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Ways to Cure Hiccups Without Using a Gun

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/26/06 @ 7:33 am

BOGOTA, Colombia — A Colombian man who tried to startle his nephew from a bout of the hiccups by pointing a gun at him accidentally pulled the trigger and killed him.

Police in the northern city of Barranquilla said the distraught uncle then ran out of the house and down the street a few yards before stopping and shooting himself. He died from a gunshot wound in the head. According to police, the incident occurred Sunday night after the two men had been drinking.


I don’t even know where to start with this. I am not going to even talk about the stupidity of waiving the gun around, which is common knowledge, well unless you live in Colombia.

What I want to talk about is the whole scaring people with hiccups thing. This has taken it to a whole different level. Whatever just happened for waiting for it to go away? Apparently hiccups are so dangerous that you need to get rid of them very fast or the repercussions could be life threatening. Also I guess scaring the ever living shit out of someone is the only way to get rid of them, since our culture is so desensitized to violence and we already live in a culture of fear I guess you have to step it up a notch, thus using a gun.

So the next time your loved one has hiccups here are some things you can to do to help cure them:

Your wife or girlfriend:

- Tell her you are going to go to the mini-mart to buy milk, when you leave weight ten minutes, put on all black, a ski mask, kick open the front door and hold a knife to her neck… When she pisses herself take off the mask and ask if her hiccups are gone. Since you saved her life you will probably have hot sex.

Your mother:

- Go out into the garage with your father run back into the house and tell her that you need to use the phone because your dad just had a massive heart attack. When your mom runs out to the garage have your dad pop up and ask if her hiccups are gone.

Your Boss

- Go into your boss’s office and flip out telling him that you quit and that you can’t stand looking at his weaselly face. Grab his chair and fling it though the window. Then grab your boss and hang him out the window by his feet. Once he has stopped hiccuping reel him in! You will probably get a promotion now that you cured his hiccups.

Your Husband/Boyfriend

- Just tell him you are pregnant.

Your children (ages 3-7)

- Get all freaked out and nervous saying that you hear something outside. Go out to the shed and grab a Santa hat with ketchup on it that you had planted out there. Return to the house and tell the kids that you had to kill a burglar and place the Santa hat on the kitchen table… Since they will probably be in tears the hiccups will have stopped giving them years of healthy living, plus since you killed Santa you can save money on Christmas gifts the next year.

Your friend (female)

- Tell them that one of the following things has happened: Lifetime Network went out of business, Dr. Phil got killed in a car accident, Oprah was mugged and murdered outside of her studio, Brad Pitt came out of the closet, or tampons have been discovered to shave ten years off of your life.

Your friend (male)

- Congratulate him and then tell him you heard from your girlfriend that his girlfriend is pregnant. Then ask, “Oh didn’t you know?”

You see curing the hiccups is a rather fun exercise. Home invasion, fake death, lying, holding people out of windows all to cure something that webmd.com says will go away within a few minutes to at worst a few hours. I guess you could take the pussy way out and drink a class of water fast or breath into a bag, but come on now. Sure maybe my tactics are extreme, but I guess putting a gun to someone’s head is the progressive treatment.

Filed in: News

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

One Response to “Ways to Cure Hiccups Without Using a Gun”

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