"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


I Watch Crappy Reality TV So You Don’t Have To

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/17/06 @ 8:30 am

I like reality TV. Not because I think it is intellectually stimulating, or even that it is that entertaining. I like it because I can sit there and crack jokes with very little effort for half an hour to an hour. Sometimes though shows just go to a point where it has gone past train wreck status to where you want to take a baseball bat to your television or track down the people involved because they don’t deserve to waste the oxygen that we all must share on this planet.

My Super Sweet 16 is one of those shows… Which Sterling wrote a great blog about: HERE

I found a second show that makes me physically ill to watch. Let me set the scene, Syracuse was getting the ever living crap kicked out of them by Uconn so I decided to start flipping through the channels to see what else was on. Of course I made my usual stop at MTV hoping maybe to catch a Real World or something like that. Instead there was a reality show called “There and Back” about Ashley Angel Parker a former member of O-town which I guess was a boy band. It is the typical reality tv celebrity show where they follow them around and we see their daily lives. Apparently O-town is no longer around but he is still trying to make it in the recording industry, he ended up getting a half a million dollar advance and has been working on an album as a singer songwriter.

ashley angel parker

My first observation of the show within the first thirty seconds, is if you are trying to break away from the boy band thing and have a successful career wouldn’t you drop the Angel from your name? Because as soon as I heard his name I discredited him totally, the only person ever that can have a ˜fluffy’ name is Fred “Bunny” Kelly from this video:


This show was a mess within the first five minutes, you can tell that Ashley had no life skills at all, and was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. They were moving into a rented house with his pregnant girlfriend. Nothing exciting really, until his girlfriend dropped this piece of knowledge on him, “So my mom saw you with morning wood this morning. She said, ˜that she heard someone open the refrigerator this morning, she came out because she thought it was me and you were standing there naked with morning wood.’” His response was, “That was like at 5:30 in the morning.” Apparently when you are crashing at your girlfriend’s mom apartment because you don’t have any real money because you don’t have a real job it is ok to walk around buck naked, even more so if it is 5:30 in the morning.

I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination but if I had to swallow my pride and move into my girlfriends parents house I would be rolling around the place naked. It’s not even really about modesty it is about class… respect. Unless he was tagging the mom too which totally makes the walking around naked thing totally acceptable.

As the show progressed or regressed or digressed or something like that he was sent to go to the supermarket to go shopping. On the list was green tomatoes, which he needed help picking out; he had to call his girlfriend to get the approval on which ones to buy. Then he asked for directions to where the potatoes were, from this old couple. Of course he was standing in the middle of the produce section so you know actually taking the effort to look around would be a little too much for Ashley. When he found the potatoes he had to call and ask which ones he was supposed to get in order to make baked potatoes. After that he had to ask for help again to find the corn on the cob, there was white corn and yellow corn. He had to ask for help on how to pick out corn. At this point you could tell that everyone in the produce section wanted to choke him. Finally he had to get cookie dough, they didn’t have oatmeal so he had to call and ask if chocolate chip cookie dough was ok. But they don’t have the right cookie dough so what, buy oatmeal cookies premade. Because here is a hint, if you are making cookies with premade dough you really aren’t making cookies. You are scooping dough onto a trey and baking it. That isn’t baking. I don’t understand why you need the consultation.

Now I am a guy, I don’t like shopping, but I have the common sense to be able to walk around a produce department to find stuff. It’s not like he is looking for some random item that is impossible to find. They were all freaking vegetables all in the same section of the store. All labeled. If you have ever had a baked potato in your life you can tell by looking at them on the shelf which ones were used to make a baked potato? Not sure what corn to buy? Of course you want to get the right thing to avoid any bitching when you bring home, but be a man make a choice. If you choose wrong and bring it home and she bitches, you just tell her to get off of her ass and go to the store then, argument done. I have never seen a routine task really take that much effort, as far as making the 15 phone calls to the girlfriend, well he lost his membership in the male gender.

At this point I can’t turn away from the show because I am super annoyed and I need to see if maybe he calls his girlfriend with advice on how to cross the street. So as a surprise he calls up a friend to come over to help him build a toy chest for his girlfriend. I think the guy was a former member of the boyband who now looks like an out of work carpenter. So his buddy brings over a ton of wood and starts building it, Ashley is all into the guy thing, he brings out a cooler of beer. Then pretty much avoids his friend while he does all the work. He comes out of the house what looks to be a few hours later and asks if his buddy is hungry. Dude is busting his ass building this toy chest with zero help so yeah he is hungry, Ashley tells him that he could make him a kick ass garden burger. His friend looks at him and tells him, “He doesn’t get down like that.” Two guys hanging around, doing manual labor, drinking some beers and you ask him if he wants a garden burger? Are you fucking kidding me? I know not everyone eats meat which is fine, but at least offer something that is somewhat manly, if you don’t eat meat maybe offer up a pizza or something but a garden burger?

In the rank of most feminine things you could offer the guy it would go like this:

3-anything French
1-garden burger

(On a side note I guess it is good that he didn’t do the switch without telling him, basically serving him the garden burger and telling him it is a real burger. I hate it more than anything when people do that. I have taste buds and I know what they tell me, why even try and pull something like that? It’s enough of a reason for me to end the friendship. I’m still pissed at my mother for making turkey “meat”loaf and telling me it was regular meatloaf.)

After all their hard work they finish, well, his friend finishes building the toy chest. The girlfriend comes home and they surprise her with it. She freaks out because she loves it. Of course Ashley takes the credit for it, which he should have, he held the pencil when they were cutting the wood.

Finally to end the show they go over his recording issues. Apparently he gave the record advance to a studio and they kind of screwed him over. He went into meet with the producers giving him his sob story, from what it looks like he totally mismanaged a half a million dollars which I know is so easy to do. His manager decided that he needed to work with a different set of produces and he was set up to work with the Matrix. Which for those of you who don’t know who have worked with such luminaries as: Avril Lavigne, Hillary Duff, Ricky Martin, Britney Spears, Nick Carter, and the Backstreet Boys. In other words they are responsible for some of the shittiest music that has come out over the last twenty years. So they sit down with him and shit out a crappy ass pop song in minutes, which I guess ended up being the theme for the television show. This killed any faith I had in the music industry and question the actual talent and ability required to write a song.

The fact that I just wrote two and a half pages of a show I will never watch again highly disturbs me. Basically the point to all this is to tell you to avoid pure shit reality tv. I took the bullet for you all.

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

Comments are closed.

© 2006 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound