The Friday the 13th Series – Ranked by the Expert!

Friday the 13th is the greatest Horror franchise of all-time (in my humble opinion, anyway). I am perhaps not so proud to announce that I am a Friday the 13th freak, having watched all of the films several, several times. So, in honor of yesterday being Friday the 13th, here is my in-depth ranking of the series. I know you’re all on the edge of your seat.

11. Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

This installment is unforgivingly boring. This was originally supposed to be the “Freddy vs. Jason” film, but when that fell through, they switched it to Jason vs. a chick with psychic powers. Lame! Low gore, low kills, and not even a very good cheese factor. I would not even recommend watching this one.

Rating: 1 Hockey Mask

10. Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

This one pretty much blows as well. It’s about 15 minutes too long and feels awfully gimicky. Some definite cheese factor, with the “angry principle” and the rich snob characters in particular being standouts. Not much gore at all and some boring kills, although the Sauna stone through the chest rules!! Then the cruise ship finally gets to “New York” and it’s so obviously isn’t New York, except for the final scene in Times Square.

Rating: 1 and a half Hockey Masks

9. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Too long and suffers from the whole “let’s give our stupid killer a complex mythology” syndrome. It’s got a decent script however, and some fantastic gore.

Rating: 2 Hockey Masks

8. Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

This one is hella-lame (yeah I said hella), with the “twist” being that the killer is actually an angry ambulance driver dressed up as Jason. Retarded. However, the cheese factor is pretty high with this one (who can forget the retarded guy with the candy bars!!!).

Rating: 2 and a half Hockey Masks

7. Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

This one’s vastly underrated. Great plot, tongue in cheek script, good kills, and great characters make for a pretty fun ride. The RV scene is inspired stuff, with the climax of it flipping over and Jason bursting out of the top a classic. If you haven’t seen this one, definitely pick it up.

Rating: 3 Hockey Masks

6. Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984)

Now we’re starting to move into the cream of the frickin crop. Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover?? Nice. With Tom Savini back on board for the effects, you know you’re in for some good gore, and the cheese factor is very high. The fat hitchhiker chick with the banana pretty much sums up this film.

Rating: 3 and a half Hockey Masks

5. Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)

Outstanding film. Yu puts his own unique stamp on the series. Cheesy, funny-ass script with stock horror characters. Great action fight sequences and OUTSTANDING gore. Jason is great in this film: huge, stupid, and menacing. One of the best in th series.

Rating: 4 Hockey Masks

4. Jason X (2002)

God I love this movie. It’s just good, cheesy fun. Creative, gory kills. The robot chick taking on Jason is truly inspired, as is the mecha-Jason! So cheesy!! The best part is when Jason “goes back” to 1980 and kills the nude teens. hahahahaha. Love every minute of this film. If only it had had a bigger budget.

Rating: 4 Hockey Masks

3: Friday the 13th (1980)

The one that started it all. Definitely not my favorite, as in my opinion it’s a bit slow, especially the third act. That being said, you just have to give props to the original. Has some great special effects and kills, especially Kevin Bacon getting it through the throat. Still brutal today.

Rating: 4 Hockey Masks

2. Part II (1981)

This film kicks all kinds of ass!!!! Everything is ratched up a knotch: the cheese, the gore, the kills, and as an added bonus, Jason makes his first appearance as the killer. Some of the best moments in the series: The guy in the wheel chair taking a machete to the face, the guy walking on his hands getting cut in half, Jason crashing through the window at the end…it’s all great stuff.

Rating: 4 and a half Hockey Masks

1. Part III: in 3D (1982)

This is one of the cheesiest movies ever put to film. The character of Shelley is a trainwreck, a fat nerdy guy with a huge fro that spouts classic lines like “You’d wear a mask too…if you looked like this.” I must have watched this movie 30-40 times and it just never gets old. The 80s synth soundtrack at the beginning is funny as hell. Also, this is the film where Jason gets his trademark Hockey Mask! My only regret is that I never got to see it in 3D, so I missed out on the full effect of scenes like where the guy’s eye pops out of his head, or the harpoon flies at the screen. Damn. Oh well, maybe someday. If you don’t have this movie, immediately purchase 20 copies and hand it out to your friends and family.

Rating: 5 Hockey Masks

So there you have it. Let the lively debate begin! God, I am such a loser…