Parade Magazines Questions Answered

(I just want to take a second to thank everyone that made it out our launch party in LA this weekend. Despite it being ridiculously cold for LA we still had a good turnout and it was a success. I really appreciate everyone that made the time and effort to come. It was great to meet people face to face. I will post a blog with pictures hopefully this week. Now onto this week’s questions.)

Q. Brokeback Mountain’s Ang Lee is the favorite to win an Oscar for Best Director. How did a Chinese person gain such an understanding of homosexual American cowboys?
Peter Jones, New York, N.Y.

A: You know I was going to lambaste this question for being one of the dumbest questions ever. But then I thought about it and decided to go with a measured response.

Peter, I know that it is amazing that a Chinese person has a grasp on American Gay Cowboys. I guess it is just as amazing as Stephen Speilberg understanding a secret Israeli hit squad, George Lucas understanding intergalactic civil war, or John Hughes understanding the thought pattern of all teenagers living in the state of Illinois during the 80’s even though he wasn’t a teenager.

Ah the magic of Hollywood. I mean these people must be geniuses for making movies about things they don’t directly experience. To think all those X-men movies where made by people without genetic mutations.

Q. Is anyone now living in Joe and Rose Kennedy’s former home in Hyannis Port?
Lynda Goldsmith, Mabelvale, Ark.

A: As a matter of fact yes, it was purchased by a couple that made their fortune in the laundry business:

When asked why they bought the famed Kennedy estate George replied, “Fish don’t fry in the kitchen; Beans don’t burn on the grill.”

I guess they decided they didn’t want a piece of the pie they wanted the whole freaking thing.

Q. I heard that Angelina Jolie has a tattoo on her baby bump. What does it say?
Millie J., Kahala, Hawaii

A: What the hell is a baby bump? I seriously have never heard that term. So I did some digging and found out what it was. Then I had to find out what it said, sadly though in is Latin, “quod me nutrit me destruit.” Due to the fact that I don’t speak Latin I had to enlist help. I visited UCLA and talked to the head of the Latin department the esteemed Mike Hunt. Mr. Hunt told me that this was a special regional dialect that is not commonly studied he guessed that it said, “Insert cock below.” But he wasn’t too sure. So he called up his colleague at Havard, Jack Mehoff. Mr. Mehoff was stumped and offered his best guess at what the tat on her baby bump said, “Home wrecking whore.” Finally he said that we should contact a professor emeritus at Oxford, Sir Adolph Olivernipples. He consulted various texts and even ran some computer analysis for us and decided that it said, “Two in the pink, one in the stink.” So there is your answer all the way from Oxford, England.

See you guys thing I just make shit up on the fly didn’t you?

Q. There was much hoopla when Joan Lunden and Cheryl Tiegs had twins in their 50s via surrogates. But didn’t Adrienne Barbeau of the ’70s sitcom Maude do it the old-fashioned way?
Ginny Hunter, Dallas, Tex.

A: I am going to reveal some personal information here. My parents had me while they were getting up in years. Here is a picture of my dad and little sister back when we were kids.

Not only was my mom changing her diapers but she was changing his as well. It sucked playing catch with him; he was constantly getting hit in the face with the ball because of his poor eye site. I think that was the reason why I sucked at little league baseball so much. However, the worst was when I started socializing with other kids in school. People would talk about their favorite recording artists and I told them Perry Cuomo did it for me. Needless to say I was made fun of for years. Oh plus being 16 and getting a drivers license to take your parents in for dialysis sucks balls.

So what I am saying is it isn’t all that impressive to have a child in your 50’s when you think about how it is really kind of ruining your unborn child’s future. You selfish old bastards.

Q. Did Howie Mandel, host of NBC’s Deal or No Deal, lose his hair from chemo?
Don & Nancy Pounds, Festus, Mo.

A: I touched on this show in a random thoughts column once. I have been waiting to write a full blog about if for awhile, but I haven’t had the chance. Just so you know NBC is laughing all the way to the bank on this one, the were totally shocked that American’s are dumb enough to like a game show that requires no thought what so ever. Due to the shows success they have announced the following Game Shows for next year:

“Guess Which Hand the Quarter is in?” The early reviews of the pilot said the show was simply riveting. Having to decide what hand the quarter is in One guess Just out of control. People also get to call a friend from around the country to get their input increasing the drama.

“I’m Thinking of a Number Between One and Ten”- Do you like the drama of final Jeopardy but think the questions are too hard? Now three people get to take a shot at guessing a number between one and ten, writing it down on a screen and letting the host Alex Trebeck slowly reveal the answers.

“Animal, Vegetable, Mineral”- For the intellectual set out there NBC is going to test your knowledge of Animals, Vegetables, and Minerals. Reports from the pilot taping said that you could cut the tension in the room with a knife when Judy Johnson from Cleveland had to figure out if a cucumber was a vegetable or mineral after she had used a lifeline to take animal out of the equation.

On paper these all sound lame but you have to see the flashy sets. It changes everything.