The Celeb Sex Tape Scandal…

There is something about the celebrity sex tape that gets people’s attention. Be it one of their dream girls getting freaky (Pam Anderson), watching a débutante fall (Paris Hilton), maybe watching the hunk they adore (Colin Farell), or watching a complete and utter freak of nature (Tommy Lee). For me it is the most interesting form of celebrity scandal, even more than the getting busted for drugs or the going into rehab angle. Last week it was announced that there was another sex tape leak this time involving Kid Rock, Scott Stapp and some of their fans. This news was great for two reasons:

1- Scott Stapp hit the celebrity trifecta in a single week which has NEVER been done before. He got arrested, he was out in public totally and utterly high or drunk out of his mind, and he had a sex tape released. It usually takes people their entire careers to get the trifecta. It’s the sports equivalent of the Triple Crown in baseball, it’s just so rare. And he did it in one week, it totally blows my mind.
2- There is now a healthy contest going on, it’s called celebrity males that have a sex tape that I never want to see fuck:

Right now I see it as a four horse race.

Durst had a three minute sex tape released last year. I know the jokes pretty much right themselves on that one. I don’t know what about Fred Durst is the most pathetic; him going on television and basically begging for Christina Aguilera to go out with him, having a THREE MINUTE sex tape released, or him going around to Guitar Centers across the United States to get a new guitarist for Limp Bizkit?

Porn stars and rock stars go together. And apparently they can make sex tapes together. Neil did the nasty with porn star Janine aka the girl on the cover of the blink 182 album. One of them should be in front of the camera and well the other…. By the way Janine wins the award for porn star with the worst ink.

Kid Rock reminds me of the kid that took vocational education classes in high school, who lived in a trailer park and smoked his reds whenever he got the chance. He kind of half assed it through the vocational classes because he always had visions of becoming a bouncer at a strip club but deep down inside he knew he would never get big enough to do so. Plus every time I look at him I feel like I am going to get Chlamydia.

I think my feelings on Scott Stapp were outlined pretty well last week in this blog from last week.

I mean talk about a close race…

Sex tapes though to me are some of the funniest things going, well not the actual tapes themselves but the whole controversy surrounding them. You can totally tell which ones are “leaked” to get the person cheap publicity. I love how the people involved act all upset and pissed that the tape was “stolen” from their house then end up licensing it out because they have nothing to be afraid of. It is a subject that I consider myself an expert in, celebrity sex tapes. That is something to put on the ole resume.

So now I would like to move on to the five worst sex tapes that have ever been made. In doing research for this story I found out some interesting tapes that I never heard about, some of the information was actually rather disturbing. (note: I didn’t actually watch most of these because well… I didn’t want to vomit)

Just for the record any tapes involving people under age have been removed from the running, so R Kelly and Rob Lowe you will not be winning an award today.

Honorable mention:

Jenna Lewis from Survivor… Her wedding video
The aforementioned works of Scott Stapp, Kid Rock, Vince Neil and Fred Durst.

Eve the rappers sex tape… I think the paw print tats are a huge turnoff

Pam Anderson andt Bret Michaels Sex tape… He’s no Tommy Lee if you get my drift

And finally the Steve Guttenberg tape that was leaked in the late 80’s proving my theory that he really was in like 90% of all movies released in the 80’s.

5. Sharon Tate and Roman Polanksi

This is the original celebrity sex tape, well unless there really is “The Apple Knockers and the Coke” movie from the 1950’s that has Marilyn Monroe in it. Polanski and Tate made this tape in the 1969 of course it really isn’t available because it is part of the evidence in the Charles Manson murder case. So just the fact that Manson is evolved makes it ranked in the top five, plus it is an excuse for me to post a gory Sharon Tate murder picture. (just kidding)

4. One night in Paris… Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon

Anything that is shot in night vision automatically sucks. Plus I have seen the tape. I would rather screw a corpse at least they won’t stop to answer their cell phone during the act.

3. The Tom Sizemore 8 hour sex tape.

I like Tom Sizemore, I mean whenever there is a war movie released he is like automatically cast it in. I think it is great. But 8 hours, isn’t that a tad excessive? I don’t want to watch anything that is 8 hours. Hell I love the Godfather Movies but there is no way I am watching all three back to back to back. So if you think I am watching that guy bone for 8 hours well you are sorely mistaken.

2. Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly “The wedding night” sex video

Fun little fact about this video, the dress isn’t really her wedding dress it was a Halloween costume. Second fun fact I was forced to sit through and watch this tape when my friend downloaded it on the net. Third fact, I have better breasts than Tonya Harding. You would think it would be better because Gillooly already had the 70’s porn star mustache working.

1. 1 Night In China.. Joanie Laurer (the wrestler Chyna) and Sean Waltman (the wrestler X-Pac)

I don’t even need to say another word

So my question to you my loyal readers what person or tape would you rather not see… ever… and all of them can’t be your answer because that is a forgone conclusion.