An Interview with LNW

So pointlessbanter.net wanted to do a little project with all of the bloggers from the site, an interview segment where one blogger would interview another. I drew Lilnavywife. But well since I run the site and I am way to busy and important to actually interview anyone I have used my show business contacts to bring in the big guns:

1) In your blog titled “The Vagina Clause” you said, “I can pitch a fit the equivalent of an adult tantrum in public with out fear of retribution. To take it one step further even if I’m dead wrong I can make it look like you are the asshole.” When was the last time you threw a tantrum in public?

LNW: Thank you for having me on the show. Although I’m neither an actor nor am I inside a studio. Has anyone actually graduated from your school? I mean are they famous, not outside a Greyhound bus station hummer famous? Okay to answer your question the last time I threw a tantrum happened at Taco Bell. Well it was very busy and some uppity pampered officer’s wife began to have kittens. Not literally but she was pitching a fit. She had a very large order to match the size of her ass. As most people know fast food places usually cook food not in the order that was received but shortest order first. So of course other’s food order came before her order. She was belligerent! Now when a person becomes irate in a fast food place the rest of us waiting suffer. I wasn’t going to let this slide. I politely interjected myself into this situation and tried to explain how the fast food service works. She yelled at me to mind my business. Oh okay granted to most people I look like a child I wasn’t going to be talked down like one. I’m a grown ass woman! The following was the things I said to her in no particular order:

1.) Poor timing and planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on their part. You decide to wait till quarter after 5pm to place an order for a gazillion soft tacos with out lettuce. Sorry you are going to be here for a while.
2.) You better adjust your tone. I don’t work here but I want to spit in your food.
3.) Maybe make a smaller order. I wouldn’t kill you. Hell if I was the diet police I’d arrest you for a parole violation.
4.) My kids have more patience than you. What you been in here a whole 5 minutes? Add impatient to the fat, stupid, and lazy list.

You want to know what she did after I said all of that. She hands me a card and tells me “Jesus saves.” She was like a pastor’s wife! She hands me a card for church like I was the one that need to go! Needless to say after she left people was coming up to me saying that I was right or they wish they could’ve said the things I did. People are spineless. They only get bold when they think they can win. I on the other hand just don’t give a fuck. I stopped caring a long time ago. If it’s wrong it’s fucking wrong speak up!

2) I remember one time reading one of your blogs after consensual sex with one of my students you compared Mormons to date rapists can you explain to me the difference?

LNW: To be honest there isn’t much of a difference. They both lull you into a false sense of security. Both try to make themselves sound more desirable than what they really are. They both wear dress shirts with the short sleeves. At least the date rapist buys you a drink first before he takes advantage of you.

3) My favorite line that you have every used was, “Then he went to sleep leaving me in a puddle which seemed to be made up of bodily fluids and regret.” How did you clean up said puddle, with a sock, towel, or t-shirt? And if you used a t-shirt how did you get the cum stains out?

LNW: Funny you should ask. In the past we’ve used everything from paper towels, toilet paper, hair, coffee filters, and all of the above mentioned. But in that instance we used a towel. I say Oxy-clean is my best friend. Sidenote a teaspoon a vinegar at to added to your washing machine works wonders. Add it to an empty load and your machine will thank you for it.

4) As a white male I have a question for you, because you and Dave Chappelle are the only African Americans I have talked to in the last year I feel like I can ask you this. Can you please explain to me why black people can’t say the word ‘ask’ properly?

LNW: Well years of breeding for the strongest work labor rendered the tongue and speech patterns of the now African American lazy. Words like ask now sounds like ax. Same can be said for street, straw and strawberry. It is now pronounced screet, scraw or scrawberry.

5) When you lost your umbrella was there any retribution from Navy Hubby?

LNW: Yes in fact there was. He punched me in the ovary for every hour I was late. So basically it was a punch for each ovary.

6) Your violent tendencies towards Japanese hobos is now stuff of legend, who else would you like to lay an ass whooping on and why?

LNW: Reality TV executive producers for perpetuating lazy programming. Scott Stapp for being himself. The Afflac Duck has it coming. More Japanese hobos. The “others” from Lost. J.Lo’s left ass cheek her right one is still cool in my book. Lars from Metalica. I would so like to kick Paris’s ass. I would hobo kick our Commander in Chief. The Egg Council is an ass kicking in the making. Michael Jackson should have an ass kicking session every hour on the hour. Britney Spears gets 2 for the price of 1 ass kicking for being her and for enabling K-Fed. The list goes on and on.

7) You have shared us the recipe for your muffins they have caused a riot in your home amongst your kids. Have you ever though about being the new age Betty Crocker?

LNW: Yes my muffins will turn small children into the criminally insane. New age Betty Crocker? I’d settle for Betty Crocker of myspace. I do make a very good raspberry jam and my homemade honey wheat bread would have you slapping your mother. It’s just that damn good.

You realize I am not wearing any underwear right now?

LNW: No I did not. Thanks for sharing James. Sometimes I let the monkey hang too.

9) Which is more true; once you go black you never go back, the darker the berry the sweeter the juice, or brown sugar why do you taste so good?

LNW: You know I’m of the Negroid persuasion and I’m still perplexed by this. If I had to pick I’d go with “the darker the berry” one. This reminds me of a time I went to visit my mother in Atlanta. We were at a Ruby Tuesday’s having lunch. This elder white man was sitting at a table adjacent to us. He leans over to my mother and says “I like my coffee like I like my women.” Without batting an eye my mother says “What? Black and bitter.” I love her. I personally would’ve used Eddie Izzard’s line ” with a spoon in them.”

10) Has navyhubby ever issued a code red on you?

LNW: Not yet. But I’m not counting my chickens before they’re hatched yet. But I have issued a code red on him. Let’s say my monthly came a little early.

And now onto the questions I ask all my guests.

11) What is your favorite word? Snotbox

12) What is your least favorite word? Nigga

13) What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Laughter

14) What turns you off? hobos

15) What is your favorite curse word? Ri-fuck-n-dick-u-lous

16) What sound or noise do you love? When I make the Navykids laugh.

17) What sound or noise do you hate? Styrofoam is kin to nails on a chalkboard to me.

18) What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Writer or Stand-up but only for fun.

19) What profession would you not like to do? Shit shoveler

20) If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? It’s your turn to sing Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive. Jesus loves your muffin recipe by the way.

So there you have it… An interview with Lilnavywife; mother, scholar, wife, and top blogger on myspace.