( I taught my 3 year old nephew to scream, “NO WIRE HANGERS.” My mother thought that was inappropriate, what are your thoughts?)
“Any asshole with a digital camcorder apparently can make a movie.”
-Kevin Palmer aka Scott “Freaking” Baio March 23, 2006
“Any asshole with a computer and a blog thinks they are a writer.”
-Everyone who read the previous quote March 24, 2006
I enjoy movies a lot, I have Netflix and sometimes I run out of movies that I want to see. So I will go through the recently released list and pick a couple of movies that I have heard of or some that I haven’t heard of. A couple of weeks back I placed in my queue “My Date with Drew” a documentary about one guy trying to get a date with Drew Barrymore. There is no explanation for why I did this. In fact I went against every bone in my body by ordering it. You see:
1) I think Drew Barrymore is ugly. Please don’t post a picture saying how good looking she is because for every good picture there are 10 bad ones. Her head and jaw are shaped oddly and I can’t get by that.
2) She is a fucking moron. For the election this year she did a special for MTV about learning about the electoral process, in an interview she said, “Before I did this I didn’t even know what the Electoral College was.” When she said it she was trying to work this “I’m cute” voice. I wanted to yank her through the television and urinate on her. As an adult you shouldn’t be proud that you don’t know how your government works.
3) I listened to an interview with the guy from the movie on the radio driving home from Los Angeles one day. When I heard the interview I said to myself, “This guy sounds like a fucking moron, hell will freeze over before I subject myself to watching this garbage.”
Yet I got it from Netflix and I watched it… Why? Because there was nothing on television and I wanted to fall asleep. My trick to falling asleep is to watch a movie that I am not all that excited about seeing. If it sucks I fall asleep pretty quickly, if it is good it holds my attention and I stay up and watch it. So it is a win/win situation. At worst I get a nice long full night of sleep, at best I see a movie that was pretty good that I wasn’t expecting to be.
Sadly my plan backfired… I stayed awake for the entire thing and I was dumber because of it. I will sum up the movie for you in ten lines.
(Note: All nicknames in the preceding list refer to the â€˜star’ of the movie Brian Herzlinger. Also this is spoiler heavy but if you were really going to watch this movie well. I don’t know if you should ever read my blog again. )
1) Asshole is obsessed with Drew Barrymore his entire life.
2) Retard gets digital camcorder from Circuit City on friend’s credit card, which he will return in 30 days.
3) Douche bag uses his winnings from a pilot game show to fund his quest.
4) Dillhole then goes out and does all the typical self improvement bullshit to get date.
5) Fuckwad thinks that using the six degrees of separation theory that he can meet Drew Barrymore and win her over.
6) Ass munch annoys the piss out of numerous people while trying to get to Drew, he even gets turned down by Andy Dick to appear in the movie. Dick felt that he needed to lower his profile and not over expose himself. Yeah let that sink in. Corey Feldman and Eric Roberts though was surprisingly available.
7) Pipe smoker finally finds a way to meet Drew at the premiere of “Charlie Angel’s 2″ he gets into the after party and pussies out when he is within a foot of her.
Crack Sniffer then begins to see his dream fade, he blew his chances, they try and call in favors.
9) Anal Wart Eater decides to create a website towards the end of the month to drum up publicity; he gets a ton of radio spots and notoriety. Drew sees the site and asks to see what he has on tape.
10) Four months after he does all this he meets Drew for dinner in NYC, where she gives him a digital camcorder and he gives her a snoopy snow cone maker.
With every movie I have taken some lessons from it.
1) Evolution does exist because look at how hairy this son of a bitch is:
2) If you are annoying enough eventually you get your way
3) If this halfwit can pull this off… Any idiot can do it.
So I would like to announce my new project.
HELP KEVIN BANG KEIRA KNIGHTLY
My thought behind this is with the amount of readers I have someone knows someone that knows Keira. So it is up to you guys to make this happen. Now I can’t video tape my quest in getting a date with her because I am just not that motivated. But if I do get a date with her I promise to video tape any sex that we have, then shortly after my “housekeeper” will steal it and release it to an internet porn company. After that I will sue them and then settle out of court for millions of dollars, and approve the release of the tape which shows me ending the session with me giving Keira the shocker.
So let’s all band together to help my dream come true.