Snap Judgment The New Cast of Survivor

So a new season of Survivor is about to debut and CBS revealed the cast to the show yesterday. I resisted looking at any pictures or profiles of the people involved because I like to offer my predictions of what each person is going to be like ahead of time without really knowing anything about them. It’s a little game called snap judgment I like to play with myself, where I totally asses a person without knowing anything about them.

I just said play with myself… That always makes me laugh… Ok let’s dive in and deeply analyze the show.

• Sally Schumann, 27, social worker from Chicago

She’ll be tough and street smart. I think she will be one of the more dominate females on the show.

• Dan Barry, 52, retired astronaut from South Hadley, Massachusetts

Dan is going to be the leader from day 1 of one of the tribes. He was an astronaut so his physical conditioning is going to be reasonably well, will have strong leadership and survival skills. But he is from Massachusetts so he will sound like Mayor Quimby from the Simpsons, so he has no chance at winning.
Odd personality quirk: He will leer at all the young female contestants and when they catch him looking he will just say, “I was a fucking astronaut.”

• Austin Carty, 24, author from High Point, North Carolina

So Austin is unemployed but didn’t want to say it but we will pretend that by 24 he is a published author and actually making a living off of it. He is southern so he is going to have a slight southern drawl, which will make him sound like a bumpkin. I think this one is the hardest to figure out. He will be one of the people that will be gone within the first three episodes though.
Odd personality quirk: He won’t get hardly any tv time so it won’t matter.

• Shane Powers, 35, entertainment marketing company owner from Los Angeles

My money is that Shane is the token gay male on the show. Not that there is anything wrong with that. He will make it rather far into the game. Will be the person that will have everyone figured out.

• Terry Deitz, 46, retired Navy fighter pilot from Simsbury, Connecticut

Terry and Dan will butt heads over who is leading if they are in the same tribe. It will be the whole alpha male thing, it really doesn’t look that they stacked the rosters with young “stud” like guys. There might be one or two but I think they are going to actually bow down to the astronaut and navy pilot.
Odd personality quirk: Someone will give him shit about being named Terry, and he will stab that player in the neck with a piece of bamboo. He will inform them that if they keep the bamboo in they will be able to breath and live if they remove it their jugular will be severed and they will die in seconds.

• Danielle DiLorenzo, 24, medical sales representative from Pompano Beach, Florida

Easiest one yet, she is going to be hot. Medical or pharmaceutical sales reps that are female= hot… I will bet dollars to doughnuts that she is a former cheerleader. She will latch on to one of the underbellies of the guys and make it pretty far into the game. She’ll get along with most of the females before stabbing them in the back. Also she will be constantly talking to the Astronaut about Viagra.

• Misty Giles, 24, engineer from Dallas

You know every Misty that I have ever met has been ugly (double checks friends list for any Mistys). You would think that Misty would be like a potential stripper name but seriously the girls that have been attached to that name in my life have not been attractive. Every Misty I have ever met has been dog ugly. I have a feeling that this is going to be one of the wastes of space that meanders along before they get axed. She will be the one that cooks and does a ton of stuff around camp because she will be utterly useless in the challenges.

• Melinda Hyder, 32, singer from Sevierville, Texas

Another attractive one and she will be the second of the three useless women. I bet you she will have a story about giving Toby Keith a hand job while being one of his backup singers. Just a gut feeling about that.

• Bruce Kanegai, 58, karate instructor from Simi Valley, California

Oldest guy… won’t last long

• Courtney Marit, 31, performance artist from Los Angeles

Performance artist aka Stripper. She will be the final of the three pointless people.

• Cirie Fields, 35, registered nurse from Waterboro, South Carolina

Ok so you know on Survivor there are always like three girls that are a total waste of space, and a couple of guys that fall into that category. We have one of the guys I think and the two girls that we have had seem like they will quality. Cirie seems to be quality as well, I don’t know any of my friends that became a RN that weren’t mentally and physically tough.
Odd personality quirk: She’ll tell stories about crazy things she has seen as a nurse. Like that one guy that was on LSD and decided he was superman and tried to stop a street sweeper.

• Bobby Mason, 32, attorney from Los Angeles

There is no way that is his real name. It just sounds like a made up LA type of name. He has to be the slick ass attorney. You know he will be in shape because he has a personal trainer and runs all the time. Might be one of the top four people on the show

• Ruth Marie Milliman, 48, director of retail leasing from Greenville, South Carolina

First one voted off.

• Aras Baskausas, 24, yoga instructor from Santa Monica

I have no idea if this is a guy or a girl. But with the yoga instructor thing it has to be a girl right? I am not saying guys can’t be yoga instructors but really. I mean it’s like the idea of a female President that can’t happen right? Before you write anything negative to me go in the kitchen and bake something. (Um… I’m just kidding…) What nationality is a name like that? Greek maybe? So if it is a girl we know she will be oddly hairy. Physically she will be solid but she is a yoga instructor so she can’t be that sharp upstairs, she will be one of the girls that go along for the ride.
Odd personality quirk: She will get up every morning and do Yoga on the beach, it will be annoying because it will remind all of us how lazy we all are.

• Tina Scheer, 45, logging sports promoter/performer from Hayward, Wisconsin

Can I make the lesbian joke here?

• Nick Stanbury, 25, financial sales rep from Tempe, Arizona

Nick is the former jock that went into sales because he can talk his way out of anything. He won’t be the smartest but he will be the most charming. I will bet you anything that Nick has a tribal armband tattoo.

So that is my snap judgment about everyone on the show.
I would just like to share one more thing. If I was ever on the show and got voted off this is what I would do and it kills me that nobody has done this yet.
Jeff: The tribe has spoken. (Puts out the fire)
Kevin: (turning to look at remaining tribe) I will *bleep*ing kill every single one of you.

Then I would run the opposite way of the exit into the woods. Laughing manically as I headed into them, and screaming every couple of seconds “You’re all dead”.
Wouldn’t that make for great TV? Of course when they return to their camp I would just walk back on set laughing my ass off and taking the little vacation that people get voted off take until the show airs.
Just imagine though every night they are out in the jungle shitting themselves wondering if I am coming for them. Have fun sleeping, bastards that’s what you get for voting me out.