Parade Magazine Questions Answered
(once again the same monday morning gimmick and I lose just a little bit more faith in the rest of the country)
Q. I was surprised by the Grammy nomination for The Agoraphobic Cowboy, a comedy album by Rick Moranis. Who is this guy?
Ted Seely, Lincoln, Neb.
A: You don’t know who Rick Moranis is? You know what, when people make fun of the mid-west American states for being dumb and voting for Bush I think it is a little over the top and cruel but after reading this maybe they have a point. How the hell do you not know who Rick Moranis is?
You sir have no knowledge of pop culture and I am ashamed that you are an American Citizen. You must immediately go out and rent:
Strange Brew, Ghostbusters, and Spaceballs.
This is not to gloss over his work in SCTV, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, or anything else. Once again is this question really necessary, a quick google search would have taken care of this. Sure not everybody has a computer but you know there is a place called a library?
Q. In the film March of the Penguins, how did they get the breathtaking shots of the penguins underwater?
Don C., Eugene, Ore.
A: They used a camera, duh (Yeah the questions are lame this week… So the quality of answers decline with them)
Q. Did you take heat for your item last fall picking Texas QB Vince Young, a junior, as most deserving of the Heisman Trophy?
Ed Taylor, Camden, N.J.
A: I want to pat myself on the back question. For you non-sports fans out there, Vince Young and Texas one the national championship after the Heisman trophy was awarded to Reggie Bush of USC. In an all time amazing performance in the National Championship Game Vince Young got revenge for not winning the award. The guy that answers this mailbag totally had to put this in on the biggest ego trip ever It really wasnt answering a question now was it? What a dick, just when I thought Parade Magazine couldnt make me hate them anymore.
Q. How does Naomi Watts feel about being passed over for a Golden Globe nomination for King Kong, just as she was for 21 Grams?
Karen Jones, Norwalk, Conn.
A: Karen she was absolutely elated. I think she has an extra spring in her step because she was passed over. These are the types of questions that make me go insane. Do people actually put actual thought into these before they write them? I equate this question with sideline reporters asking players after a huge game, So how does it feel to lose? It ranks rather high on the list of dumb questions that people can ask:
Top Five Dumb Questions I Have Read or Heard People Ask:
5. So why cant I get water on my cell phone, the case is plastic doesnt it make it waterproof?
4. When is the fourth of July?
3. How does it feel to lose (insert game, award, prize)?
2. Why cant I go to a party with a bunch of Hells Angels? (Asked by my sister when she was 15)
1. Are you really David Hasselhoff?
Q. I was expecting the new Pink Panther film with Steve Martin to open by now. Is it in trouble?
Kathy Kirtos, Canfield, Ohio
A: It got shitty reviews but still was number on at the box office this week. But lets look at the pure shit it was up against:
Final Destination 3- They probably could have stopped after the first one.
Curious George- I cant make fun of everyones favorite monkey.
Firewall- Ugh Harrison just make Indiana Jones 4, please.
When A Stranger Calls- Hes calling from inside your house! Gag.
Big Mamas House 2- Martin Lawrence should not be allowed to make movies.
You know when the best movie out in the theatres right now involves Jack G ramming Heath Ledger in the bung hole (not that there is anything wrong with that) that Hollywood is in a sad state of affairs. Being that ‘Brokeback’ is pretty much an arthouse movie that means there is not one big Hollywood movie worth watching out right now. I think there have been ten movies in the last two years that I actually was really psyched to see… I think we need a remake of ‘Cannonball Run’.
Q. I cant keep all these new young Hollywood actresses straight. Who are your picks as the hottest stars under 30?
Nora Brand, Cleveland, Ohio
A: (Here is parade magazines picks-Keira Knightley, 20; Lindsay Lohan, 19; Rachel McAdams, 29; Scarlett Johansson, 22; and Claire Danes, 26 I only agree with 2.)
My god Nora I know it is so mind boggling, so many actresses and so little brain power to connect the name with the face. So that is why I am going to introduce to you My piece of ass chart, that way you will know the following things: what the girl looks like, her name, and why they got there. Feel free to clip it out and put it on your refrigerator.
I was going to give a rating on how many fingers I would lop off in order to sleep with each one of these girls but they were so close that it would be pointless. Lets just say I would look like the worst shop teacher in the world after a horrible table saw accident.
