A New Religion

(I have started this blog three times. One was a rather serious piece about religion in general, one was more of discussion about the Rolling Stone article that I read on Scientology, and then there is this version which I figured was the best way to go.)

I have always said the three things not to talk about in a blog are religion, politics, and music. The reasons being that it never ends in a good way, there is always a huge ugly debate, people will leave mad, and I will offend subscribers. Today I am going to ignore my own rule and talk about religion. Well I shouldn’t say religion, I should say “religion” first let me just say this as a disclaimer. I respect the fact that people do or do not have faith in a higher power. You can believe whatever the hell you want for the most part and that is fine. I appreciate and respect that. I am not going to bash faith here. I am going to talk about something different. This is my one attempt to open your minds, hearts, and most importantly…. wallets.

Today though I am going to need you to put your belief structure on the shelf and read this with an open mind. Why you ask? Because I would like to take a second to convert you to my religion, not Christianity, not Judaism, not Buddhism, not Islam, nope it is the new religion of Kevinism. Now I don’t consider myself a god, far from it, but after reading into the Church of Scientology I figure what the fuck? They were granted tax exempt status by the IRS in 1993, and they are considered a religion. Plus they have property around the globe worth billions of dollars. So, if they can do it why can’t I?

Let’s compare Kevinism to Scientology:

The creator of the religion-

Scientology is based on the writings of L. Ron Hubbard who was a science fiction writer that wrote way too much. Kevinism is based on my works. I am long winded and write too much as well. So I guess we have some things in common. However I don’t wear an ascot which I think makes me a hell of a lot cooler.

Let’s see L. Ron pull this look off.

The cornerstones of the religion-

Unlike every other organized religion Scientology doesn’t have all of its teachings out and accessible to the public. You have to earn the teachings by achieving levels. To get started they sell you a starter kit for a hundred dollars, which includes his book ‘Dianetics’. Of course this is after your initial audit which costs you $50.

In keeping with this brilliant marketing strategy I can’t tell you the cornerstones of my religion either. We accept everyone and we can turn your life around. Of course to find out you will need to send me $25. (Shit dude, I am cheap, I need to start out somehow.) For that $25 you will get a pamphlet with the basis of my religion and this picture so you can frame it in your house, preferably above your dinner table or bed.

Progression through the religion-

Here is how it works in Scientology (from the March 9, 2006 issue of Rolling Stone):

“… her path to Scientology enlightenment, know as the Bridge to Total Freedom. There are specific stages, or “grades”, of the Bridge, and they key to progressing “upward” is auditing: hundreds, if not thousands, of sessions…Auditing is purchased in 12.5 hour block, known as “intensives.” Each intensive can cost anywhere from $750 for introductory sessions to between $8,000 to $9,000 for advanced sessions.”

Scientologists justify charging out the ass for this process by saying:

“We don’t have 2,000 years of acquired wealth to fall back.”

Damn well I mean they have been around since 1954, I have to catch up to their wealth. After all they can afford to build a fifty million dollar headquarters in Florida. But the auditing process seems like a pain in the ass. They can take hours, days, and even weeks; it doesn’t end until the auditor feels that you make a personal breakthrough. I guess it is kind of like the same tactics torturers use to extract information. Since I am starting this out of my home I really don’t have time spend with people like this.

So instead you guys can all call into a 900 number. You will have ten minutes to leave a message when those ten minutes are up you will hear my voice for twenty minutes telling you how to fix your life. Since I won’t know your specific problems I will speak in total and utter generalizations. I think I have enough generic quotes to last me a couple of years until I can employ people. These calls will all cost $3.99 a minute, if you do not complete the call, which lasts half an hour, you will have to call up again and listen to the whole thing. The calls will be a required event once every month, see a half an hour of your time beats those hours in church, or those days of getting audited.

Celebrities-

Scientology launched a program in 1955 titled “Project Celebrity.”

“..the aim of recruiting stars in the arts, sports, business and government- those dubbed “Prime Communicators”- who could help disseminate the message. As incentive, these celebrities were given free courses; those who did outstanding work could be “awarded” an OT level..”

Some of the celebrities that endorse Scientology are John Travolta, Chick Corena, Issac Hayes, Mimi Rogers, Kirstie Alley (apparently Scientology doesn’t have a good weight loss program), Anne Archer, Kelly Preston, Jenna Elfman, Juliette Lewis, Erika Christensen, Beck and of course Tom Cruise. This was Scientology’s way of free advertising, what a great marketing move. I need to get Kevinism some celebrities.

I figured since I am launching this religion on myspace I need to pull in some stars. I decided to go right to the top, but Tom was dealing with server issues. So next I went to Humble B. Wonderful, who has a pact with Satan, thus explaining her impeccable grammar. At this point I had to settle for these two stars:

Donkey Sosa and Farmer Vincent

“Before Kevinism came into my life, I was a shut-in suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, wasting my days away watching Family Ties reruns and stuffing my face with those little fruit pie thingies.

Now, thanks to Kevinism, I run my own TV Network and have a hotub filled with Vodka. Ohh, and my penis grew 3 inches too! Thanks Kevin!!!!”

“Before Kevin introduced me to Kevinism I was just a damned meth queen trying to stay alive on the mean streets of Main Street, USA in the Disneyland Park in beautiful Anaheim, California. Now I am doing lines of coke off of the tits of high priced call girls while sipping Dom Perignon in Sea World. That’s right everyone, SEA WORLD. Look at me now ma! TOP OF THE WORLD!”

If that doesn’t make you convert I don’t know what will….

How to battle the doubters

Well I know some people are not going to like Kevinism. So I need to find a way to combat the naysayers.

The scientologists did it this way:

“To attack his enemies, Hubbard issued a policy known as ‘Fair Game,’ which maintained that all who opposed Scientology could be ‘tricked, sued or lied to and destroyed.’”

In the 1970s they even went as far as bugging the Justice Department and stealing documents from the IRS. In fact South Park did a great episode about Scientology this year and Paramount, the shows parent company, was sued and has agreed never to air the episode again.

Since I don’t have the money to do this, I have decided to take things to a whole different level. I will get the addresses of people saying bad things about Kevinism, go to their homes, shit in a paper bag, set it on fire, and leave it on their front porch. Sure it might not shut them up but it will be a good time.

The Payoff-

As you progress up levels Scientology reveals more of their philosophy. One woman in the Rolling Stone Article I read paid over $250,000 to get to the level she is at. To me that is the perfect racket. So I guess I need to come up with something to tell people when they reach the top of Kevinism. To be honest I don’t have it figured out. If you want to pay me $250,000 I can whip something up until then I figure I should screw over the competition. Here is what you can learn about Scientology after decades of audits and hundreds of thousands of dollars. I am giving it to you for free:

“They assert that 75 million years ago, an evil galactic warlord named Xenu controlled seventy-six planets in this corner of the galaxy, each of which was severely overpopulated. To solve this problem, Xenu rounded up 13.5 trillion beings and then flew tem to Earth, where they were dumped into volcanoes around the globe and vaporized with bombs. This scattered their radioactive souls, or theatans, until hey were caught in electronic traps set up around the atmosphere and “implanted” with a number of false ideas- including the concepts of God, Christ, and organized religion. Scientologists later learn that many of these entities attached themselves to human beings, where they remain to this day, creating no just the root of all our emotional and physical problems but the root of all problems of the modern world.”

Now you know what you get from Scientology in the end, is it worth it?

I didn’t think so, Kevinism is for you. Leave a comment below and we can get you started onto the path of … of…um… depravity I guess.