"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


This Weeks: Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/22/06 @ 9:37 am

Q. Rumors of romance between Aussies Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman have been around a long time. Is it for real?
-Karen C., Tampa, Fla.

A:Wait a second Keith Urban is Australian? Isn’t he a country singer? What the fuck does he know about getting drunk, beating his wife, driving a beat up pickup truck, NASCAR, getting drunk, having his wife leave him, the republican party, getting drunk, watching his dog get hit by a car, writing songs capitalizing on horrible American tragedies (I’m looking at you Allen Jackson), and hating the Dixie Chicks? Nothing, he is Australian furthermore you know what screw Australia, this blog is a calling out Australia and Denmark. Screw both of them… Wait…What… Rachel McAdams is Australian? Ok we’ll just leave Denmark on that list.

(Last week I offended Christians and 16 year old girls. I decided to aim higher and take out complete countries. I really do like Australia… No really I do… )

Q. Can it be true that Gregory Peck’s star was stolen from Hollywood’s Walk of Fame?
-Tim Baker, Provincetown, Mass.

A: I am not shocked that a star was stolen from the Hollywood walk of fame it has happened before. But why Gregory Peck? I mean sure he is an accomplished actor and all but why not the following “talented” people that all have a star:

Britney Spears
David Hasselhoff
Kirstie Alley
Jamie Lee Curtis
Cuba Gooding Jr
David Spade
Pee Wee Herman
Chuck Norris
The Olsen Twins
Charlie Sheen

Personally I would have taken Pat Morita’s star… but that is just me.

( I would like to point out Mel Brooks does not have a star..)

Q. Have ex-Presidents Bush and Clinton really developed a mutual respect and friendship?
-Chris Hawkins, Portland, Ore.

Well of course they did the shadow government asked them to form a bond. Don’t you realize Chris that we really don’t elect who is power? You think this country is a democracy? It’s run by the freaking stone cutters… Oh god I’ve said too much.. They’re here…. (Under the Patriot Act rest of this blog will be written by an agent of the CIA.)

Q. I loved Capote and wonder what the screenwriter, Dan Futterman, felt was his biggest challenge.
-Paul H., Astoria, N.Y.

People asking him what “Futterman’s Rule” is?

(Note: These were the hardest questions in this gimmick so far. And this was the biggest stretch for a reference in my blog ever. If you get the reference you have earned your way into my cool book. If not google it and you will get it, it probably won’t be funny, but at least you will have learned something.)

Q. A while back, Barbara Walters announced that she was retiring. So why do I still see her so often on TV?
-Jan MacDonald (no city given)

Would you leave “The View” in the hands of Star Jones and those three other annoying bitches? No. I wouldn’t either. I won’t even get started on The View… That could be a whole blog….

BTW airbrush much?

star jones airbrush

Q. Did Al Pacino and Beverly D’Angelo ever resolve the nasty custody dispute over their twins?
-Norma Palumbo, Conway, S.C.


What do you think? Wanna take bets on who came out on top?

Side Note: Worst clichés on MTV Cribs

1) Rappers having a Scarface picture in their house somewhere.
2) When they go into the bedroom people saying something along the lines of, “This is where all the good shit goes down”
3) People saying they don’t cook and only having Krystal, some random softdrink, and condiments in their fridge.

Side Note Two: Did you know there was a girl named Krystal Champagne that played women’s college hockey. Which brings up two questions:

1) Are her parent’s complete pricks?
2) How the hell did they keep her off the pole with a name like that?

Filed in: Questions Answered

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

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