The Donut-Code

Today’s blog is about a matter so secretive, so dangerous, that you may never hear from me again. Those of you with a weak heart may want to turn back now…before it’s too late.

For years, I wondered why I was addicted to donuts, to the sprinkles, the frosting, the tasty cream centers, the cinnamon, the glaze, the jelly….OK, I’m back under control now. But then, one day after I pounded 10 Boston creams in under 10 minutes, I had a vision, a hallucination, and a demon appeared before me, only to disappear in a wisp of smoke (OK, the smoke could’ve been gas). That was the moment I “woke up” so to speak, and decided to find out just why I couldn’t stop eating these seductive spheres. I went to Libraries, Churches, The Louvre, Dunkin Donuts, Krispy Kremes, and a woman’s locker room (it had nothing to do with my research, but it sure was fun!!). Now, after 10 years of research, here are my results:

1. When you play the catch phrase “Time to Make the Donuts” backwards, it sounds eerily like he’s saying “Oh my Sweet Satan.”

Above: Hmm, a Hitler Moustache. Interesting…

2.The actor who said that catchphrase recently died. What they didn’t tell you? He was 187 years old. Coincedence, or payment for spreading the gospel of Satan?

3. After spending days deconstructing the word donuts, I found that it could be taken apart to form the phrase Do Nuts. Hmmm, I didn’t realize donuts were a part of the gay rights movement. It makes you look at the “chocolate glazed” donut in a totally new light, doesn’t it?

Above: Harmless donut, or Homosexual Propaganda Machine?

4. Folks, it appears that even our own government is involved in this satanic plot. Just look at the photographic evidence.

Above: The similarities in shape are eerie

5. Finally, even our so-called beloved president is in on the conspiracy. Few know about this ritual, but Dubya eats donuts every morning for breakfast, as a symbol of solidarity to the movement. Here’s conclusive photgraphic evidence:

Above: “You’re doin a heckuva job on these donuts Brownie!”

I contacted the Whitehouse for a response, and this is what I got in return:

Apparently, I am getting too close to the truth. In closing, there is much research left to do if we are to truly uncover the Donut-Code. But one thing is certain already: I just can’t stop eating the tasty motherfuckers.