I am a comedy bigot

I was sitting in my room the other night watching some stand up comedy on Comedy Central. As per usual I would flip to something else when I thought someone was unfunny. After doing this for a few minutes I realized something… The only time I would change the channel is when a Hispanic comedian or a woman came on stage. It was at that second I figured out that I was a comedy bigot when it came to women and Hispanic comedians.I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t true. I mean I like Cheech and Chong and Greg Giraldo. Hell I love Sarah Silverman but I felt like I was the guy that is like, “I don’t hate black people, my neighbor is one and I get along with him.” Meanwhile he drops the N-word like 25 times a day and secretly writes Barry Bonds death threats. Basically I was trying to sell myself on the fact that I wasn’t a comedy racist.

But I have to face facts… When I see the following comedians I want to lodge a fork in my eye and listen to 50 babies scream in my ear:

NOT FUNNY

Margaret Cho

I know that I am going to alienate every gay person that reads my blog right now. But I’ve seen her stand up specials that are out on DVD and they were painfully unfunny, except for a line here or there. I hate the whole my mother is from another country gimmick and I will give you her reaction to something outrageous in a funny voice. It is not funny, it has never been funny, and after watching someone do it a billion times it totally kills it for me.

Paul Rodriquez … I mean George Lopez

I can’t tell either of them apart, well I can except for their comedy which is lame and unfunny.

Larry the Cable Guy

Yeah he’s not Hispanic or female but this guy makes me want to shoot my TV and I love my TV. This hack and Ann Coulter are the only two people on television that put me into a blind fit of rage. This was my,”I hate white people too pick.”

Carlos Mencia

Dave Chappelle you are not. I’ve caught his show like four times and each time I sit there and shake my head. I like humor dealing with race; Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, and Dave Chappelle all show when racial humor is done well that it can be funny. Mencia shows what happens when it isn’t done well.

Rita Rudner

I just don’t get it. I never have, I never will.

FUNNY

Now I don’t want to end on a down note, I am going to pick out some comedians that I enjoy. I know I am going to leave a lot of people out, I am only going with people that still do standup. So they have to be alive (sorry Mitch Hedberg) and still doing comedy (sorry Eddie Murphy). (Note: I was too lazy to put Lewis Black in.. I noticed it while posting but I felt like I should mention him.)

Zach Galifianakis

“I don’t mean to be gross, but the only time it’s ok to say, ‘I have diarrhea,’ is when you’re playing Scrabble……. because it’s worth a shitload of points.”

Eddie Izzard

(on Pol Pot)
“You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can’t even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: Get up in the morning, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Lunch, Death, Death, Death, Afternoon Tea, Death, Death, Death, Quick shower…”

Patton Oswalt

“Every time you eat a steak, a hippy’s hacky-sack goes into the sewer.”

Dane Cook

On Bathroom stalls-
“You know what I love the most? Someone always has to write on the wall ‘Mike Was Here.’ And then there’s an arrow pointing to it saying ‘Mike is a Faggot!’ Like Mike is coming back to see it and he’s like ‘What the hell!?! I was here but not as a FAGGOT! I’m trying to make a statement here!’ ”

George Carlin

“Undisputed Heavyweight Champion? Well, if it’s undisputed, what’s all the fighting about? To me, “undisputed” means we all agree. Here you have two men beating the shit out of one another over something they apparently agree on. Makes no sense.”

Who would you want on either list?