Parade Magazine Questions Answered

(Well I am back from my little blog vacation, I got a ton done on the site, pointlessbanter.net. Things are looking good there. Our first podcast is up on that site which you should check out. Thanks to all my guest bloggers last week, I hope everyone enjoyed them!

Also for all of you in the LA area this Saturday we are having a launch party for the site. I sent invites out to a ton of people but I know I am missing a lot. Here is the link to some info about the party. You are all invited; bring your friends, neighbors, and enemies…

This is just kind of a quick run through with Parade to start things off this week. Tomorrow though… Greatest. Blog. Ever. It’s not even an exaggeration, I have been sitting on it for awhile, and it has been killing me not to post it.)

Q. Your item on the most admired body parts for females made me wonder: Who do male cosmetic surgery patients want to look like?
-Brian Henry, Indianapolis, Ind.

A: John Holmes cock…. And if it is anything else you might as well turn in your card as a heterosexual male. I still remember watching that MTV “Real Life” show with the guy that wanted to get calve muscle implants. Yeah he wanted to be a body builder or something but seriously who the fuck loooks at calve muscles? I have yet to hang out with a female that starts going into convulsions and starts ripping off her panties because I guy has nice calve muscles. Until that changes you are a fucking idiot for getting calve implants.

Q. Is there a reason why David Caruso tilts his head and talks hesitantly on [tag]CSI: Miami[/tag]?
-Jan L., Saginaw, Mich.

A:

How dare you question Caruso? Have you not seen his work in Jade? Actually he does it because the cue card guy is slightly retarded and he holds the cue cards crooked.

This might have been the dumbest question that has ever been printed.

Q. PARADE named China’s Hu Jintao as the sixth-worst dictator in the world. So why do we spend billions trading with his country?
-Bob Ballen, Urbana, Ohio

A: I didn’t talk about this issue of Parade which drove me nuts. The fact that Parade does not do one solid piece of journalism all year then has the balls to publish who they think are the worlds worst dictators is mind boggling to me. Of course they did it the only way Parade can, they gave little blurbs like you would on the back of a head shot.
It was like a resume:
-killed 100,000 people
-imprisoned 45,000 people
-de-flowers all women of the country
-eat kittens and puppies daily

You can’t do justice to these guys works with little blurbs like that, leave it to Parade to totally fuck that up.

I am going to move on to the dipshit that asked the question:

Bob … 1,260,000,000 put that number in your head for a little bit… Now I am going to ask you a question, what is that number?

1- the number of times I should kick you in the nuts for asking such a dumb ass question?
2- the number of times a day you think about hanging yourself because your life is that utterly pointless?
3- the total population of China?

Think it over real good Bob, one of the answers listed will answer your question. You know you can’t ignore the BIGGEST FUCKING MARKET ON THE EARTH.

Q. What was the song with “bird” in it that WWE wrestler Stacy Keibler danced to on Dancing With the Stars? And how long are her legs?
-Ira Westover, New York, N.Y.

A: I didn’t measure them last time they were around my head. Why do you care? Why does knowing how long her legs are matter? Were you sitting there watching the show and just had to know? WHY, WHY, WHY? I just don’t get it. It drives me nuts. Absolutely nuts….

I never look at Ethan Hawke and wonder how many millimeters his snaggle tooth sticks out from rest of his teeth. I never look at Wilford Brimley and wonder what his exact waist size is. I never look at David Hasselhoff and wonder how many hairs he has on his arm. So why in the name of god does it matter how long her legs are?

Q. Why is Jennifer Aniston in every gossip column? She isn’t the prettiest or best actress. Is her publicist working overtime?
-Bobby Cox, St. Louis, Mo.

A: Shouldn’t you be managing the Braves you lazy bastard? (Sorry a poor sports joke.) Wow way to pile on Jennifer you gotta figure her publicist didn’t send this one into Parade. Damn.

I am not going to even acknowledge the actual question I mean come, if you know that she is in every gossip column obliviously you should be to connect all the dots. Or do you not read the columns and just look at the pictures so you don’t know what is going on? Well since you don’t read Bobby I am going to help you out a little. This is what you should go do, remember to breath deeply and do this for about an hour, the results will help out rest of mankind.

Q. Is it true that the scars on Seal’s face came from a ritual scarification?
- Nate Roberts, Houston, Tex.

A:

Yes Nate because Seal is black and not from America he was automatically born in Africa where they had him pegged early on to be the head of his tribe. To prepare him for that they went through the ritual scarification process. Seal though never wanted that for himself, he always had fantasies of running off and joining with Sally Struthers to fight against hunger in Africa. You see Seal liked white women with huge asses; I know it’s an unheard of trend, a black male into a white female with a huge ass.

So Seal left with Sally Struthers and her crew. One night with Sally Struthers riding him like a rented mule Seal could not take her weight anymore and he let out a groan. The other people in the building heard that and commented how awesome of voice he had. Seal went off to record albums breaking Sally Struthers heart.

Actually he was born in Britain and battled discoid lupus. But I liked my answer better, and Nate you are a fucking idiot.

TOMORROW: The single greatest blog I have ever written.