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This Weeks Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/15/06 @ 10:28 am

(Once again it is time for my weekly installment of Kevin Answers Parade Magzine’s Celebrity’s on Parade, which made it’s return to my column last week. For new readers, check out the old column because it talks about my distaste for the magazine and the dumb questions that are in there. So onto my answers.)

Q. Why is John Lithgow doing those silly soup ads on TV? Did he lose a bet?
- Terri Jones, Herndon, Va.

It’s funny you should ask that question Terri. I am sure earning a living has nothing to do with it. Why do you get up and go to work as a person that manually masturbates caged animals for artificial insemination? Did you lose a bet?

Q. I loved Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays With Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Is he writing a new book? If so, is it fiction or nonfiction?
- Jenn Matschke, Denville, N.J.

Mitch Albom is a good sports writer but I mean who really wants to read his touchy feely shit? I mean anyone thinks they can write these days. What’s next Mitch writing a daily blog on myspace and whoring himself out to as many people as possible to subscribe, you’re a hack Mitch… A hack….

Q. I expected fireworks at the UN with John Bolton, our controversial new ambassador. What’s his scorecard so far?
- Jerry Frost, Ann Arbor, Mich.

Jerry thanks again for making me lose faith in the American public, you can spend the time to write this question and send it in yet not pick up a paper. Well I decided to give you the scorecard you have been asking for:


It looks like Bolton is getting his ass kicked but of course it is in Spanish and I have no idea what it says.

Q. You dismissed the idea of a serious romance between Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. But from what I’ve read, they Are an item. What do you say now?
- Kathy Thomas, Boston, Mass.

Well Kathy I guess you showed Parade Magazine didn’t you. They aren’t going to last Kathy because it is rebound sex. See Brad dropped Jennifer for Angelina… Jennifer didn’t venture to far off the Mr and Mrs Smith set and took Vaughn, also a co-star of hers on an upcoming movie. Vince needed the rub to make it back onto the A-list, Jennifer needed the revenge sex. Although she could have went with someone that doesn’t look like they are hung over 24/7. She makes a move in the next four months to an Orlando Bloom type.

Q. Suddenly it seems like Hollywood’s male stars are all sporting aviator sunglasses again. Who reignited the trend?
- Tom Seelye, Detroit, Mich.

Was it Bruce Willis? Was it the cast of the upcoming movie “Miami Vice”?
Nope it was this guy:

aviator glasses

And ladies do you even need an explanation why?

I am buying a pair of these today.

Q. Who has more Grammys: Diana Ross or Aretha Franklin?
- Terry Newton, Miami, Fla.

Who had the longer career and has been in rehab less? When you figure that out you will have your answer.

Q. Is Jennifer Landon, who plays Gwen on As the World Turns, related to the late Michael Landon?
- Arlean Atwood, Billings, Mont.

AWARD OF THE WEEK: For the question that www.imdb.com could have answered.

Q. Hilary Duff looks different. Has she had a facelift?
- Becky Williams, Port

She is like 19 or 20 give me a break Becky. At 19 or 20 you get nose, tit, lypo, lip injections, not a facelift.

But let’s do a breakdown just in case.

Let’s take a look at picture number one…

hillary duff boobs

Good god… We almost have another Tara Reid situation at hand here. I hate it when my breasts pop out of my shirt like that.

Now let’s compare it to:

hillary duff with fan

What are the differences?

10 pounds

no breast falling out of shirt

really bad makeup job

much uglier and younger friend

So Becky to answer your question Hillary Duff has not had a facelift. She has just lost all sense of style, gained weight, and is hanging out with the wrong people.

Filed in: Questions Answered

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

One Response to “This Weeks Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered”

  1. judy says:



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