Bert’s Riblet Goatee

Mrs. Donkey’s mom, my esteemed mother-in-law, used to have the most annoying boyfriend on the entire planet. Thankfully, they’re no longer together, but for approximately 8 years I had to laugh at this jackass’s lame jokes and pretend to find him as interesting as he obviously found himself.

This guy was balding and had the longest, most pronounced forehead I’ve ever seen. So for the purposes of this blog, we’ll call him:

Bert

One of the things that used to annoy me the most about this know-it-all, selfish prick were his eating habits. He was such a fuckin slob. And Bert’s trademark move, his coup de gras of table manners?? The “food on the side of the mouth” trick. Didn’t matter if this guy was stuffing down a steak dinner, eating a burger, or simply stuffing some cereal down his pipe, he would inevitably end up looking like this:

Only not black….or an infant…..OK, let’s try this again:

Only pretend that instead of hair, that’s a goatee made from chunks of Chile’s Babyback ribs and mashed potaters.

This douche did this every single meal, I swear to you my friends. And he would sit there with it hanging from his face the entire time!! Only when my mother-in-law would take pity on him and wipe the 5 pounds of food away would Bert have a clean face during his meal. You would think that once he realized he had a tendency to wear half of his food on his face, he would start wiping his mouth more often. But ole Bert was about as self-aware as a hefty bag filled with manure.

I got a million more Bert stories. This guy was Comedy Gold, so I guess he was good for something.

Anyone know anyone who has a problem with this? Or what are some other disgusting eating habits you’ve observed??