This Weeks Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

Q. Star Jones is a shadow of her former big-and-beautiful self. How much weight has she lost?
Harriet S., Miami, Fla.

It’s hard not to notice the dramatic loss..

Before:

After:

Right now the estimate is at half a ton. She lost so much weight that she discovered she actually had a penis?? Which makes sense because she married a homosexual, not that there is anything wrong with that.

Q. A Vegas trip rides on this bet: My cousin says Tom Jones is a playboy. I say he’s married to his high school sweetheart. Who pays?
Suzanne Baratt, San Diego, Calif.

He has been married to the same women for close to 30 years, he works in Vegas, and has women throwing underwear at him. Oh and not to mention that little lawsuit about his daughter that was born out of wedlock to another women, where the mother wanted 500 million in support. I am not going to say he has been banging other women, just that sometimes there are things called marriages for convenience. Yes I am looking at you Bill and Hillary.

Q. I heard that the Today show’s Matt Lauer left his wife, Annette, and is living in New York’s Trump Tower. Is it true?
M. Coward, Mansfield, Tex.

At first I when I read this question I was kind of offended that people were asking about something so personal about a man’s relationship. A newsperson at that, not a celeb, I think they should be separated. But then what really threw me off is the mention of the Trump Tower. Are you stalking Matt Lauer? Are you planning to go to NY and seduce a man that has left his wife? Was Trump Tower your first guess or do you write this letter weekly guessing different buildings? Or is this really Donald Trump looking to plug his tower in Parade magazine and my blog? Oh Donald you are so damn sneaky.

Q. Bette Midler did tribute albums to Peggy Lee and Rosemary Clooney. Does she plan any more?
Martha Jennings, Ridgefield, Conn.

Liza Minnelli….. Oh she’s still alive…… huh…… my bad…..

Q. I just saw Door in the Floor, with an adorable little girl named Elle Fanning. Is she related to Dakota Fanning of I Am Sam and War of the Worlds fame?
Lonnie Rowley, Palm Beach Gardens, Fla.

There are more Fanning’s god no….. It’s like the Children of the Corn or something……They are everywhere…… EVERYWHERE….. So we are going to be subjected to at least another ten years of “cute kid” movies starring a Fanning. That’s just not right.

I would request that someone goes and rips Mama Fanning’s uterus out but I don’t think these girls are reproduced biologically; they are actually genetically engineered in a secret lab in Compton by the Hollywood studios. It’s the perfect location because nobody will investigate because who wants to go to Compton?

Q. I love your annual list of celebrity facial features that are in demand by plastic surgery patients in Beverly Hills. Whose features are hot this year?
R. Lane, Dallas, Tex.

Jessica Simpson had her lips done.

Pam Anderson has had everything

Mariah Carey had a tit job.

Oh wait the question wasn’t what was some of the plastic surgery that was done on stars, it was what is in demand by the public, which is totally my bad.

Here is the most requested plastic surgery that people ask for to copy Hollywood stars…..

Gene Hackman’s Goiter: