Drunken Mistakes Vol 3

“How to turn down sex in the least tactful way known to man: The meanest thing I have ever said to anyone and my comeuppance.”

I should preface this to say that it might not have been the meanest thing I have ever said. I called a girl a cum dumpster once in an argument and I have dropped the C-word in public on a girl. Plus there was the whole bed wetter and gonzo story So it ranks in the top five.

So now we go back to the Albany Years. Let me set up the back story. I went to the University of Albany at New York for a few years. In my first year of school they ran out of housing with all the other freshman, so I got placed on state quad which was all greek. It led to the following living situation; the floor above me was a sorority, the floor I was on except for my suite was a sorority, and the floor below me was a sorority. In my suite resided the RA for the three floors, Eric. Now Eric was in grad school, he was a former football player (who could have played D-I football as a defensive lineman), but most importantly he was from where I was in NY State, so we bonded.

Eric wasn’t like other Resident Assistants, he smuggled in beer balls, he drank almost every night, and he didn’t care about his job. So we became friends rather fast. The upside to all of this was that he got me one of his friend’s ids so I never needed to “chalk” my license. It was such a good id that I would use it to buy beer anywhere and not even worry about using it, plus the guy gave me multiple forms of id to go with it. I was able to get into some bars that kids that would have to chalk their ids couldn’t, so I felt pretty damn cool.

The fall of my sophomore year we decided to go to a bar after class to get something to eat and get a seat to watch the World Series. Since the Yankees were in it the bars were going to be packed and we wanted to get a good seat. (Note: I hate the Yankees but I love drinking and going out, that is the only reason why I went to the bar early, I didn’t want to be crammed in standing with a bunch of asshole Yankees fans. I would rather have a booth and root quietly for a bus to hit Jeter.) We got to the Washington Tavern at around 5:30 and got a great table. It was Eric, myself, and our friend Feinstein, we sat down, ate dinner then proceeded to drink, a lot. This was during my jack and coke phase, I tried to run with Eric and Feinstein but their 5-6 years of hard drinking was nothing to my one and I didn’t have the same tolerance as them. I know I bought at least 5-6 rounds that night and we were rotating through so you do the math on that. Now you know why my liver hates me.

When the game got going the bar filled up rather quickly and since we had a booth we became popular with the ladies, a group of girls asked if they could sit with us and of course we obliged. At this point in the evening I can say that I was fairly drunk, I couldn’t even tell you what these girls looked like. But since Eric and Feinstein didn’t refuse they had to be decent. One of the girls sat next to me and we chatted a little bit while watching the game.

As the night progressed I got to the point where my body had enough, I fell asleep in the booth. Of course the bouncers came over to toss my ass out but with the sheer amount of money we had spent that night and the fact that Eric and Feinstein where still drinking they let it slide. I woke up from my nap about an hour later and the girl was still sitting next to me and her hand was on my thigh rubbing it.

That should have set off a warning alarm in my head. Any girl that sat there that long when I was asleep and still was touching me had to be either: ugly, desperate, or psycho. I started back up with the drinking, the game had ended, and the jukebox started playing. Eric’s girlfriend came into the bar to pull us out to drive us back to the dorms. First she flipped out because we were there with other girls in our booth. Then she was even more pissed because we were at a level of drunk that put us at the coordination and intelligence of a group home resident.

Now this is probably a good time to share this fact about me. When I am drunk and I whisper or think I am whispering I am usually yelling. I loose all ability to control my voice at a certain point of drinking. So I am sure this girl heard the upcoming conversation.

As we all stood up to leave and the girl that was sitting next to me pulled me towards her to tell me, “You don’t have to leave with them you can just go home with me.” I turned back towards Eric and said, “Eric she wants me to go home with her.”

Eric looks over my shoulder and looks at her, then he looks at me and shakes his head, “Buddy, you can do better. We need to get you out of here.” So I then proceeded to turn to the girl and say loud enough for the entire bar to hear, “No, I can’t go home with you, Eric says I’ve fucked better looking girls.” At that point Jen, Eric’s girlfriend grabbed my arm and started pulling me out of the bar as laughter and gasps of horror filled the room. We got out of the bar and Eric thought it was a good idea to put me on his shoulders and give me a piggy back ride. I got onto his shoulders We stumbled along for half a block until he decided to drop me on the roof of a Volvo. Which became a dented roof of a Volvo because of me plummeting onto the top of it, we scrambled off and made it home.

My comeuppance: So a week or two later I was out at the same bar playing some darts. I was pretty drunk yet again and this same girl was there. She came over and started talking to me towards the end of the night. I didn’t recognize her at all, and I started flirting with her and asked her if she wanted some company for the night. She laughed and said, “You don’t remember me at all do you asshole?” I told her no, she then chucked her drink at me covering the front of my shirt with cranberry and vodka. To add insult to injury she said, “No I think you better go home and fuck yourself.”

It was the only time in my life that I have ever had a drink thrown on me, and it was totally well deserved.

Moral of the story: Beer goggles are evil. And don’t be an asshole.

Have a happy and safe St. Patrick’s Day everyone.