Wow My First Hate Mail Message

So look what I received in my inbox yesterday:

“stop acting like you’re the shit your blogs are stupid so i un-subscribed

never ever send me something like this again you freak of nature

you give gay guys a bad name (that’s from my bff Nate)

you need to sit down, shut up, and stop typing forever

you aren’t funny and you are a no one so live with it”

Well that was warm and fuzzy. I guess just unsubscribing would have been a little too easy huh? My first reaction was to give this person a big fuck you and repost this with a link to their highly annoying page. Ripping into them and shitting all over their comments, but I didn’t do that for a couple of reasons.

1- She is a 16 year old girl. So class, tact, and manners might not be something that has set in yet.

2- It would make me look like I couldn’t take criticism, and I would come off as petty. Probably alienating readers in the process and I would possibly look like the biggest asshole ever. On par with the German guy [tag]Hans Gruber[/tag] in “Die Hard” when he shot Mr. Takagi. But probably a step below John Kreese the Cobra Kai Sensei in “Karate Kid”.

When I read this message I laughed at some of her points. While I can’t really argue the funny point because that is personal preference. Telling me to sit down and shut up while referencing your “BFF” is rather ironic because well, who the hell with an IQ higher than a squeezable ketchup bottle uses terms like “BFF”, shouldn’t you be silenced for actually using that term? The whole stop acting like I am the shit comment was funny because for anyone that has sent me a personal message praising my work or giving me a compliment I reply pretty humbly. All of that was rather funny to me, so I guess I should tell the person thank you for writing that, I got a good laugh.

The one thing though that threw me for a loop was this line, “you give gay guys a bad name.”

How the hell do I come off as gay?

1- My page says I am straight, I think by now people see me as a pretty honest person why would I hide my sexuality?
2- I write about Lindsay Lohan’s ever changing breast size, not Brad Pitt’s package size
3- I have expressed my admiration for all things Scott Baio because of his track record of sleeping with every girl before they become a star.
4- Also I have expressed my hatred for Wilmer Valadramma because he has slept with every girl in Hollywood I find attractive.
5- I have openly talked about dates I have had with females.

(So to prove my sexuality I am looking for female readers to have sex with me on camera preferably multiple ones at the same time… Just kidding, I just wanted to see how that looked in print.)

At first I was really offended and perplexed at the same time. But as I thought about it should I really be offended that she inferred that I was gay? If someone thought I was Hispanic because of my darker Italian skin would I be offended? No. If someone thought I was Jewish would I be offended? No. If someone thought I was Republican would I be offended? Er.. for the sake of argument, no. So why should I be offended that she called me gay?

Maybe I should take it as a compliment. If you think about the “stereotypical” traits that people associate with gays I could see where maybe she could think I was, well aside from having a penis inserted to any orifice of my body. Just maybe she was looking at my pictures under the more pictures section of myspace and thought that I was clean cut, in shape, well groomed, and well dressed. Some of those “stereotypical” traits are rather flattering. I went to my pictures section and you know what…. Damned if I don’t agree. I think this pic is the one that put it over the top for her:

(You know the fact that I just used that pic and my mouth is agape combined with the present subject matter just set you all up for about 1.5 million jokes… I walked into it and I totally accept that I did. White guy with fro pic is always funny, even if it comes with multiple insert dick here jokes.)

I am so freaking stylish and hot that I could replace anyone on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”.

Let’s go through the stereotypes point by point.

Clean cut- check well except for the fro.
In shape- Ignoring the slight beer gut, sure why not, who wants a six pack when they can get a beer ball? Not that any state carries beer balls anymore really, do they? I can’t say keg because I really don’t have a keg, I am totally and utterly off track here.
Well groomed- Hey I shaved that day so that is a plus.
Well dressed- That is actually a Banana Republic shirt, and I know that because that is the only thing I have ever owned from that store. I don’t think I have actually ever stepped foot in one of their stores as that was a gift but I know that I own a shirt from there. So I am giving myself points for style, screw you all.

Plus the whole gay thing is rather hot right now with the whole “Brokeback Mountain” movie craze. So by inferring that I am gay she just put me in the same class as Heath Ledger and Jake (I have to look up the spelling of his last name hold on a second) Gyllenhaal. Shit I’ll take it. Maybe just maybe it was all a backhanded compliment.

So I want to thank the girl who wrote this: PAGE LINK REMOVED ( I received a formal, I’m sorry)

Thanks for the compliment and all I have to say is, “I wish I could quit you.”