(So my blogging vacation starts today. My first guest blogger is lilnavywife. Go ahead and comment like you would normally do, I am sure she will be around to fire some sass back. If you like what you read a button to subscribe to her blog is right on the bottom. Enjoy everyone!)
For those of you who don’t know, I’m LilNavywife! The littlest and navyiest of wives. I’m the kicker of Japanese hoboes, the bane of all “buy me a drink girls” foreign and domestic, and I love me some muffins! Kevin asked me to write for him for reasons unknown.
Multiple choice time again folks. Why did David “Freaking” Hasselhoff allow LilNavywife to write in his blog?
A) He let her write for fear of imprisonment. She had caught him in a compromising position with the following, an albino Eskimo midget hooker, a pair of jumper cables, an economy sized tub of Crisco, and a German Sheppard. German’s love the Hoff! Apparently the canines aren’t exempt from the love.
B) He’s trying to get into her pants. He wants her to change her name to LilFreakingHasselhoffwife. He wants to populate the world with half black hobo kicking hairy children.
C) He thinks she’s some kind of awesome and funny.
D) He’s a lazy bastard.
E) All of the above.
I don’t mind guest writing in other’s blogs. I did it for Bill Dawes. Why not for D to the Freaking H? He gave me cart blanque to write about anything I wanted. I’ve talked about vaginas, penis muffins, stupid sailors, my kids, and lecherous Japanese bums. Also I’m going to Hell.
Today I would like to talk about ass-beatings. Yeah the school of hard knocks. I’ve beaten an ass or eighteen and I’ve had my ass made into a beret too. I would like to guide you gentle readers down memory lane. This section is called LilNavy’s Black board Jungle Hall of Fame and Shame.
Okay let me give you the rundown of me. I’ve always been super skinny and the smallest. I’m 5′3 and 115lbs at the moment. So pretty much all my fights I’ve been at a disadvantage. Also I’m never the one to throw the first punch. That’s one of my rules but I’ll get to that in a minute. I won’t say that I don’t mouth off. I’m full of the sass. But if you can’t stand the heat get your ass out of the kitchen. I could spit “You Mama jokes” that’ll make you cry or want to beat the black off of me.
The rules of engagement:
1. You never throw the first blow. You can talk shit all you want. But you are the better person if you don’t lose your cool. Always try to talk the offended party out of the fight. Violence never solves anything, but sometimes you got to throw them ‘bows!
2. There is no such thing as a fair fight. I was always the underdog because of the size differential. Papa always told me to use anything and everything at my disposal. Rocks, teeth, nails, pillow case stuffed with bricks, a sock full of nickels, baseball bats, and do a lot of spastic kicks and punches.
3. Take off things like piercings and valuables. You already have a reason to fight you don’t want another one.
4. Make sure it’s a one on one fight. If it is uneven run stupid!
5. Always look out for reprisals. People don’t handle ass whoopings well. And if you were on the receiving end they like to try again for another.
6. Take advantage of distractions. Try to rip the shirt off of the person. Or go for a kiss. That always fucks the person up.
7. After you win a fight don’t gloat. It looks bad. Just walk away but watch your back. Refer back to rule ..5.
8. If you lose a fight take the loss with grace. Don’t go back for revenge. You can’t win them all.
9. Always keep moving. It’s hard to hit a moving target.
10. Fight until you can’t fight anymore. Make the person wish they never laid hands on you. And if you are losing make them earn that ass beating they are giving you. They’ll think twice for starting a fight with you again.
My first fight.
I was in the 4th grade. I can full on blame my sister for this fight. Well we were in the after school program together. I was busy playing 4 squares whilst my 2nd grader sister was on the merry-go-round. Well the bully of the program was a girl by the name of Nicole. She frothed at the mouth, had man hands and was very intimating. She would bite the erasers off of pencils and spit them back at people. My sister was minding her own business when Nicole pushed her off of the merry-go-round on to ground underneath. To add insult to injury Nicole began to spin the playground death vehicle pinning my sister. I was caught between letting sister fight her own battles and in the middle of going for the “3 peat” in 4 square. Fuck it! I’m going to help her out at the cost of my own ass.
“Hey leave my sister alone!” I yell as the words get caught in my throat. I was sure an ass beating was going to follow.
“Fuck you and your sister.” She nonchalantly says. Did I mention that this was a Christian Private school?
I ignore Nicole, grab the bar stopping the spinning, and help my sister up. Nicole pushes me from behind. That was all I needed. Out of nowhere my left hand reaches up and slaps the dog shit out of Nicole. I felt like I was on auto pilot. Nicole charges at me but I land a punch straight on her nose. Then I grabbed one of her pony tails and swung her into the sand box. I jumped on top of her like a drunken lemur and began to pummel her under a barrage of fists. Somehow she managed to get from underneath me and ran to the monkey bars. She climbed up as fast as she could, she kept crying about something. I jump up and grab her leg and pull her ass to the ground. She hit the ground hard as fuck. My sister runs away for unknown reasons. This will be the beginning of my sister running away from my fights. She claims she’s going to get help, but I know the deal.
“Stop! I’m sorry.” She says.
“The only person who can do that to my sister is me!” I yell at her.
There are two things that are funny about this story. One I beat her ass without adult supervision. Where the fuck was the adults? Two Nicole carpooled with us on Thursdays. That happened to be a Thursday. Talk about awkward.
My first loss
Yes I’ve lost fights I’m not ashamed. It was the first year we started public school. I was in the 5th grade and if you had paid attention, my sister was in the 3rd. My sister and I talked funny comparatively to the other kids. We didn’t smell like ham, we brought our own lunches, and we didn’t curse. We stuck out like sore thumbs. Gee thanks, Mom for loving us.
I learned real fast how to play the dozens, cracking, snaps, or whatever term you have for this game. I got tired of kids trashing us for actually having a decent life. Well one day I wrote a check my mouth couldn’t cash.
One day I got into an impromptu game with a girl named Tracy. Let me tell you about Tracy. Tracy looked like Dr. Zayeus off of The Planet of the Apes. Please I’m not being racist here but she really did look like that damn dirty ape. She was big and it was nothing for someone to mistake she was a boy. That’s probably why she wore a lot of dresses. Tracy also had very little hair. She probably had about a whole 2 inches of hair that she would try and stretch into this ridiculous ponytail. I could spit more than she had hair. Oh she was slow too. Her jokes were lame but kids laughed at them for fear of an ass beating.
Needless to say she didn’t like the crack “Your hair is so short you use Minute Rice for rollers” or “Your Mama is so black that when she puts lotion on it looks like she has on wet leather pants.” (Her mother was really dark so dark in fact that if she took a bath she’d make hot tea)
“Just wait till we get off this bus.” She hissed.
Tracy got off the bus before us. I thought maybe if I ran I can get home before she gets to our block. Why was she waiting for us on her ten speed? My stomach began to knot up. Yep I’m going to die in the hands of this big ape of a girl.
“Look Tracy I don’t want to fight. Those were just jokes.” I pleaded. By this time my sister was a faint dot in the distant moving towards my front porch. Note to self kill my sister.
“Tracy smash!” She yelled. She proceeded to beat the ever loving crap out of me! I kept punching and kicking but she simply over powered me.
“Say uncle or Tracy smash!” She kept saying. But I never did, I couldn’t feel my lips and nose anymore. By the end me and Tracy had ran out of steam. As soon as I would rest up I would charge and she would bat me away saying, “quit” or “aw c’mon just stop!” The street lights were about to come on so we both had to go. Needless to say I won a lot of respect from Tracy. She was an unofficial bodyguard for me. Weird how that works?
My first fight with a boy
It was in the 7th grade I had my first fisticuffs with a boy. My Science teacher had a lot of class animals. Everyday she picked a boy and girl to tend one of her animals. She did this alphabetically and every class period. So it was my turn and this boy named Rocky to feed the gerbils.
First of all, who the fuck names their kid Rocky anyways? Rocky was about an inch taller than me, which made him shorter than the normal boys. Rocky was so damn white trashy and dirty. His house was so dirty that I slipped on a rat and a roach stole my wallet.
I did absolutely nothing to provoke this kid matter of fact I didn’t say anything to him. I was busy replacing the used newspaper at the bottom of the cage, when boom! Rocky took it upon himself to slap me upside my head with a box of gerbil treats. Why? I later found out that kids do shit like that because they like you. Fuck him and his treats. He was laughing himself into a seizure. I was about to erase that smile off of his face.
I had started taking classes in Tang Soo Do (please no Chuck Norris jokes) I was already a yellow belt at the time. So I landed a crescent moon kick to the right side of his head. Yes! Wait till I tell sensei about this.
At my school it was automatic suspension for fighting regardless of who started the fight. My dad didn’t like this and pulled a vagina clause on my behalf. Yes he was the one that opened my eyes to the power of the poon. Rocky got 3 days suspension and a footprint upside his head. I got one day of after school detention where I just took a nap for 2 and a half hours.
The End.
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