Except When he Writes Dung

Yesterday’s blog talked about Stephen King’s best books. Now let’s talk about the worst. Judging by people’s comments yesterday, I’m bound to take some shit for some of the below picks, but hey, I gotta give my honest opinion. So here we go:

10.

King rips himself off in this one, borrowing themes from It and Tommyknockers, among others. I gotta say though, there are some stunningly nasty little passages in this book. Ass Weasels anyone? The bathroom scene is burnt into my mind forever. That being said, the book is a big, bloated, unruly mess (no pun intended). It’s King’s first attempt at fiction post-near death car accident, and the pain killers REALLY show.

9.

Rose Madder is King’s attempt at “feminist” fiction, and while it succeeds on some levels, it is just a little too bizarre for my tastes. The whole painting angle I found to be annoying, and the prose stilted. I will say this though: a very scary villain.

8.

While I feel Desperation is a pretty darn good book, it’s Richard Bachman companion piece reads like a bizarre, ultra-violent dream. While the theme of suburbia under attack by outside forces is intriguing, the messy plot and writing ruins it in the end. The two-book “mirror” thing was a very bold move, so I’ll give King that much.

7.

This collection of novellas is like Different Seasons……accept it blows. The four novellas within for the most part read like throwaway ideas, which I’m guessing they are.

6.

This book is a sloppy mess. While King does end up tying it into the Dark Tower series, and thus saving it a little, to me this is a book that couldn’t decide WHAT it wanted to say, do, or be.

5.

Now we’re starting to move into really foul territory, so put on that gas mask. King wrote Tommyknockers while in the throes of alcohol and cocaine addiction, and BOY does it show. It’s a confusing mess of a read, with a horrible ending. King returns to a similar theme a few years later with MUCH better results in Needful Things.

4.

I’m not sure what possessed King to write a 300 page book about a woman handcuffed to a bed….alone, but the results are as boring as they sound. You know it’s a bad King book when no attempt has EVER been made to turn it into a movie (much like other books on this list).

3.

I actually wasn’t a huge fan of the Talisman, but this sequel sucks ass!! I actually didn’t even make it all the way through. Pure shite.

2.

What the F was he thinking with that title? King stretches what should have been a 50-60 page novella into a 200 page novel. Like Gerald’s Game, we’re forced to spend time with one boring character – a little girl lost in the woods. I’m actually falling asleep just writing about it, so let’s move on.

1.

I challenge someone to make it all the way through this book without needing to go to the emergency room for vomiting and rectal bleeding. Torturously boring, pointless, and derivative, this book almost made me give up hope that King would ever put out anything good again. After 200 pages, I put the book down and wept many bitter tears, never to return to it.

By the way, I finished Cell and it ended up being just OK. A shame, because the first 100 pages are fantastic. But from there on I don’t think King was sure where he wanted to go with it, and it shows. Still, the prose was nice and tight (like my abs), so it was a quick read.