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The Evil that is Paula Abdul’s Vagina

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/15/06 @ 7:45 am

So I noticed this little article on the front page of yahoo yesterday morning:


Apparently Paula Abdul is going to have Dr. Phil straighten out her dating life. According to the article Paula has had some issues dating:

“I think the biggest misconception people have is when they hear me say it is difficult to date, and they say, ‘Oh please, Paula. Come on Paula. Give me a break,’” the Grammy winner comments. “But it is the truth. I think this will prove how difficult it is.”

At first I was going to write a blog ripping Dr. Phil and Paula Abdul. If only for the fact that I dislike him so much and I thought that Paula Abdul has dated some absolute losers, showing her own poor judgment. But after looking into Abdul a little more I realized that Paula Abdul is the embodiment of pure evil. I know I know she is the nice one on ‘American Idol’. The wool has been pulled over your eyes America. If you look through her history she has dated or married men and absolutely killed their careers. The evidence is so overwhelming that it should be a known fact that Paula Abdul has a vagina that is pure evil. Let’s look at the evidence:

Evidence Item Number One The Actors:


Emilio Estevez before Paula Abdul:
The Outsiders, Repo Man, The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo’s Fire, Stakeout, Young Guns

After Paula Abdul:
D3: The Mighty Ducks, 4 TV Movies, The LA Riot Spectacular


Arsenio Hall

Before Paula Abdul:
Coming to America, The Arsenio Hall Show

After Paula Abdul:
Arsenio, Martial Law, Star Search


John Stamos

Before Paula Abdul:
Full House

After Paula Abdul:
Um Jake In Progress

Ok so he isn’t a good example because well he has never really had a career worth talking about. But still a long running sitcom is better than a show that is about to be canceled.

I know everyone out there isn’t convinced. You are all saying, “Well she has dated B-list actors their decline was going to happen anyways.” Oh but I am not done You see let’s talk about the couple of businessmen she has had relationships with.

Evidence Item Two Everyone Else:

Brad Beckerman was her second husband; he was the CEO of the Starter Corporation. Remember the company that made the ghetto oversized sports jackets that white kids in suburban malls that thought they were black wore? Well before his marriage to Abdul it was a leading clothing line and doing well. After Paula Abdul, well let’s just say that the company dissolved in 1998 right at the end of his marriage with Paula Abdul.

Colton Melby was a part owner in a major holding company that saw his stock decline sharply, in fact to a five year low after dating Abdul.

Hank Kuehne a professional golfer, had a promising start to a PGA career, after dating Abdul he ended up in Alcohol rehab.

Corey Clark a contestant on American Idol, he bangs her and where does he end up? Exactly.

And finally

MC Skat Kat

Was he ever the same after?

Every guy that she has dated has been considerably worse off after. How and why is this possible you may ask? I think Paula Abdul is really hundreds of years old and uses her magic vagina to drain these men of their talent and good fortune in order to survive. Just kidding.

(So I am watching “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” right now. And when he starts singing “Twist and Shout” what is the deal with the African American people breaking out into three rows and dancing in unison on top of the stairs? I never got that. I get the people surrounding the float and getting all into it. That makes sense but why does this random group of people form three lines and dance totally in unison and why are they all black? I think that has ruined one of my favorite movies of all time.)

Where was I? Oh Paula Abdul’s vagina. Now I understand that the vagina holds magical powers, lilnavywife explained that in her blog yesterday.
(Which you should all read.) Until now I never have believed that a vagina could be purely bad MOJO. I think that Paula Abdul has the first vagina on record, which is purely evil.

Can you think of anything in the world with a path of destruction as impressive as Paula Abdul’s vagina?

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

12 Responses to “The Evil that is Paula Abdul’s Vagina”

  1. Roxanne says:

    The whole black people dancing in unison thing was just something we all did in the 80s. Seriously, if more than three people were in a group walking in tandem and something cool was happening, we would just all break out into choreographed moves. Those people just happened to be black. Really, it happened all the time, I was there. In the 80s that is.

    Your link to lilnavywife is gibbled. I want to read about her vagina story…

  2. This was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while! Thanks! x

  3. T. says:

    My college is hosting The Vagina Monologues this weekend. I think you should bring this post and read it. LOL.

  4. lisa says:

    this was freaking hilarious. i hate doc phill too. he’s a poser created by oprah to suck the life out of america!

  5. lisa says:

    oh p.s. the diss on uncle joey was uncalled for.

  6. Leon says:

    Wow, I’ll never look at her the same way again. LOVE your blog, man. Keep it up!

  7. LilNavywife says:

    There’s a link to me on the home page.

  8. [...] A. You know I was going to write a real smarmy response to this. But I mean really …. Paula Abdul is she any better than these two? Ok, she is better than Britney. I have already established that Paula Abdul’s vagina is evil  and I am going to wager right now that Jessica Simpsons vagina is going to ruin at least ten careers in Hollywood. Mark my words Jessica Simpsons vagina is as evil as Paula Abduls. [...]

  9. sarah says:

    No one mentioned Paris Hiltons snatch. Thats downright nasty, and EVIL.

  10. It’s been a while since you wrote this, Bob, but I have to say Jessica Simpson’s clam is pretty devastating too.

  11. kookimebux says:

    Hello. And Bye. :)

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