I Freely Admit Money Would Change Me

I would like to think that in general that I am a good person. Slightly bitter, slightly smartass, but in general a good person. I would also like to think that I make the right value calls for the most part and have let a somewhat decent life with a few questionable calls here or there. However I was thinking the other day that money would change that. I know a lot of people say that coming into money they wouldn’t change a bit. I think that is complete and utter bullshit. So the following blog is what would happen if I won a disgusting amount of money in the lottery.

First step, I would use the money to help a short list of friends and relatives. I would take care of a list of people that I think deserve it, that they have helped me out in my lifetime when I needed it most. For the rents I would make it so they could retire, give them enough money to live comfortably, the same for a few other family members. Then I would call up all my friends and tell them to bring their mortgages, car payments, students loans, etc to Vegas where I will fly them out for a weekend of debauchery. At the end of the weekend I will give them the money to pay off any debt they have and a few bucks for them to spend on something else. And I will inform them of my plan.

(This is where all the nice stuff ends.)

Second step go back to any job I have and quit in a spectacular way that will never be topped. I really, really, really, really want to go into whatever job I have at the time and urinate right in the middle of the most public place of the building, screaming, “I hate you all, I am pissing on all of you in a metaphorical sense right now. Fuck you all, I quit.” I just want to do it for the reaction because I don’t think anyone comes up and stops you when you whip it out and just start pissing. It’s not like I have a knife and someone is going to be the hero, I just think people stare in shock and awe, with some possibly turning their head the other way. The worst thing that can happen is they call the police but I am loaded now so I will get out of any trouble I get in. (The only thing else I would like to do is if I had a real asshole boss at the time is to maybe knock them out then shit on their chest. Because not only did you get knocked out but when you come to you will have a heaping pile of shit on your chest, which is just adding insult to injury. If I don’t think I can knock out my boss I would hire Mike Tyson to do it then shit on my boss’s chest, Mike needs the money.)

I will follow that up with buy a large out of control Hummer… Just specifically for my next reason.

Next step is to drive home and run anyone that drives like an asshole off of the road. If I see another soccer mom, driving a SUV three times bigger then what she needs, talking on a cell phone and not paying attention to how she is driving I will snap. So now is time for revenge. If I see someone driving like an asshole I am going to run them off the road. Chick putting on makeup while driving and weaving in and out of lanes… of the road you go. Asshole guy that tailgates when traffic is backed up and is getting pissed at you even though the five cars ahead of you are slow, off the road. People that don’t acknowledge you in any way when you let them ahead of you in traffic, off the road.

After every time I run them off the road I will pull over and throw an insurance card at them with a greeting card giving them a reason why I ran them off the road. Of course the greetings cards would be specially made like:

Front: A clown with really bad makeup. Open: You look like a whore don’t put any more makeup on but if you want to wear a ton and look like a clown put it on at home.

Front: A picture of an ass with text saying, “ring, ring” Open: Look into a hands free device asshole and learn how to drive before I come back and shove your cell phone up your ass.

Front: A guy in a hospital bed all banged up. Open: This wouldn’t have happened if you had some manners dickhead. When someone let’s you ahead of them in traffic acknowledge it next time.

And just in case I see this going on…

Front: A picture of   John Wayne Bobbit’s Penis Open: Yeah road head could possibly cause this… Just a warning.
I know I will get sued but it won’t matter because of my next move.

To me the questionable family member and semi friend will be the worst people that you want to give money too. You don’t want to be a dick and say know but you know that you don’t want to give it to them. Like the guy that still has your “[tag]Reservoir Dogs[/tag]” dvd and always tells you that he will give it back. But he never does…. He will be coming over once he hears that you won all this money, bringing the DVD back… But pretending he doesn’t know about the money.

Semi-Friend: “Oh hey Kevin, I figured I would stop by and drop off your DVD. Nice Hummer out front, a little dented up but whose is it?”

Me: “It’s mine I won 300 million dollars in the lottery last week.”

Semi-Friend: “Oh so I guess you don’t need the DVD back, haha. Well congrats man I couldn’t think of anyone that deserved it more. So are you hooking your good buddies up at all? I have a great idea for a business.”

See I don’t want to be put in that situation because then I look like a cheap dick for taking the DVD back and not wanting to give them money. So the only way to avoid this is to fake my death. The legal trouble will go away, plus everyone will just think I was crazy. I will circulate the story that I pulled all of my money out of my account and was driving around with… adding to the legend that I was nuts. This will accomplish another goal, I don’t have to give money to semi-friends or questionable family members. Plus I can screw the government out of taxes.

After that I don’t know what I would do. Maybe wonder the world like the guy from Kung Fu. Possibly buy an island, form my own country, and become the world’s smallest nuclear power.