Parade Magazine Questions Answered
(A couple of announcements to make, I am going to go on blogging vacation this week. I am going to do this column and the questions and answer with Trista. I need a break to concentrate on school and to finish up work on the website pointlessbanter.net. But while I am away I am going to have “guest bloggers” write pieces throughout the week to fill my spot. It will be funny shit, I figured you still want some daily entertainment. Also I want to announce the pointlessbanter.net launch party at Crane’s Tavern in Hollywood on March 11th. I will be sending out invites to those who live in California, if you aren’t on my friends list and are interested add me. Now onto a bile filled Parade Magazine Questions Answered)
Q. I say that Princes William and Harry are the richest kids in England. My wife disagrees. Who’s right?
T. Miller, Simi Valley, Calif.
A: T. Miller Simi Valley That is only about half an hour away. Let me see how many Miller’s there are in Simi Valley. Hold on a second folks, I will be right back. There are six T. Millers in Simi Valley California and I have the address and phone numbers to all six. I am going to call them all up and ask the following question:
Is this T. Miller the person that asked the question in Parade Magazine this weekend?
If they say yes, I am going to read this pre-written speech that I will rehearse for the next four hours.
“Mr. Miller, I as a concerned American citizen, I have two quick points to make and I will let you get on with your day. My first point is, if you haven’t all ready, consider not breeding. If you do have children, please kill them. I know it sounds rather harsh, maybe even sick. But there is logic behind this good sir. I believe that due to years of inbreeding combined with heavy alcohol or drug abuse that you have depleted your gene pool. It scares me to know that you can or have bred. The reason why I can say this with confidence sir, well It is really my second point. YOU DO NOT REFER TO TWO GROWN MEN AS KIDS! Once you are in your twenties you are no longer referred to as a kid. Common sense, a simple education, and awareness of social norms should have taught you that. Your wife is therefore right and should be able to inherit whatever is left of your estate after I come over and torch the fucking place to the ground.”
Granted this might have been a tough one to look up on the net but at least categorize the person right. And the answer according to Parade (so take it with a grain of salt) is Daniel Radcliffe Once again another reason for a blogger to hate Harry Potter.
Q. On the Food Network’s popular Barefoot Contessa show, is Jeffrey really the husband of the host, Ina Garten?
T.J. Kreager, Bakersfield, Calif.
A: No they are acting. The Food Network has decided to “kick it up a notch” and start using actors, they figured that it can’t be any worse than the shit on network TV. I mean if Jenna Elfman gets a second chance for a shitty why shouldn’t the food network take a stab at comedy? Hell they probably could get an Emmy nomination for a situation comedy. Next month they are going to do a show about two lesbian cooks called Patty and Marcy. Marcy will refer to Patty as sir, it sounds like a winner to me.
Q. Lara Logan of CBS is one of TV’s best foreign correspondents as well as the most beautiful. What’s her background?
Jack Krueger, Eagle Point, Ore.
A:
Chicks in flack jackets give me a chubbie.
Q. Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise always seem to be traveling in different directions. Who’s looking after their kids?
Adolph B., Portsmouth, N.H.
A: First of all I don’t know if I trust anyone named Adolph asking a question. What the fuck where his parents thinking? Even if he was born before World War II wouldn’t you think he would want to change his name. Hitler ruined the name Adolph forever, as well as ruining that style of mustache, which I talked about before.
But it’s nice to see him care about Nicole and Tom’s kids. Actually if you aren’t familiar with the Church of Scientology they actually have people, well beings that raise their children for them:
Q. Is Jennifer Lopez still making movies?
Kate Larson, Washington, D.C.
A: Apparently Ms. Lopez’s publicist isn’t even trying anymore. When you send in a fake question at least dress it up a bit, I mean come on. Five bucks say that the previews for her next movie start airing this week or next
Q. Before it closed last month, I saw Judy Kaye on Broadway in Souvenir, about Florence Foster Jenkins, a tin-eared socialite. What appealed to her about this odd role? Didn’t it strain her voice?
Virginia K., Atlanta, Ga.
A: Sometimes I just get a question that I can’t even make fun of. Usually I just leave it out I just wanted to show you what I leave out Sometimes it is impossible to come up with something to write. Now on the other hand.
Q. I heard that Ed Asner is remaking the film Inherit the Wind, about the 1925 Scopes trial. When is it due out?
Lewis Levine, Newark, N.J.
A: The Scopes trial aka “The Scopes Monkey Trial” was a landmark case that challenged the law forbidding the teaching of evolution in the classroom.
Asner actually has a huge role in the movie, he plays the ape:
Yet sometimes they are that easy
