The Great Cornnut Experiment

What the hell are cornnuts?

A year ago I wrote a blog about cornnuts and I didn’t understand how anyone on the face of the earth could eat them. I always promised that I would do an experiment with cornnuts and write a blog about it. Finally I had the time to conduct the most prolific scientific experiment of all time.

My theory: That cornnuts are neither corn nor nuts… So they must be something created in a lab or by aliens….

My lovely assistant for this experiment is one of my best friends Michelle. Michelle and I have known each other since we were kids. Since Michelle has a baby she has tons of free time to do stupid shit like this. Plus I bribed her. I asked her for a revealing picture that showed off her new mom milk factories but she not so respectfully declined.

Quick fun fact about Michelle: She was the first girl that I ever knew that gave a guy a handjob. In the eighth grade she gave Brian Cleary said handjob and came to school the next day asking me and a few friends if “it wiggled” like that all the time? Sorry guys she is married.
Michelle’s retort: Kevin dated a girl that always had a green booger in her nose all throughout high school, plus she was dating an older girl behind his back the entire time.

Thanks Michelle. Ah… this could go on all day… Onto the experiment, before I lose what little credibility I have left.

The product:

Cornnuts, ranch flavor, shocker I think the only flavors of anything that they have of in California are Ranch and Avocado. Where the hell is the barbeque flavored cornnuts? This state finds new ways to piss me off daily.

The tester:

Me, I of course took all necessary precautions. I made sure to protect my hands against the dreaded cornnuts film, I didn’t want to smell ranch flavor every time I picked my nose for the next month. Also to protect my nuts I figured this cute little apron would work, and after the bra shot from yesterday’s blog I figured why not emasculate myself a little bit more for the sake of comedy.

Test one: Is it a nut?

Michelle brought something else to the table that was rather important, a child with nut allergies. In the name of science we figured that we can sacrifice her child. It’s easy to make another one right? So we left the subject alone with some cornnuts to see if she would have a reaction.

Result: Subject lived thus cornnuts are not a nut.

Test two: The Popcorn test

We figured if heated up the cornnuts and if they were truly corn that they would turn into popcorn. So we threw them on a skillet.

Interesting fact about cornnuts when heated they turn into flaming projectiles, Michelle being a mother ran to protect her child while I was left to turn off the stove. I was hit by a flaming cornnut.

Due to the fact I wasn’t wearing any safety goggles I almost lost an eye… After going to the emergency room to get checked out we agreed that this test was inconclusive and too dangerous to repeat. We had to figure out if it was corn another way.

Result: Inconclusive

Test three: What other way can we prove if it is corn?

After brainstorming a bit we figure the only other way to determine if it was corn was to see if it showed up where ingested corn always eventually shows up…. in my crap. So I had to eat some of the cornnuts. After ingesting the cornnuts we watched HBO’s “Big Love” so I could make fun on Chole Sevingey and make about 200 Vincent Gallo “Brown Bunny” jokes. At the conclusion of the show it was time to see how test three would um, for lack of a better term, come out.

Being the classy guy that I am I had some good bathroom reading material, it wasn’t easy and it was a lot of work but I pushed through something that was the size of Michelle’s child’s arm. After examining the bowel movement:

We determined there was no corn.

Test three: No cornnut in feces, thus not corn.

After all that is said and done we firmly believe that we have no freaking clue what the hell cornnuts are.

What is your theory?