Archive for February, 2006

I’ll Rock Your Snot Box

(So my blogging vacation starts today. My first guest blogger is lilnavywife. Go ahead and comment like you would normally do, I am sure she will be around to fire some sass back. If you like what you read a button to subscribe to her blog is right on the bottom. Enjoy everyone!)

For those of you who don’t know, I’m LilNavywife! The littlest and navyiest of wives. I’m the kicker of Japanese hoboes, the bane of all “buy me a drink girls” foreign and domestic, and I love me some muffins! Kevin asked me to write for him for reasons unknown.

Multiple choice time again folks. Why did David “Freaking” Hasselhoff allow LilNavywife to write in his blog?

A) He let her write for fear of imprisonment. She had caught him in a compromising position with the following, an albino Eskimo midget hooker, a pair of jumper cables, an economy sized tub of Crisco, and a German Sheppard. German’s love the Hoff! Apparently the canines aren’t exempt from the love.

B) He’s trying to get into her pants. He wants her to change her name to LilFreakingHasselhoffwife. He wants to populate the world with half black hobo kicking hairy children.

C) He thinks she’s some kind of awesome and funny.

D) He’s a lazy bastard.

E) All of the above.

I don’t mind guest writing in other’s blogs. I did it for Bill Dawes. Why not for D to the Freaking H? He gave me cart blanque to write about anything I wanted. I’ve talked about vaginas, penis muffins, stupid sailors, my kids, and lecherous Japanese bums. Also I’m going to Hell.

Today I would like to talk about ass-beatings. Yeah the school of hard knocks. I’ve beaten an ass or eighteen and I’ve had my ass made into a beret too. I would like to guide you gentle readers down memory lane. This section is called LilNavy’s Black board Jungle Hall of Fame and Shame.

Okay let me give you the rundown of me. I’ve always been super skinny and the smallest. I’m 5′3 and 115lbs at the moment. So pretty much all my fights I’ve been at a disadvantage. Also I’m never the one to throw the first punch. That’s one of my rules but I’ll get to that in a minute. I won’t say that I don’t mouth off. I’m full of the sass. But if you can’t stand the heat get your ass out of the kitchen. I could spit “You Mama jokes” that’ll make you cry or want to beat the black off of me.

The rules of engagement:

1. You never throw the first blow. You can talk shit all you want. But you are the better person if you don’t lose your cool. Always try to talk the offended party out of the fight. Violence never solves anything, but sometimes you got to throw them ‘bows!

2. There is no such thing as a fair fight. I was always the underdog because of the size differential. Papa always told me to use anything and everything at my disposal. Rocks, teeth, nails, pillow case stuffed with bricks, a sock full of nickels, baseball bats, and do a lot of spastic kicks and punches.

3. Take off things like piercings and valuables. You already have a reason to fight you don’t want another one.

4. Make sure it’s a one on one fight. If it is uneven run stupid!

5. Always look out for reprisals. People don’t handle ass whoopings well. And if you were on the receiving end they like to try again for another.

6. Take advantage of distractions. Try to rip the shirt off of the person. Or go for a kiss. That always fucks the person up.

7. After you win a fight don’t gloat. It looks bad. Just walk away but watch your back. Refer back to rule ..5.

8. If you lose a fight take the loss with grace. Don’t go back for revenge. You can’t win them all.

9. Always keep moving. It’s hard to hit a moving target.

10. Fight until you can’t fight anymore. Make the person wish they never laid hands on you. And if you are losing make them earn that ass beating they are giving you. They’ll think twice for starting a fight with you again.

My first fight.

I was in the 4th grade. I can full on blame my sister for this fight. Well we were in the after school program together. I was busy playing 4 squares whilst my 2nd grader sister was on the merry-go-round. Well the bully of the program was a girl by the name of Nicole. She frothed at the mouth, had man hands and was very intimating. She would bite the erasers off of pencils and spit them back at people. My sister was minding her own business when Nicole pushed her off of the merry-go-round on to ground underneath. To add insult to injury Nicole began to spin the playground death vehicle pinning my sister. I was caught between letting sister fight her own battles and in the middle of going for the “3 peat” in 4 square. Fuck it! I’m going to help her out at the cost of my own ass.

“Hey leave my sister alone!” I yell as the words get caught in my throat. I was sure an ass beating was going to follow.
“Fuck you and your sister.” She nonchalantly says. Did I mention that this was a Christian Private school?
I ignore Nicole, grab the bar stopping the spinning, and help my sister up. Nicole pushes me from behind. That was all I needed. Out of nowhere my left hand reaches up and slaps the dog shit out of Nicole. I felt like I was on auto pilot. Nicole charges at me but I land a punch straight on her nose. Then I grabbed one of her pony tails and swung her into the sand box. I jumped on top of her like a drunken lemur and began to pummel her under a barrage of fists. Somehow she managed to get from underneath me and ran to the monkey bars. She climbed up as fast as she could, she kept crying about something. I jump up and grab her leg and pull her ass to the ground. She hit the ground hard as fuck. My sister runs away for unknown reasons. This will be the beginning of my sister running away from my fights. She claims she’s going to get help, but I know the deal.
“Stop! I’m sorry.” She says.
“The only person who can do that to my sister is me!” I yell at her.
There are two things that are funny about this story. One I beat her ass without adult supervision. Where the fuck was the adults? Two Nicole carpooled with us on Thursdays. That happened to be a Thursday. Talk about awkward.

My first loss

Yes I’ve lost fights I’m not ashamed. It was the first year we started public school. I was in the 5th grade and if you had paid attention, my sister was in the 3rd. My sister and I talked funny comparatively to the other kids. We didn’t smell like ham, we brought our own lunches, and we didn’t curse. We stuck out like sore thumbs. Gee thanks, Mom for loving us.

I learned real fast how to play the dozens, cracking, snaps, or whatever term you have for this game. I got tired of kids trashing us for actually having a decent life. Well one day I wrote a check my mouth couldn’t cash.

One day I got into an impromptu game with a girl named Tracy. Let me tell you about Tracy. Tracy looked like Dr. Zayeus off of The Planet of the Apes. Please I’m not being racist here but she really did look like that damn dirty ape. She was big and it was nothing for someone to mistake she was a boy. That’s probably why she wore a lot of dresses. Tracy also had very little hair. She probably had about a whole 2 inches of hair that she would try and stretch into this ridiculous ponytail. I could spit more than she had hair. Oh she was slow too. Her jokes were lame but kids laughed at them for fear of an ass beating.

Needless to say she didn’t like the crack “Your hair is so short you use Minute Rice for rollers” or “Your Mama is so black that when she puts lotion on it looks like she has on wet leather pants.” (Her mother was really dark so dark in fact that if she took a bath she’d make hot tea)

“Just wait till we get off this bus.” She hissed.

Tracy got off the bus before us. I thought maybe if I ran I can get home before she gets to our block. Why was she waiting for us on her ten speed? My stomach began to knot up. Yep I’m going to die in the hands of this big ape of a girl.

“Look Tracy I don’t want to fight. Those were just jokes.” I pleaded. By this time my sister was a faint dot in the distant moving towards my front porch. Note to self kill my sister.

“Tracy smash!” She yelled. She proceeded to beat the ever loving crap out of me! I kept punching and kicking but she simply over powered me.

“Say uncle or Tracy smash!” She kept saying. But I never did, I couldn’t feel my lips and nose anymore. By the end me and Tracy had ran out of steam. As soon as I would rest up I would charge and she would bat me away saying, “quit” or “aw c’mon just stop!” The street lights were about to come on so we both had to go. Needless to say I won a lot of respect from Tracy. She was an unofficial bodyguard for me. Weird how that works?

My first fight with a boy

It was in the 7th grade I had my first fisticuffs with a boy. My Science teacher had a lot of class animals. Everyday she picked a boy and girl to tend one of her animals. She did this alphabetically and every class period. So it was my turn and this boy named Rocky to feed the gerbils.

First of all, who the fuck names their kid Rocky anyways? Rocky was about an inch taller than me, which made him shorter than the normal boys. Rocky was so damn white trashy and dirty. His house was so dirty that I slipped on a rat and a roach stole my wallet.

I did absolutely nothing to provoke this kid matter of fact I didn’t say anything to him. I was busy replacing the used newspaper at the bottom of the cage, when boom! Rocky took it upon himself to slap me upside my head with a box of gerbil treats. Why? I later found out that kids do shit like that because they like you. Fuck him and his treats. He was laughing himself into a seizure. I was about to erase that smile off of his face.

I had started taking classes in Tang Soo Do (please no Chuck Norris jokes) I was already a yellow belt at the time. So I landed a crescent moon kick to the right side of his head. Yes! Wait till I tell sensei about this.

At my school it was automatic suspension for fighting regardless of who started the fight. My dad didn’t like this and pulled a vagina clause on my behalf. Yes he was the one that opened my eyes to the power of the poon. Rocky got 3 days suspension and a footprint upside his head. I got one day of after school detention where I just took a nap for 2 and a half hours.

The End.

Random Japanese Product of the Day:

Have you ever wanted a gum to go with your snappy outfit? Hot damn try Xylish! At least your breath will appear better looking than you do.

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  • Parade Magazine Questions Answered

    (A couple of announcements to make, I am going to go on blogging vacation this week. I am going to do this column and the questions and answer with Trista. I need a break to concentrate on school and to finish up work on the website pointlessbanter.net. But while I am away I am going to have “guest bloggers” write pieces throughout the week to fill my spot. It will be funny shit, I figured you still want some daily entertainment. Also I want to announce the pointlessbanter.net launch party at Crane’s Tavern in Hollywood on March 11th. I will be sending out invites to those who live in California, if you aren’t on my friends list and are interested add me. Now onto a bile filled Parade Magazine Questions Answered)

    Q. I say that Princes William and Harry are the richest kids in England. My wife disagrees. Who’s right?
    T. Miller, Simi Valley, Calif.

    A: T. Miller Simi Valley That is only about half an hour away. Let me see how many Miller’s there are in Simi Valley. Hold on a second folks, I will be right back. There are six T. Millers in Simi Valley California and I have the address and phone numbers to all six. I am going to call them all up and ask the following question:

    Is this T. Miller the person that asked the question in Parade Magazine this weekend?

    If they say yes, I am going to read this pre-written speech that I will rehearse for the next four hours.

    “Mr. Miller, I as a concerned American citizen, I have two quick points to make and I will let you get on with your day. My first point is, if you haven’t all ready, consider not breeding. If you do have children, please kill them. I know it sounds rather harsh, maybe even sick. But there is logic behind this good sir. I believe that due to years of inbreeding combined with heavy alcohol or drug abuse that you have depleted your gene pool. It scares me to know that you can or have bred. The reason why I can say this with confidence sir, well It is really my second point. YOU DO NOT REFER TO TWO GROWN MEN AS KIDS! Once you are in your twenties you are no longer referred to as a kid. Common sense, a simple education, and awareness of social norms should have taught you that. Your wife is therefore right and should be able to inherit whatever is left of your estate after I come over and torch the fucking place to the ground.”

    Granted this might have been a tough one to look up on the net but at least categorize the person right. And the answer according to Parade (so take it with a grain of salt) is Daniel Radcliffe Once again another reason for a blogger to hate Harry Potter.

    Q. On the Food Network’s popular Barefoot Contessa show, is Jeffrey really the husband of the host, Ina Garten?
    T.J. Kreager, Bakersfield, Calif.

    A: No they are acting. The Food Network has decided to “kick it up a notch” and start using actors, they figured that it can’t be any worse than the shit on network TV. I mean if Jenna Elfman gets a second chance for a shitty why shouldn’t the food network take a stab at comedy? Hell they probably could get an Emmy nomination for a situation comedy. Next month they are going to do a show about two lesbian cooks called Patty and Marcy. Marcy will refer to Patty as sir, it sounds like a winner to me.

    Q. Lara Logan of CBS is one of TV’s best foreign correspondents as well as the most beautiful. What’s her background?
    Jack Krueger, Eagle Point, Ore.

    A:
    lara logan

    Chicks in flack jackets give me a chubbie.

    Q. Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise always seem to be traveling in different directions. Who’s looking after their kids?
    Adolph B., Portsmouth, N.H.

    A: First of all I don’t know if I trust anyone named Adolph asking a question. What the fuck where his parents thinking? Even if he was born before World War II wouldn’t you think he would want to change his name. Hitler ruined the name Adolph forever, as well as ruining that style of mustache, which I talked about before.

    But it’s nice to see him care about Nicole and Tom’s kids. Actually if you aren’t familiar with the Church of Scientology they actually have people, well beings that raise their children for them:

    gredo

    Q. Is Jennifer Lopez still making movies?
    Kate Larson, Washington, D.C.

    A: Apparently Ms. Lopez’s publicist isn’t even trying anymore. When you send in a fake question at least dress it up a bit, I mean come on. Five bucks say that the previews for her next movie start airing this week or next

    Q. Before it closed last month, I saw Judy Kaye on Broadway in Souvenir, about Florence Foster Jenkins, a tin-eared socialite. What appealed to her about this odd role? Didn’t it strain her voice?
    Virginia K., Atlanta, Ga.

    A: Sometimes I just get a question that I can’t even make fun of. Usually I just leave it out I just wanted to show you what I leave out Sometimes it is impossible to come up with something to write. Now on the other hand.

    Q. I heard that Ed Asner is remaking the film Inherit the Wind, about the 1925 Scopes trial. When is it due out?
    Lewis Levine, Newark, N.J.

    A: The Scopes trial aka “The Scopes Monkey Trial” was a landmark case that challenged the law forbidding the teaching of evolution in the classroom.

    Asner actually has a huge role in the movie, he plays the ape:

    ed asner

    Yet sometimes they are that easy

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  • Random Thoughts…

    (I have started 5 blogs in the last two days and after yesterdays clunker I didn’t really like any of them. So I decided to pull out what works… A little bit of random thoughts for you.)

    - The British Medical association this week announced that doctors should stop wearing ties in order to fight super bugs such as MRSA Thank god. Maybe the idea of wearing a necktie is going to finally end. I don’t why men still wear them. They serve zero purpose and are now proven to be dangerous to people’s health. Yeah I know they are tradition and so were slavery, denying women the right to vote, hanging, and duels. I don’t see people hankering for any of those to make a comeback. Well except for the state of Alabama.

    emilys reasons why not

    - So I sat down last night to check out what was hidden away in the tivo and update my tv show season passes because for some reason “The Shield” wasn’t recording. I noticed that someone in this household subscribed to “Emily’s Reasons Why Not”. I know the jokes have passed their expiration date like “Brokeback Mountain” jokes but screw it. I can think of five things that lasted longer than the entire run of that show.

    1) Any sporting event not including boxing
    2) An erection after a guy has taken Viagra
    3) Me taking a shit the day after eating KFC
    4) A box full of doughnuts at a police station
    5) Me waiting in line at the DMV to finally get a California’s driver license

    - Can I finally put the last nail in the coffin for all the “Chuck Norris” jokes? Please…

    - Speaking of putting nails in the coffin. I guess Gun ‘n Roses are really going to release their cd this year. I think this is the 15th time I have heard this. At this point is any band less significant? Well besides the Bee-Gees. A couple of the tracks leaked and I stalked them down last night on the net, uh… not good… I can’t believe people continue to give this band any credence or respect. You have a lead singer that is 45 years old that has more botox in his face than Pam Anderson. The band has like 2 of the original members in it. I just want them to go away.

    - I have EPMD’s song “Crossover” on my ipod and I am not ashamed to admit it.

    - Wow Canada got bounced from Olympic hockey yesterday; I wonder how much Gretzky’s wife lost? ……I am such a fucking hack.

    - In case you haven’t heard Lachey and Simpson are getting a divorce and Nick Lachey is filing for spousal support. I wrote my breakdown of their divorce back in November. And I can’t say I saw this move coming because I didn’t. I didn’t know if this was the ultimate bitch move or a reason to have this guy be my hero. She made like 30 million last year and if I have learned anything from watching Eddie Murphy’s Raw, he is entitled to half. If he gets this money and she continues to have to support him Nick Lachey can live every man’s dream. He will be able to run around Hollywood and nail hot chicks without ever having to step into a recording studio again. To me it is the most amazing development in this whole thing, well except for him asking for the jewelry he bought her back. Lachey can go into James Woods mode and just hang out at the Playboy mansion 24-7. You know his brother will be bailing on his wife soon because Nick will need a running buddy.

    - I have said it before and I will say it again “Surviving the Game” is the most underrated movie in the last fifty years. Ice-T is a tour de force in that bad boy. I would even say he was better in that than he was in “New Jack City”.

    - Is it wrong that when I am watching the women’s biathlon on the Olympics that I am hoping that one of the athletes snaps and starts firing their rifle at one of their competitors? Then it would turn into like a shootout at the ok corral but on skis. Wouldn’t you think if someone in last place that has worked their entire life to get to the Olympics would snap and pull out their rifle and start shooting the people ahead of them? I’m just saying… It would make for some great tv. Better than ice dancing.

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  • New Meaning to Open House

    From yahoo news:

    Red Light District Plans Open House
    Fri Feb 17, 12:41 PM ET

    There may be no such thing as a free lunch, but occasionally there’s a cheap feast for the eyes.
    Several topless bars, peep shows and sex show clubs in Amsterdam’s famed “Red Light” prostitution district have declared an open house on Feb. 18, hoping to shore up their reputation with local politicians who are calling for a crackdown.
    “You can come in, have a free drink, look around,” said Bob de Maan, spokesman for the “Banana Bar,” which is known for its live sex shows.

    “People think that this is something dirty, but now — it’s an open house. They can see for themselves.”
    Prostitution in Amsterdam boomed during the city’s 17th century Golden Age, when prostitutes catered to sailors on shore leave.With its lingerie-clad women and red neon lights, the area in the city center became a major tourist draw in the 20th century. The Dutch government legalized prostitution in 2000 with an eye to making it easier to tax and regulate.
    But problems have continued as the area acts as a magnet for pimps, drug addicts, petty criminals and human traffickers. A recent study found that despite health rules, about 7 percent of Dutch prostitutes have HIV, the virus that causes AIDs.
    The open house came in response to proposals by the head of Amsterdam’s largest political party meant to discourage women from marketing themselves in windows.

    Several of the best-known institutions are opening their doors, in an idea supported by the Prostitution Information Center, the Sex Museum, and the Salvation Army which helps the district’s many downtrodden.

    Red Light

    Open house totally has taken on a whole new meaning.
    Before I start into this there is a line in this that totally confuses me.

    “But problems have continued as the area acts as a magnet for pimps”

    Um it’s the red light district. Doesn’t that go hand and hand? Isn’t it like going into a bar and seeing a bartender?
    This seriously had me laughing for like an hour. While the concept behind it makes sense, they want to show the politicians they are on the up and up. The execution to me seems a little flawed. Aren’t they basically inviting them to brothels and live sex shows to show them how well things are managed? That to me seems kind of funny. Granted it is legal there so comparing it to inviting a politician to a speakeasy during prohibition might not be the right analogy but it is still kind of screwed up.

    “Hey politicians come to the red light district on February 18th so we can show you that there are no drug dealers, petty thieves, criminals, etc”

    Actually the idea is genius. They announced the day when the politicians are coming so the criminals can stay home and then they can distract them with titties and sex shows. After Helga gets Lars the representative from Enhoven on stage and electroshocks his nipples everything will be right again in the red district. I personally have never been to a red light district before and I feel like I am missing out. Not because I want to sleep with hookers but, I mean isn’t that the ultimate window shopping for guys? Women dream of Rodeo Drive or Fifth Avenue and what are guys left with? Don’t try and sell me on Home Depot, I don’t build shit.

    That is why Vegas needs to create a red light district in multiple hotels. While the girls go to Caesar’s Palace and go shopping the guys can go next door and have like hot girls in a window that you can have sex with if you want to. Most women that shop in Vegas aren’t really going to buy anything they just want to check out the designer shit. Guys really just want to window shop to, and a strip club doesn’t cut it. If Vegas did this it would be the greatest city in the world.

    I have no idea how I got from point A to where I am at now. I think it is time to click the abort button on this one.

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  • The Celeb Sex Tape Scandal…

    There is something about the celebrity sex tape that gets people’s attention. Be it one of their dream girls getting freaky (Pam Anderson), watching a débutante fall (Paris Hilton), maybe watching the hunk they adore (Colin Farell), or watching a complete and utter freak of nature (Tommy Lee). For me it is the most interesting form of celebrity scandal, even more than the getting busted for drugs or the going into rehab angle. Last week it was announced that there was another sex tape leak this time involving Kid Rock, Scott Stapp and some of their fans. This news was great for two reasons:

    1- Scott Stapp hit the celebrity trifecta in a single week which has NEVER been done before. He got arrested, he was out in public totally and utterly high or drunk out of his mind, and he had a sex tape released. It usually takes people their entire careers to get the trifecta. It’s the sports equivalent of the Triple Crown in baseball, it’s just so rare. And he did it in one week, it totally blows my mind.
    2- There is now a healthy contest going on, it’s called celebrity males that have a sex tape that I never want to see fuck:

    Right now I see it as a four horse race.

    fred durst

    Durst had a three minute sex tape released last year. I know the jokes pretty much right themselves on that one. I don’t know what about Fred Durst is the most pathetic; him going on television and basically begging for Christina Aguilera to go out with him, having a THREE MINUTE sex tape released, or him going around to Guitar Centers across the United States to get a new guitarist for Limp Bizkit?

    vince neil

    Porn stars and rock stars go together. And apparently they can make sex tapes together. Neil did the nasty with porn star Janine aka the girl on the cover of the blink 182 album. One of them should be in front of the camera and well the other…. By the way Janine wins the award for porn star with the worst ink.

    kid rock mugshot

    Kid Rock reminds me of the kid that took vocational education classes in high school, who lived in a trailer park and smoked his reds whenever he got the chance. He kind of half assed it through the vocational classes because he always had visions of becoming a bouncer at a strip club but deep down inside he knew he would never get big enough to do so. Plus every time I look at him I feel like I am going to get Chlamydia.

    Scott Stapp

    I think my feelings on Scott Stapp were outlined pretty well last week in this blog from last week.

    I mean talk about a close race…

    Sex tapes though to me are some of the funniest things going, well not the actual tapes themselves but the whole controversy surrounding them. You can totally tell which ones are “leaked” to get the person cheap publicity. I love how the people involved act all upset and pissed that the tape was “stolen” from their house then end up licensing it out because they have nothing to be afraid of. It is a subject that I consider myself an expert in, celebrity sex tapes. That is something to put on the ole resume.

    So now I would like to move on to the five worst sex tapes that have ever been made. In doing research for this story I found out some interesting tapes that I never heard about, some of the information was actually rather disturbing. (note: I didn’t actually watch most of these because well… I didn’t want to vomit)

    Just for the record any tapes involving people under age have been removed from the running, so R Kelly and Rob Lowe you will not be winning an award today.

    Honorable mention:

    Jenna Lewis from Survivor… Her wedding video
    The aforementioned works of Scott Stapp, Kid Rock, Vince Neil and Fred Durst.

    Eve the rappers sex tape… I think the paw print tats are a huge turnoff

    eve

    Pam Anderson andt Bret Michaels Sex tape… He’s no Tommy Lee if you get my drift

    And finally the Steve Guttenberg tape that was leaked in the late 80’s proving my theory that he really was in like 90% of all movies released in the 80’s.

    5. Sharon Tate and Roman Polanksi

    sharon tate roman polanksi

    This is the original celebrity sex tape, well unless there really is “The Apple Knockers and the Coke” movie from the 1950’s that has Marilyn Monroe in it. Polanski and Tate made this tape in the 1969 of course it really isn’t available because it is part of the evidence in the Charles Manson murder case. So just the fact that Manson is evolved makes it ranked in the top five, plus it is an excuse for me to post a gory Sharon Tate murder picture. (just kidding)

    4. One night in Paris… Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon

    paris hilton

    Anything that is shot in night vision automatically sucks. Plus I have seen the tape. I would rather screw a corpse at least they won’t stop to answer their cell phone during the act.

    3. The Tom Sizemore 8 hour sex tape.

    I like Tom Sizemore, I mean whenever there is a war movie released he is like automatically cast it in. I think it is great. But 8 hours, isn’t that a tad excessive? I don’t want to watch anything that is 8 hours. Hell I love the Godfather Movies but there is no way I am watching all three back to back to back. So if you think I am watching that guy bone for 8 hours well you are sorely mistaken.

    2. Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly “The wedding night” sex video

    tonya harding sex tape

    Fun little fact about this video, the dress isn’t really her wedding dress it was a Halloween costume. Second fun fact I was forced to sit through and watch this tape when my friend downloaded it on the net. Third fact, I have better breasts than Tonya Harding. You would think it would be better because Gillooly already had the 70’s porn star mustache working.

    jeffy gillooly

    1. 1 Night In China.. Joanie Laurer (the wrestler Chyna) and Sean Waltman (the wrestler X-Pac)

    chyna

    I don’t even need to say another word

    So my question to you my loyal readers what person or tape would you rather not see… ever… and all of them can’t be your answer because that is a forgone conclusion.

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    (The questions this week were kind of thin, plus I am distracted by my blog I am working on for tomorrow. It’s a breakdown of the celebrity sex tape. I am pretty happy with it thus far, it might give the Dakota Fanning Blog a run for the money. Also I spent most of yesterday working on the new homepage for pointlessbanter.net I think it is spiffy. I also posted the voting results from the top blogger awards there for those of you who don’t go to that group. Thanks to everyone that voted!)

    Q. Broadway legend Chita Rivera was in a crippling collision involving a taxi a while back. Can she still dance?
    T. Foley, Washington, D.C.

    A: If she was in a “crippling” collision why would you ask that question or word it that way.

    Crippling- To cause to lose the use of a limb or limbs

    So technically didn’t you already answer your question in your question?

    Well I guess she could hop around or something, which is how I dance Chicks dig it.

    Q. I read that British naturalist David Attenborough did a PBS special. About what?
    Joe Bryan, Honolulu, Hawaii

    A: What do you think it was about? It was about how people live in those groups totally nude, you know nudist colonies? Why the hell are nudists always middle aged people that you wouldn’t want to see nude? I never got that. It totally freaks me out, just like when you go to a nudist beach it is like half perverts and maybe there will be one attractive girl there. Not that I have been to a nude beach. And furthermore

    Wait he’s a naturalist and not a nudist oh let’s move on.

    Q. There’s been talk lately that Lincoln was homosexual. On what evidence is this assertion made?
    Tom W., Peabody, Mass.

    A: Tom I have indisputable proof that Lincoln was a homosexual. Just take a look at this photo.

    weekly world news

    He’s a cross dresser He is such a bitch. See you all thought I was going to go with a brokeback joke didn’t you?

    Side Note- NEVER do a yahoo images search for tranny… It was a horrible lesson I had to learn. Plus there were lot’s of Janet Reno pics.

    Q. The closing credits for the latest version of Pride and Prejudice say “Special thanks to Emma Thompson.” What contribution did the actress make?
    Rachel Madden-Connor, San Diego, Calif.

    A: Fluffer

    Q. I heard that CBS offered Katie Couric $17 million to $20 million to anchor the CBS Evening News. What’s wrong with the guy they’ve got: Bob Schieffer?
    Lester Hoover, Los Angeles, Calif.

    A: He’s old, he isn’t perky, and he isn’t loved by housewives everywhere Plus I can’t see his nipples when it gets cold the in the studio

    Q. It has been more than 10 years since the O.J. Simpson trial. Whatever happened to O.J.’s “professional houseguest,” Kato Kaelin?
    Scott Brown, Milwaukee, Wis.

    A: Does anyone really care? He falls into the Paris Hilton class of getting famous without ever really doing anything. I still never understood why he was staying at OJ’s house. He had to be a coke dealer or something.

    But talk about winning the lottery in life. You just happened to be at a house where a double murder takes places. You come off in the trial is a lazy, idiot, that has no real station in life. After that tv interview offers start coming in, you start making appearances in tv and films, plus get to host a couple of low end shows. On top of that you don’t go away for TEN years

    You know what I am actually kind of jealous. Maybe I could live in like Fred Durst’s guest house; he is due to snap and kill someone.

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