Parade Magazine Questions Answered

(The gimmick: answer the questions that come out of Parade Magazine which comes with your Sunday paper. They are dumb, annoying, and need to be answered by me because I am too lazy to think of a blog on Monday mornings.)

Q. You wrote: “In Hollywood, it’s fashionable to adopt infants from the Third World.” As the adoptive mother of a beautiful Chinese girl, I believe you owe me an apology.
Diane Laur (no city given)

A. You Diane screw you, do you live in Hollywood? When the response was written we were talking about celebs that do this for publicity. Not your infertile ass.

Wait a second, she was writing to Parade not me. Damn, I am a little defensive after this weekend. Eh, let’s move on.

Q. How did Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN’s medical correspondent, come to be a neurosurgeon?
Wally Langbehn, Spokane, Wash.

A. He went to college then medical school. Pretty simple huh? I have no idea what else you would be looking for with that question.

Q. What are the Bush twins up to now? Do they ever do anything other than partying?
M. Long, Morristown, Tenn.

A. Posing in Maxim:

Actually because I am a HUGE myspace celebrity I do coke off their asses on the weekend. Their dad gets his hands on the best shit.

Q. Whatever happened to Mohammed Farah Aidid, the Somali warlord who was the target of the U.S. military operation in 1993 that became the basis of Black Hawk Down?
Bob Machacek, Crete, Neb.

A. Holy shit a where are they now question with a different spin to it. I am going to answer this in Parade’s typical style for the where are they now questions:

Mohammed, 54, retired from his days of warlording tends to his rose garden on a daily basis. “I still believe we should kill all infidels,” says Aidid in a candid interview. Mohammed is best known for raping, pillaging, and killing, his greatest work occurred when he kept his starving people from receiving international food relief.

Actually he is dead from bullet wounds inflicted by another warlord. But I thought it would be fun to take a stab at a Parade style answer.

Q. You chose Lindsay Lohan as one of the “five hottest actresses under 30.” But this girl is in trouble in so many ways: drugs, eating disorder, smoking, dad in jail. Don’t you think she’ll be in rehab sooner than becoming a major star?
Maryanne Christopher (no city given)

A. Wow so much to cover with this one. What I want to know is how does smoking or having a crazy father in jail put one into rehab? If that is a prerequisite I know of at least twenty people that should be in rehab. I am disappointed by the fact that they didn’t mention she in trouble for banging Wilmer Valderama, he has to have some sort of STD.

Lay of Lohan, I admittedly have a soft spot for her. Sadly though that might be going away soon, Lohan is after the part of Wonder Woman.

While Lohan admits that she’s currently looking for roles outside her current milieu of teen a kiddie films, she thinks playing Diana Prince would be too cool. “Wonder Woman would be cool. I’m trying to find roles right now that are different to anything I’ve done to show my abilities, to show that I have some sort of stretch in me.”

I am kind of pissed because I wanted Angela Lansbury to get the part:

That was a long way to go for that gag.

Q. I’m impressed by S. Epatha Merkerson on NBC’s Law & Order. What does the “S” stand for?
Fran T., Devon, Pa.

A. S stands for stupid fucking question.

I have two problems with this whole thing:

1) Who cares what the S stands for, or what the F stands for in F. Scott Fitzgerald, or the R in R Lee Emery? It’s not like it is some key to the free mason’s plot to take over the world.

2) Why do people leave just the initial?

I have read a lot of people that don’t like their first name just change it to an initial. (By read I mean made up in my own head.)

Why not go the full nine and just eliminate the name all together? I think it would be annoying to have to get checks made, to sign things, and have to explain to people all the time what the letter stood for. To me it just sound like too much of a hassle.

“No there is an R before Lee in my name, R like the letter. Yes, why? Because.”

Then you have to launch into the explanation every time I just would find that annoying Because I am lazy.

Tomorrows Blog: Since I was told I was a “myspace celebrity”, which was one of the dumbest things that have ever been said.. wait let’s talk about dumb things that have been said. Here are some other stupid things that have been uttered in history:

1) Hmmm, “The Crying Game” is supposed to be good let’s go see that. My girlfriend years ago

2) That Hitler doesn’t seem like a bad guy. A few million Germans

3) Let’s attack Russia- Hitler a few years after the few million Germans opened there mouth.

4) Manhattan for some shiny shit? You have got yourself a deal!- Loosely translated from the Indians

5) (After getting a suppository from the pharmacy, and not having any idea what it is.) Man that is an awfully big pill to take. How the hell am I going to swallow that? Me 6 years ago

So back to my point, tomorrow’s blog is how I compare to other myspace celebrities:
Tila Tequila and Forbidden You know since I am so close to being like them.

Until tomorrow. Kevin vs. Tila Tequila vs. Forbidden.. three people enter one man leaves, the new Thunderdome.