This Weeks Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

(Since I have gained a lot of new readers in the last week I will explain this gimmick. Every Sunday “Parade Magazine” is published with your Sunday paper. It’s a total waste of paper, filled with just shit journalism. Inside the cover there is a question and answer section that is filled with the single dumbest collection of questions I have ever seen. So as a way to poke fun at it every Monday I republish most of the questions and take my shot at answering them. Sometimes the questions work out, this week is kind of a slow week.)

Q. Why do stars like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopt foreign kids when many are waiting here?
-John Cranston, Everett, Wash.

A:John I am really surprised that this is even a question. Don’t you know that when you get to a point in your life and you have a shit load of money you only buy imported shit? When you are making more then $7.50 an hour you don’t drink Bud you buy imported beer. Need a car? You go with a Jag, Ferrari, Bently, or something like that you don’t buy a Chevy Malibu. So why wouldn’t this apply when you are buying a kid on the black market? Err…. I mean adopting a child.

Plus American babies are ugly:

Q. Barry Manilow tells audiences he’s planning a Broadway musical. When can I expect to see it?
-E.J.M., Shoreham, N.Y.

A: I can’t believe that anyone actually cares. I did some research on this question and found that this guy sent it in:

I haven’t found anyone else that inquired about Barry Manilow going on Broadway. Not one person…. Well except for my mother but I refuse to discuss her poor musical choices.

Q. Since 1900, how many men have been elected to consecutive terms as U.S. President?
-N. Appelfeld, New York, N.Y.

A: The fact that you don’t know this is sad. Plus the fact that you didn’t even look it up in an encyclopedia, an almanac, or on the net. But I will do this off of the top of my head going current to back: Bush, Clinton, Reagan, Nixon, Ike, FDR, and Wilson. See I can answer the questions seriously.

Q. How can union entertainers like country star Garth Brooks do commercials for nonunion stores like Wal-Mart?
-Danny Fitch, Northglenn, Colo.

A: Danny do you honestly think that Garth Brooks or well any country star really cares about endorsing non-union stores? Why would they fight against the biggest retailer in the world? How are they going to sell cds in Podunk, USA? This question is as common sense as it gets… Money overrides morals when it comes to business Brooks it not going to eliminate the largest distribution channel for his cds. That is career suicide.

Q. A steak dinner is riding on this: My friend says Michael Douglas built his power and fortune in Hollywood on his record as a producer. I say he did it as an actor. Who wins?
-Alan Nathan, Bronx, N.Y.

A: Screw the question. Why is there a question every week with two people trying to “settle a bet”? It never fails, I swear they have a formula to this, one question about someone that was famous before 1960, one question about a country music person, one question about a pop harlot, and one question about a bet.

The thing that drives me nuts is that they always explain what they are betting on and it is never interesting. It’s like a steak dinner or a nice dinner out… Last week had a trip to Vegas which upped the steaks but I say if you are going to send you question to a national magazine because the bet is so heated that you need to up the stakes. Plus the bets are always with lame ass questions?

Here are three bets that I would like to see in Parade Magazine, and the questions that would be great if they went with them:

1) Appendages- I want to see people offer to cut off their thumbs or fingers as part of the bet. I can just see it now “My index finger is riding on this: Which Wahlberg brother was in New Kids on the Block. I say it was Mark my friend says it was Donnie?”

2) Spouses- What about letting the winner sleep with other person’s spouse? I think that makes it a little more interesting. “I once heard Shania Twain shaved Garth Brooks’s balls on stage for charity in front of a Wal-Mart. My friend says that never happened. The winner gets to sleep with the loser’s wife, please tell me I am right because she just got her tits done and looks amazing. So who is right?”

3) Children- You know when you are putting up your first born that the ante has been raise. “My first born child will be sold on the black market by my friend Denise if I am wrong in out little bet. We wanted to know if John Waters actually received a cross made out of Charles Manson’s pubic hair is that true? I say no.?”

Q. What are Paris Hilton’s credentials for getting paid for movies, CDs, books and TV ads?
-Brenda N., Roanoke, Va.

A: I can’t avoid Paris can I? For all of who don?t know my hatred of all this Paris Hilton is a fire that burns inside me stronger then anything else.

If Paris was dying of thirst and I was walking by her I wouldn’t let her lick my ball sweat.

If a house was on fire and I could save a 99 year old women that was having a heart attack and may already be dead I would take her over Paris.

If there was a nuclear apocalypse and we were the only two people left on the planet and needed to breed in order to preserve the human race I would hang myself and let the human race expire.

If I died and I went to heaven and god said, “Kevin to get into heaven you need to spend an hour with Paris Hilton talking about the news of the day. If not you will go straight to hell.” I would be going to hell.

With that being said I need to answer this question.

There is no answer though it is one of those questions that we will NEVER know the answer to. I don’t understand why people like her. I don’t understand why people have any interest in her what so ever. In fact I need to stop talking about it or I am going to write like a 20 page blog about it.

Tomorrow: My theory on Dakota Fanning…. Which is shaping up to be my favorite blog ever….