inventions ever created. Basically it helps parents that are too lazy to read to their kids and kids that are too lazy to pick up a book and learn the alphabet the old fashioned way. It’s the equivalent of a wife handing her husband the vacuum cleaner every time he wants a blowjob. Sure it may work but in the long run is anyone really coming out ahead? (there actually is no correlation between the two I just wanted to see how that looked in print)

The other thing I noticed is how crazy expensive Thomas the Train toys are. I only have heard of Thomas the Train vaguely. I know what it is but I couldn’t tell you anything other then it is about a Train named Thomas. But whoever created Thomas the Train and owns his licensing has to be laughing at every parent out there. I was in the Thomas the Train section and there was nothing under the price of twenty five bucks. There was a train engine that goes with the wooden track set… It was a glorified matchbox car… twenty five bucks… This got me thinking I need to come up with a kids toy… Here is what I came up with:

Frankie the Feltching Fox … We’ll make his golden straw sell for at least thirty dollars… It maybe rough around the edges but I think it has potential. He could have friends like Bukake Bunny, Punch the Donkey and various other little critter buddies.

Sorry back to the Toys R Us thing. I ended up having to hire a sherpa to find where the Tonka Trucks are located. Apparently though Toys R Us does not carry Tonka trucks, which I don’t get, where did Tonka trucks go? Do they still make them? My parents were getting my nephew a sandbox and I figured every kid needs a Tonka Truck for their sandbox. The only trucks I was able to find are some generic ones and a lil tikes one. Now this puts me in a weird position. At what age are kids too old to play with lil tikes stuff? Is there a social stigma attached to a kid that brings lil tikes toys to nursery school? Will he get picked on for playing with what could be perceived as a baby’s toy? The pressure was really mounting on me.

I didn’t want to be the guy that bought that gift that would get the shit kicked out of him. I decided to shift my focus onto other toys. Now I was stuck at trying to remember what he had and what he didn’t… I was starting to get freaked out. I am officially the cool… ok well the only uncle and I need to get a solid gift. So after sitting in Toys R Us deliberating for a few minutes I decided to do what I should have done in the first place. Go to Wal-mart and buy him an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock.

christmas story