Parade Magazines Questions Answered

(Quick Note: Thanks for everyone that took the time to vote for the myspace top bloggers. I really appreciate people taking the time to vote, and for those of you who voted for me thank you. So for the new readers out there that don’t know this gimmick, I answer the questions from Parade Magazine every Monday. You know the crappy little magazine that appears in your Sunday paper? The questions to me are the dumbest collections of questions, and I lose faith in humanity every time I read them. But other then that it is fun to do.)

Q. I heard that John Travolta recently sang at a tribute to Olivia Newton-John. Is it true? Margaret Feax, Yucaipa, Calif.

A: I haven’t even answered a question yet and I already want to bash my head into the keyboard. The question should not be is it true? But is it worth even fucking talking about? I am going to go out on a limb here and say that he actually gave her a lap dance as well. Margaret please never write in again.

Q. Why didn’t Q’orianka Kilcher get an Oscar nod for her role in The New World? Kim Tucker, New Haven, Conn.

A: Can you pronounce her name? Neither can I. I don’t want to see Jack Nicholson up there butchering her name either. See what happens when parents are assholes and name their kids freaky ass names? Trendon wrote a great blog about celebrities that do this, click here. If you can’t name your kid a real name these are the things they miss out on in life, Oscar nominations and what not. Oh and the fact that they will get the shit kicked out of them daily in school is not a good thing either.

Speaking of naming kids weird things what is it with people naming their kids after cities? Are people that lazy that they open a map and close their eyes and point to a city? Not to point anyone out but I notice one race that does it a little bit more than other races Um, it was their special month last month we will leave it at that. I can just see this happening at a hospital:

“Shit I don’t know what to call them.” (Opens up atlas to a random page and points.) “Boise it is!”

Q. The recent Westminster Kennel Club show featured an unusual dog owned by Bill Cosby. What breed is it? Amanda L., Billings, Mont.

A:

Snoop dogg. The illest of the them all.

(Note: It was a lame joke but I have never been able to use the word ill in a blog before let alone illest so you will all have to deal with it.)

Q. I can’t relate to stars on raw, vegan or macrobiotic diets. Aren’t there any good, old-fashioned meat-eaters among them? Mike McK., Reno, Nev.

A: Wow Mike the eating habits of celebrities are really the deal breaker if you can relate to them or not. I guess the millions of dollars they have, the detached from reality lifestyles they lead, their annoying/uninformed political commentary and their general mentality wasn’t enough. It was their diet, huh?

I think this is the equivalent of someone getting wrongfully arrested by the police, beaten, plunger raped, tortured, threatened, verbally assaulted, fired from their job because they were arrested and when it is all said and done they say the thing that they are most pissed about is that they didn’t have skim milk in the jail’s mess hall.

Q. I was listening to The Way of the Master, a Christian radio show co-hosted by Kirk Cameron. Is he the same guy who played teen idol Mike on TV’s Growing Pains in the ’80s? Rachel Lane, Greenville, N.C.

A: For the people that never read it this is a good place to plug my blog about whatever happened to Richard Stabone.

There are so many ways to go with this question, first of all “The Way of the Master” sounds like a kung fu flick or a bad BDSM porn movie. But I think we need to take a look at the outcome of the lives of the kids from Growing Pains and see where they have ended up in life and let’s see whose career we would want:

Kirk Cameron-

Hardcore Christian, married a hot chick, has like 50 kids Stars in the “Left Behind” Series which tells us we are all going to hell if we aren’t Christian Thank god I am Catholic I get last rites which puts me onto the A-train to heaven. Of course I had to take a couple of shots in the mouths from priests growing up, but I was told it was part of the deal.

Jeremy Miller-

Promoting some movie called Milk and Fashion, according to IMDB.com he was mobbed in Shanghai when he went to promote it.

I just get nervous when I hear about Chinese mobs:

I couldn’t handle knowing that Ben Seaver got ran over by a tank.

Tracey Gold-

Get blasted, rolls her car with her husband and kids in it. The crash ended up giving her 7 year old son a broken clavicle, I smell a mother of the year award.

Ashley Johnson-

She is the only current child working in mainstream movies and media. She does a lot of voice over work and has a handful of small movies rolls.

So by process of elimination I would want Ashley’s career That Lilo & Stitch TV money has to be nice. Plus she is “Fast Food Nation” based on Eric Schlosser’s book which is pretty damn cool.

So which Seaver kid would you want to be?

My blog title tomorrow- I think I might be racist and sexist: my distaste for certain races and genders in the world of comedy.