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An Open Letter to the Two Assholes Ahead of Me In Line Last Night

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/12/06 @ 9:42 am

This week my new semester of school started. So just like everyone else I had to go and buy my books for the semester. Because of the amount of people that were at the bookstore there was a line running outside of it. Fair enough, it is to be expected.Just like everyone else I don’t enjoy waiting in line, but when you have to you have to. One of the strange things about waiting in line is that most of the people in the line kind of form a bond. When there is an asshole at the front of the line taking up too much time asking stupid questions, the other people in line kind of shoot each other looks and nod acknowledging that the guy is an asshole. Sometimes if there is a really hot girl in line the other guys will kind of give each other the check out that girl type of look. It’s a good dynamic which is interesting to watch. You feel like you are part of a group.

Certain things threaten the dynamic:

- Crying babies… That is a splinter issue right there. Some people give the, “Oh the poor baby what’s wrong look.” While others are giving, “get a fucking babysitter and leave the kid at home look.”

- The bad breath and or body odor guy. Only the immediate people around him know of the stench and it takes them right out of the dynamic, nobody else in the line gets why they have that look of repulsion on their face. Most of the time we assume that they are just total and complete dicks that eat puppies for breakfast, not knowing the pain they are going through.

- The, “I am more important than everybody else” guy. You know the one that complains that this is a waste of his time. He gets on his cell phone and loudly complains to whomever he is talking or pretending to talk to that this whole line is taking to long. This guy crushes the spirits of everyone else on line and gets everyone to the point where they either want him to shut up or they themselves get pissed about the line.

Finally we have the worst thing to threaten the group dynamic which I had to deal with last night…. The two people that are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too touchy feely, basically people that dry hump in line.

First let me clear some things up, public displays of affections (pda) is fine to a point. You want to kiss your significant other go right ahead. A kiss here or there, nothing wrong with that, and even when people cross that line and kind of get a little too into it, well it’s funny for a short period of time. It gives you the ability to make the get a motel room joke, or is he trying to swallow her head joke. But the cutoff of where it becomes complete and utter bad taste is the 3-5 min range.

Last night in line we had two people that destroyed the line bonding, and even threatened to make me puke. The two people immediately in front of me in line were basically dry humping in line. I know you are all thinking that I am over exaggerating to make this funny, but I kid you not.

It started out with the sneak smooch with repeated pecks, with the guy telling her how he couldn’t wait for a party this weekend. They continued the conversation with the guy upgrading the pecks to complete tongue action. At this point the line of good taste was beginning to be crossed, but the cohesion in the line was still there. The two people behind me made the motel room comments under their breath, and I even heard a “there is nothing worse then two ugly people making out comment.” For me though being right behind them sucks because I am in the front row of something I don’t want to see and I am too close to make snide remarks to the other people in line, so basically it is hell on earth for me.

Let me address the ugly people comment, the guy looked like a rat with the worst semi grown in facial hair I have ever seen in my life. He had like the moustache you grow when you just hit puberty and think you can grow a mustache. I have noticed that only three groups wear this mustache: Mexicans (which he was), 14 year old Italian males from the North East, and 18 year old white guys that live in a trailer park with dirty blonde hair. The girl had horse face which is never a good thing. Back to the action, so they at this point where at the tongue phase, the group dynamic was still there but it was being threatened.

Finally they upped it a notch, he pushed her up against the pillar and was grinding on her. Which at that point destroyed the group dynamic, because you have that uncomfortable I don’t want to look thing. Some people in line advert their eyes, some people just get downright uncomfortable, other people check to see if some of the other line members are watching, while some gawk because they lead a lonely existence. Sadly I am right next to them stuck with the choice of what to do? Where do I look, I can’t just turn around and look at everyone else in line, I can’t stare at them, I had to make a choice. So I whipped out my cell phone and starting playing tetris.

The dry humping session went on for the next ten minutes before the line moved and they let the next group into the library.

So this is my open letter to them.

To the Couple Ahead of Me in Line Last Night,

Nobody wants to see Estelle Getty and Anthony Anderson fuck. So why would we want to see you two dry hump in line, because you two are less appealing then them. In the future please bang in the car or at home before you go out in a public place, everyone else on the planet would appreciate it.

I hope your genitals rot and fall off preventing you from breeding.



P.S.- Shave, both of you.

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

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